Tuesday, 11 March 2014


The disgraced former-editor of the News of the World has denied reports that she attempted to phone-hack the judge at her own trial, despite multiple allegations that she was seen asking for the judge’s number and then sneaking off into a toilet with two mobile phones. Brooks also denied being the former editor of the News of the World, being ginger, being a woman and being a raven-haired temptress of nefarious men.

Several jury members also reported concerns that Brooks may be attempting to carry out some form of surveillance activity on them whilst the trial is taking place. One member said that late at night, he saw Brooks outside his house - poorly disguised as Spongebob Squarepants - loitering menacingly and attempting to look through his windows.

“She wasn’t even dressed as Spongebob really,” said unnamed jury member Ronald Barclay, “She was just holding a little Spongebob in front of her face. With all that bloody hair you could tell it was her.”

Several of the Police team investigating the jury member’s claims ‘just happened’ to be in Chipping Norton all at once, and so gave a press conference from the Brooks residence.

“We will be thorough and diligent in our investigations,” said PC Woodley, seated in his brand new Porsche, “There is absolutely no suggestion that our impartiality will be compromised.”  

It would appear that the Brooks desire for megalomaniacal terror shows no signs of abating: despite denying any knowledge of the whereabouts of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370, Brooks was seen leaving the Old Bailey today with a Boeing 777-shaped suitcase, which appeared to be full. She is also yet to provide an acceptable alibi for the night of Bob Crow’s death.

Brooks sees another person whose phone she can hack.

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