MOTHS FINALLY ADMIT THE TRUTH: WE DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR CLOTHES, WE JUST LIKE PISSING YOU OFF

In a stunning revelation at a press conference held in front of a linen cupboard today, moths finally admitted what humans had long suspected: they don’t even like the taste of our clothes, they’re just doing it to piss us off. Furthermore, moths admitted that on most occasions when they gnaw a whole in your favourite cashmere jumper, they don’t eat the wool they simply spit it out, the damage already having been done.

“It’s basically the longest running joke ever,” said moth spokesperson, Moth Mothmoth, “Most of us started doing it back in the 1970s, when people started to wear flimsy sweaters. That’s when a well-placed hole can be quite hilarious.”

As moths’ statement reverberated throughout the human world, a torrent of anti-moth feeling surged on all forms of social media. Twitter erupted with violent and unashamed moth-abuse, and anti-mothism:

“@Sexxxxibabbbeee: Dem moffs can fuck off! The only hols I want in me top is where I put mi hed!”

“@HOtttguyy100: If I see a moth I’m gonna punch its face-in”

Shares in moth-killing product manufacturers rocketed, with Raid announcing they would be building factories to manufacture moth-killer immediately. It is widely understood that they have also applied to the UN to have the definition of genocide amended to exclude the widespread extermination of cheeky fucking moths.

Laughing their asses off.