Wednesday, 5 September 2012


Psychologists at the University of Oxford have commissioned a study looking into finding an answer to the age old question: who is more sensitive (i.e. annoying)? Liberal hippie-douche or Tory right-wing asshole? Both types of person are as irritating as an unreachable fungal-rash, but which of these equally odious groups of people is most likely to humourlessly flip their wig at the smallest amount of provocation? Dr. Hans Bigplans of Hertford College, Oxford, sought to find out.

“Traditionally in studies like this, we would conduct a series of interviews on right and left wing people to ascertain their response to various types of stimuli,” said Dr Bigplans, “this time however, we are adopting a revolutionary new approach that will allow us to make a broader conclusion applicable to a wider population of left or right wing people.”

Dr. Bigplans explained how his study was based on the use of the comments sections on websites of both right and left wing newspapers.

“Essentially, what we tried to do, was plant a right-wing comment on the Guardian website and a left-wing comment on the Daily Mail website,” explained Dr. Bigplans, “we then waited to see which of the comments would receive the most amount of scathing criticism, and how quickly the responses would be posted.”

Initially the test proved to be inconclusive: with the comment ‘It’s about time all our kids learnt about Islam’ planted on the Daily Mail website receiving 400 critical responses in 21 minutes; compared to ‘Bankers made this country and pay for your benefits-scrounging family to live’ planted on the Guardian website, which received 450 complaints in 18 minutes.

“Essentially, after initial tests, both douches and assholes were operating at about 20 responses a minute, which is pretty fucking sensitive” said Dr Bigplans. “Both sets of people also told us to ‘fuck off and die’ an average of 45% of the time”.

However results started to differ based on the content of the comments placed on either the Guardian or Daily Mail website. 

“What we discovered was that Tory assholes get super-sensitive when it comes to talking about a wealth tax, we got 1000 responses to a comment in under 10 minutes with one guy threatening to shit on my mother’s corpse if I ever talked about progressive Economics again”, said a bewildered looking Dr. Bigplans. “Similarly, just the mere mention that George Osborne was a nice guy on the Guardian website got 1200 comments in 10 minutes – which put the lefties marginally in the lead as being the most sensitive.” Ironically, Left wing threats of violence were the most vulgar – one guy stating he would ‘skull fuck [Dr Bigplans] all the way to the Gulag’.

Ultimately, it proved difficult to separate Right-wing assholes and Liberal-hippie douches. It would appear that the prudent conclusion to draw from this study would be to stay away from both groups of people!

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