ANGELA MERKEL DENIES THAT SHE IS IN FACT A TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRL

After watching her side win the football world cup in heart-stoppingly dramatic fashion, Merkel could barely contain herself as the victorious players made their way to collect the trophy. As the triumphant German side filed their way towards the winners' enclosure, Merkel was on hand to provide a final show of support, giggling like a school girl and squealing with pre-pubescent glee as one-by-one she embraced the lovely handsome boys as they walked past. Onlookers were stunned at Merkel’s complete inability to hide her little girly tendencies, leading many to ask the question: is she in fact a little school girl?

“When I heard all that screaming and squealing, I was shocked to see it was Merkel,” said FIFA Official, Ivor Bribeiro, “We had lots of children from local schools near the winners’ section, I thought the noise was from them!”

Members of the German delegation privately echoed these concerns, with one unnamed (ethnically Chinese) German delegate claiming that Merkel was seen "writing Bastian Schweinsteiger on her notebook over and over and over again, with love hearts as well."

Calls are now coming from all quarters of the Bundestag for Merkel to prove conclusively, that she is in fact a grown woman and not a little school girl who has become an adult by means similar to those employed in the 1988 film 'Big' starring Tom Hanks.

Merkel's aides issued a stern denial, stating that the German Chancellor is far too busy writing love letters to Mario Gotze to be distracted with such trivial inquisitions. 

The German Chancellor was the happiest little girl in the whole wide world.

FOUR HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE SPOTTED IN BELA HORIZONTE

Following Brazil’s six goal trouncing at the hands of the marauding Germans, Brazilian football fans’ worst fears were confirmed late on Tuesday night as the four horsemen of the apocalypse were spotted cantering through the streets of Bela Horizonte. As many had predicted - whilst watching their heroes take more of a beating than prisoners at Guantanamo – it really was the end of the world.

“Our defence was penetrated three times in six minutes,” said shocked Brazilian pundit, Paolo Nascimento de Rubiano, or ‘Frank’, as he is known, “It was like watching a porno movie. To be turned into porn is the worst humiliation. It’s all over now.”

With news of the end of the world spreading like wild fire across grieving households all over Brazil, rioting broke out in a number of towns including Bela Horizonte, where crude effigies of David Luis where ceremoniously burnt, with hoards of beautiful people surrounding the fires and dancing and having sex to irresistible samba music.

“It’s totally the end of the world. When the beauty of Brazil has faded so much that it makes the Germans appear aesthetic, you know the end is nigh,” a Brazilian journalist commented, “But in Brazil, the end of the world is music and dancing and passion! It’s carnival! So it’s not all bad.”

Three horse-persons and a bloke in a horse head

DYSLEXIC MUSIC FANS ACCIDENTALLY PURCHASE TICKETS FOR GLASNOSTBURY

Thousands of dyslexic music fans were left bitterly disappointed after an online mix-up led them to purchase tickets for the wrong festival. Instead of buying tickets to the three day Somerset-based music festival ‘Glastonbury’, thousands of fans accidentally purchased tickets to the festival celebrating the mid-1980s Soviet policy of Glasnost hosted in Stockton, ‘Glasnostbury’.

“We were pleasantly surprised that so many young people today were interested in Gorbachev’s policy of openness and transparency”, said Glasnostbury spokesman Vladimir Burokratsky, lighting a cigar with a cluster of recently declassified documents, “Naturally, we were disappointed when we discovered they were actually trying to buy Glastonbury tickets. I don’t blame them though, Dolly Parton is marvellous.”

Disgruntled dyslexic music fans expressed their anguish on Twitter, with @Mucislover tweeting “Why was a mixup allowed to happne?”, and @Fesitvlagoer adding “I wnat my money bakc!”

One punter however, may have had tickets to both festivals from the off; as it was discovered that  former Soviet heavyweight supremo Mihkail Gorbachev was not only booked to speak at Glasnostbury, but was also reportedly heard discussing “getting off his face to Skrillex.” 

Mikhail loves it when the bass drops.

ZEITlies Book Reviews:
SPORTS BOOKS

If you have been watching sport at all in the past week, you may enjoy some of these new publications…

“The Spirit of Football” by Lee Dixon – The former Arsenal defender extols the virtues of “never divin’ or cheating” and always doing your best to be an “honest fella on the football field”. The book is also intended to serve as an instructional manual for children and a hate-filled polemic against Patrick Viera, with chapters on "Playing fair" and "Fair play".

“The Spirit of Football is Dead” by Patrick Viera – The former Arsenal midfielder extols the virtues of the modern game, rationalising that diving, cheating, bribing and all out skulduggery are quite simply “part of the game”. Viera’s book is intended to serve as an instructional manual for children, with chapters on “How to be dirty” and “How to be jammy”.

“The Gentleman’s Cricket Handbook” by Rangana Herath – The Sri Lankan spin bowler proved himself to be a true gentleman by giving his wicket away to hosts England when the recent test match hung in the balance. In his new book Herath reveals more gentlemanly tips and tricks that are also not complete misunderstandings of the Laws of the Game.

Herath graciously sends the batsman back after clean bowling him.

TERESA MAY OWNS MICHAEL GOVE… AND SHE KNOWS IT

Whitehall has been alive with the sound of inter-departmental bickering as Teresa May and Michael Gove exchanged angry letters debating who should be responsible for the failure to deal with a suspected Islamist plot in Birmingham’s schools. As the dust settled on another round of Westminster cat-fighting, the prevailing opinion was that the Home Secretary comprehensively owned the Education Minister… and she knew it.

“She’s swanning about the place like she’s the hot shit,” said an unnamed Tory insider, “She keeps picking on Gove too, trying to trip him up, smirking whenever he talks and stealing Kit-Kats from his locker. It’s basically bullying now.”

The Education Minister is said to have spent more and more time locked away in a darkened room, laughing maniacally into the black. The Prime Minister has refused to comment on the situation, though a Downing Street spokesman said “he just wanted to give Michael a bit of time.”

Owns him... and she knows it.

UKIP ELECTION WIN CONFIRMS THE WORST: THERE’S MORE TWATS ABOUT THAN WE THOUGHT

The nation is still reverberating from the tremors of the UKIP political earthquake which saw the first non-LabCon party in 90 years win an election in the UK, brushing-off all contenders in a stunning rout.  The result left many shocked British voters pondering one crushing realisation: there really are more twats about than we thought.

As the waters of the UKIP tsunami recede, leaving a detritus of Tetley bitter cans, Bernard Manning DVDs and England football shirts, political pollsters are now seeking to ascertain exactly how many twats are actually out there.

“We knew there were a lot of twats, what with The Voice being so popular and all, but the UKIP election win was simply another level,” mused famed internet pollster, Bate Sliver, “There really are so many more twats out there than even the most cynical of us thought.”

Ruining a car parking space near you.

It is widely believed that the distribution of twats is generally uneven throughout the UK, with some areas showing very few, but in parts of Essex twat numbers are said to be so high that twats outnumber non-twats in many towns. Some analysts believe Essex could become the first twat-majority county by 2015.

Related News: The Ultra Knowledgeable Institute of Paedophiles has seen a huge surge in its membership following the European elections last weekend, with many easily-confused voters joining under the mistaken apprehension that it was the United Kingdom Independence Party.

“We have had many people join us thinking we were UKIP, most of them left when they realised we weren’t, “commented the Institute’s membership secretary, Dirty Phil, “I guess it’s an easy mistake to make.”

Farage has refused to comment on the latest bizarre fiasco, but critics have been quick to suggest that this is further evidence that most UKIP voters have no idea what they are signing-up to.

PRINCE CHARLES COMPARES THAILAND WITH NAZI GERMANY

In another misguided attempt at making a populist statement to resonate with the masses, Prince Charles has evoked the spectre of fascism yet again by comparing the military-coup in Thailand to Nazi Germany. Following his comparison of Putin’s Russia with Nazi Germany earlier in the week, which caused widespread forehead-slapping across the world, Charlie suffered another bout of ill-deserved confidence and voiced his opinions on the military-coup in Thailand.

“We think it’s just a phase he’s going through,” said Times hack, Felicity Crackersnatch, “His staff say he’s comparing everything to Nazi Germany at the moment, everything. Sainsbury’s, flocks of skylarks, Tracker bars, lorries, you name it, Charlie thinks it’s like Nazi Germany.”

The military government in Thailand are said to be mortified and bewildered with the Prince of Wales’ comparison. A military spokesman - recently returned to base following a day’s solid coup-ing - expressed his frustration:

“We are nothing like Nazi Germany, I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Private Pakatak, “He’s the one who’s like Nazi Germany… look at him.”

The Coalition government have remained silent on the Prince of Wales’ trans-continental diplomatic stink bombs, busy instead with losing the European MP elections to UKIP; though one government official did comment privately on the latest gaffe.

“What did he say? Is he voting UKIP as well?” said unnamed government insider, David Cameron, “He fucking told me he wouldn’t do that.” 

Prince Charles hears something he believes could be Nazi Germany.