Monday, 29 October 2012


The Conservatives threaten to throw their own austerity plans into inglorious chaos by proposing to spend millions of pounds renewing antiquated and irrelevant military programmes. In addition to Philip Hammond’s mindboggling decision to spend £350 million renewing Trident – in order to fight a Cold-War which ended twenty-one years ago – the Conservatives’ surprising Keynesian-streak is extending to several other obsolescent projects.

Top of the list, are plans to refortify of thousands of Norman-castles the nation over, in order to quell what MOD insiders are describing as ‘the imminent threat of a peasant revolt’. As one Tory spokesman candidly stated, “It might have been a long time since the last revolt, but still, you can’t take anything for granted.”

The Navy is also set to benefit, with a whole new-fleet of 16th century battle ships on-order to ward off the threat posed by the Spanish Armada. Admiral Brigadier General Larry B'Stard - in full Nelsonian military dress - was adamant in his reasoning: “It’s been over four hundred years, the Spanish may be an extinct power, but still, you can’t take anything for granted.”

In addition to increased naval expenditure, there has also been a growing call amongst London Tories for the re-installation of anti-aircraft batteries across the capital, to counter the supposedly insidious threat of a Luftwaffe attack. This has been presented alongside proposals to regenerate air-raid shelters and to modernise the ageing air-raid siren system, by sending alerts on social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter. Again, a Tory spokesman was on-hand to provide duly jingoistic candidness: “It may have been nearly 60 years, the Bosch may be an ally of ours and a major trading partner, but still, you can’t take anything for granted.”

Members of the Liberal Democrats have voiced their concern regarding the fiscal-responsibility of the measures; and also regarding the ostensible paranoia of their Coalition partners.

“God, they keep saying you can’t take things for granted,” said an unnamed Lib Dem spokesman, “They are pathologically suspicious. I saw Michael Gove leave the canteen and take his lunch to the toilet. They all need to chill-out.”

Defence-Secretary Philip Hammond presides over security at his local primary school

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