Tuesday, 5 May 2015


The 2015 General Election takes place in two days and all polls are predicting a Parliament that will be more hung than Linford Christie. But the reality is, it doesn’t matter who you vote for – you’re getting fucked every which way. In the spirit of accepting this basic principle, ZEITlies explores exactly how the various political parties would go about fucking you…

The Tories will fuck you hard and fast and they don’t care about the pain. They are here to do a job and that job is fucking - they will take no prisoners along the way. There are some exceptions however. If you’re rich, expect satin sheets and scented body oils, maybe even a harpist in the room to set the mood. But if you’re poor, boy, are you getting fucked! The Tories pull out the big dongs for that, making sure the poor get screwed harder than anyone else.
The annoying face of Tory sex.
The Tories may screw the poor like animals but Labour are arguably worse. Labour like to tease you, promising you impossible things: fifty orgasms, erections for a week, unlimited stamina and incomparable creativity. But the reality is, Labour will give you nothing. Instead, with their deeply held fetish for debt: Labour are here to fuck your kids. They are kiddie-fuckers.

Liberal Democrats
The Lib Dems will try and do things by the book. Exactly the right amount of foreplay, exactly the right amount of force and tenderness, exactly the right number of positions – Lib Dem sex will go to a plan. However, afterwards, rather inexplicably, you’ll realise you just don’t fancy them…

Sex with UKIP is mean and nasty. Whips, chains, ball gags, handcuffs, burning crosses on your front lawn – the whole nine yards. UKIP don’t care who they hurt, they just love being cunts. Expect punches in the face and dripping candle wax on your nether regions – all to the incessant blaring of Land of Hope and Glory.

Green Party
Ever had a dry hump? Ever had someone rub themselves up against you either because you were in a place where actual sex was risky, or because you were fifteen? Well sex with the Green Party would be much worse than that and way less penetrative. They couldn’t fuck you even if they tried.

Better than Green Party sex.

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