Monday, 3 September 2012


TOWIE cast members have been denied the right to participate in the Paralympics - according to sources close to the ignoramus collective -  following a last ditch effort to meet qualification standards.

To the disappointment of pouty morons across the South-Eastern county, Paralympic organisers have confirmed that monumental amounts of stupidity does not technically constitute a qualifying disability. This is in spite of the fact that the repercussions of such a condition can often be far worse than for some of the conditions that qualify as disabilities for the Paralympic Games. This is exhibited by the shocking statistic that TOWIE cast members electrocute themselves an average of 3 times per day – often with the same ‘child friendly’ device; and also that three female cast members have been rushed to hospital in recent months for the inserting of tampons into the incorrect orifice. It was stories like these which prompted the show’s producers to seek entry for the cast in the Paralympic Games, claiming “it is clear that being an idiot is far more of a disability than being an amputee or having some kind of palsy.”

Amy Childs, the raven haired, silicone-chested pillar of vacuousness, was particularly disappointed at not being allowed to compete, having overcome significant intellectual deficiencies to post a qualifying time.
“When she first started training, it took us two or three weeks to get her to run the right way around the track,” said one disgruntled athletics trainer. “Thereafter, the main struggle was to try and get her to run ten metres without stopping to pose, pout and push her boobs together. That took fucking ages.”

More valiant efforts were made by athletics trainers on the field, particularly in trying to stop TOWIE male cast members from creating phallic symbols using two shots and a javelin.

It has been claimed that TOWIE producers and cast members though disappointed, are not too disheartened; hoping that four more years of unabated stupidity may cause the kind of accident which could create a ‘genuine’ qualifying condition for the Rio 2016 Paralympics. 

It took over two hours to get them to stand like this....

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