UNION BOSS FAILS TO APPRECIATE IRONY AS TERRORISTS HOLD HIM HOSTAGE

Union boss Mark Serwotka has failed to appreciate the irony in being held hostage by a group of terrorists in Surrey this week. Serwotka, who consistently threatens the public with Union strikes unless financial rewards are doled out, is no stranger to the arrangement whereby a pecuniary demand is sought through a process of blackmail - also known as ‘being held to ransom’. However, he is said to be bamboozled by the idea that his current capture and ransom is in anyway ironic. When issuing the ransom plea, the kidnappers also released a video of Serwotka.

“I don’t see anything ironic about this at all,” said Serwotka, to a chorus of muffled giggles from his captors, “I never kidnapped anyone. I’m definitely claiming days-off in lieu for this.”

Serwotka’s captors are said to be a terrorist group of international-business travellers - who collectively - have spent over five years standing in immigration queues at Heathrow in 2012. Serwotka’s threat to strike during the Olympics was believed to be the last straw, with statements published on the group’s website claiming: “This selfish bastard is already a dead man.”

It is unclear as to how the terrorists are treating Serwotka. Rumours on social media suggest he is being constantly prodded and asked “Do you get it yet?”

Other reports have indicated that the terrorists have taken to playing the Alanis Morissette song, ‘Ironic’, in the hope that Serwotka may take a hint and finally see the irony. Sadly, most commentators concede that the choice of the famous Morissette tune was probably not a good one (owing to the lack of references to actual irony) with some suggesting ‘I’m the Leader of a Gang’ by Gary Glitter to be more suitable.