Friday, 21 September 2012


Hi, I’m Michael Gove. You may remember seeing me in the House of Commons, normally at those times when you think someone has left a ventriloquist-doll on the front bench. My appearance delivers exactly the message it intends: I’m a HARD-ASS. Every single person in the country, no matter what they are doing and how well they are doing it, NEEDS TO DO BETTER! I don’t care how hard your life is, it needs to be HARDER!

It’s this hard-ass ethos that has got me to be Education Secretary and has given me my unmistakable trout-like countenance. I have reformed-the-shit out of education making it HARDER! Year 1 children will be learning classical Greek, and P.E. will be replaced with bare-knuckle boxing - to the DEATH!

Now that I’ve reformed education, I’m here to REFORM YOUR LIFE!

Let’s take a look at an average person’s daily routine and how I propose to reform it:

1.       Wake-up 7:30am
Are you bloody kidding me? You’ve given yourself a five-hour lie-in! You need to get up so early that it’s HARD! If you’re not chirping before the birds are you’ve FAILED!

2.      Eat breakfast of cereal and tea
I didn’t realise I was talking to Prince Charles! Needless ostentation like food does not make life HARD! A self-administered punch in the face is a more than an adequate breakfast.

3.       Walk to tube station and take train to work
You unspeakably-lazy oaf! Walking is not HARD! Running bare foot whilst carrying a pack of weights is HARD! And you can forget the tube, try crawling whilst slapping yourself, HARD!

4.       Arrive at office 9am
Your selfishness makes me sick! Don’t you know we are competing with China nowadays, where life is HARD! Those little guys have been working for HOURS by the time your lazy behind has arrived at your palatial office in Croydon. You better not use a photocopier either! It’s back to copying it out by hand I’m afraid, just like in the old days when life was HARD!

5.       Eat Lunch 1pm-2pm
Eating is a sign of weakness, if you are forced to eat; a cup of Victorian gruel is more than enough. Any more than FIVE minutes away from your desk and you can consider yourself in the WORKHOUSE!

6.       Leave work 5:30pm
You f****** lazy **** mother********* rascal! Get back in there and I’ll see you at MIDNIGHT!

7.       Relax in the evening with friends and family
If you’re not sleeping you should be WORKING! If you aren’t working then you should be purging yourself with a cat o’ nine tails or equivalent torture device.

Unlike Nietzsche, Gove never enjoys seeing a child at play.

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