Sunday, 6 April 2014


With the UK’s population of badgers spreading TB quicker than a hoard of travelling Victorian peasants, the nation’s farmers are looking for new ways to curb the rising numbers of striped miscreant. Princess Anne suggested earlier in the week that the animals should be gassed, but later reports cast doubt on whether she was talking about badgers or was in fact ranting about a particular brand of non-Christian. But with gassing as a means of culling being about as scientifically grounded as the Atkins diet is for slimming, the Home Office has sought to employ a more 21st century approach – and drone-strikes appear to be the answer.

“We’ve seen quite how effectively drones rooted out those pesky Taliban from their caves in Afghanistan,” said Home Secretary Theresa May, after posing for the latest Tory-babes calendar, “We intend to use the same approach to blow badgers from their sets, it’s very efficient. Also, I used one the other day to drop a bomb on Yvette Cooper and she totally shat her pants.”

Unsurprisingly, several members of the Tory cabinet hold strong opinions regarding the badger cull, with some hard-line back-benchers suggesting that badgers should be rounded up en-masse and sent into inner-city council estates, where they could provide clothing (in the form of Davey Crockett style-hats) and a nutritious source of meat for the nation’s poorest. Education Secretary Michael Gove feels that the re-location policy doesn’t go far enough; stating that following a re-location of the badgers to council estates, the areas should be coated in a reassuringly-thick layer of napalm, just to ensure that badger numbers are indeed reduced.

Trial-runs using drones have begun in earnest in parts of Yorkshire, with groups of school children using Playstation controllers to direct the drones to clusters of disease-ridden badgers. However, there has already been one unforeseen casualty when late last night, former Apprentice runner-up Ruth Badger (dressed as a badger and sniffing a badger’s set) was reported to have been struck down by a drone strike outside Barnsley. 

Don't give me that look, you're nothing but dirty vermin.

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