#ZEITbites

Politics

LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.

Sport

ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.

The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.

World

PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.

RECORD RISE IN CITY BREAK BOOKINGS FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF ANOTHER TUBE STRIKE

Travel agents across London have experienced an unprecedented rise in bookings for city breaks following the announcement of another tube strike due to take place this week. Travel agents believe the rise represents a growing trend amongst Londoners to use the increasing number of strike days to have a long weekend or a short break away.

“It’s basically like having another bank holiday,” said Thomas Cook spokesman, Tom Cook, “ Most people will no doubt be informing their employers that they will be working from home on the strike day, but really, it’s likely they will be taking advantage of some of our fabulous getaway offers.”

London office worker, Sharon Farronbarron, said that the strike was the perfect opportunity for office workers across the capital to cool their heels for a day, whilst also being able to exhibit disingenuous indignation at the actions of the unions.

“It’s great,” said Farron, browsing through Groupon offers to use on the day of the strike, “I get to treat myself AND I get to act all high and mighty by calling those union workers a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards trying to ruin the lives of hard working people like me…. Ooh, look, half price spa day!”

The sign at Waterloo Underground Station manages to hypnotise hundreds of commuters.

SITUATION IN GREECE IS MORE FUCKED-UP THAN A PUPPYDOG MASSACRE

With tragedy, farce, lies, delusion, masochism and sheer folly, the situation in Greece has all the ingredients of a complete fuck pie. Whether Greece stays in the Euro but has to sacrifice ninety percent of its economy to do so, or whether it leaves the Euro in an orgy of self-harm and sacrifices ninety percent of its economy in the process, there are no winners in what is widely being touted as the most fucked-up situation in recent memory.

“We have a situation where, if justice is done, Greece will be decimated,” said Shitibank analyst, Ima Jerkov, “However we also have a situation where, if justice isn’t done, Greece will be decimated. It’s totes fucked-up.”

The views of the public across the EU appear to reflect this total fuckfest of a predicament. In a recent poll commissioned by Angela Merkel’s advisors, Rowswivkranks and Buildemfirm, 85% of Europeans felt “Greece should be helped in its hour of need”. However, 90% of the same Europeans also felt “Greece could fuck off if it thinks I’m going to pay for it.”

In Westminster, Tory Treasury spokesman, Nigel Crotchwisker, said there was no obvious solution to Greece’s predicament:

“This shows the weakness of the European project as there is no way of resolving Greece’s inability to pay its debts to its European partners,” said Crotchwisker, whilst browsing online for holiday villas in Crete, “I mean sure, we could give them money, but come on, would you want to give someone money who retired when they were 35?"

More fucked-up than this guy's face.

PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....

TORIES BAN EVERY SINGLE SUBSTANCE AVAILABLE TO MANKIND APART FROM TOBACCO, ALCOHOL AND CAFFEINE

In an attempt to crack down on so-called ‘legal highs’, the Tories have imposed a blanket ban on all ‘psychoactive substances’ except the psychoactive substances that Tories actually use and enjoy. The Psychoactive Substance Act will ban all chemicals and substances with psychoactive properties, with exceptions for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, as all are categorised as food or medicinal products. 

There are also other exceptions for other Tory psychoactive favourites, including mouldy Gentleman’s Relish and the odd pop of nose-candy.

“Every week two more ‘legal highs’ are discovered somewhere in Europe at one of those blasted hippy-do raves,” said government drugs spokesman, Nev Agotlean, “It’s about time someone put a stop to all of those stinky, probably Labour, hippies spinning out on weird crap we don’t understand. 

They are only allowed to spin out on stuff that we like – like brandy shots in the eye and the odd cigarillo!”

Some head-shop owners are intensely scrutinising the new Act looking for loopholes that may allow them to continue selling their now illegal ‘legal highs’.

“We’ve already started doing popper sandwiches and a salvia casserole,” said head-shop owner, AG Hippitoff, “We are thinking about offering nitrous oxide therapy, as a way of utilising its medicinal potential, but we’re not sure about it yet man.”

The Psychoactive Act has prescribed strict penalties for those caught in possession of any substance it regards as prohibited. The potential of a seven year custodial sentence means possession of a ‘legal high’ may now be worse than possession of an illegal drug, which most believe will confuse Police and give them just another reason to harass ethnic minorities.

Crap looking packaging is sadly still legal.

THE ZEITlies GUIDE TO GENERAL ELECTION SEX….

The 2015 General Election takes place in two days and all polls are predicting a Parliament that will be more hung than Linford Christie. But the reality is, it doesn’t matter who you vote for – you’re getting fucked every which way. In the spirit of accepting this basic principle, ZEITlies explores exactly how the various political parties would go about fucking you…

Conservative
The Tories will fuck you hard and fast and they don’t care about the pain. They are here to do a job and that job is fucking - they will take no prisoners along the way. There are some exceptions however. If you’re rich, expect satin sheets and scented body oils, maybe even a harpist in the room to set the mood. But if you’re poor, boy, are you getting fucked! The Tories pull out the big dongs for that, making sure the poor get screwed harder than anyone else.

The annoying face of Tory sex.

Labour
The Tories may screw the poor like animals but Labour are arguably worse. Labour like to tease you, promising you impossible things: fifty orgasms, erections for a week, unlimited stamina and incomparable creativity. But the reality is, Labour will give you nothing. Instead, with their deeply held fetish for debt: Labour are here to fuck your kids. They are kiddie-fuckers.

Liberal Democrats
The Lib Dems will try and do things by the book. Exactly the right amount of foreplay, exactly the right amount of force and tenderness, exactly the right number of positions – Lib Dem sex will go to a plan. However, afterwards, rather inexplicably, you’ll realise you just don’t fancy them…

UKIP
Sex with UKIP is mean and nasty. Whips, chains, ball gags, handcuffs, burning crosses on your front lawn – the whole nine yards. UKIP don’t care who they hurt, they just love being cunts. Expect punches in the face and dripping candle wax on your nether regions – all to the incessant blaring of Land of Hope and Glory.

Green Party
Ever had a dry hump? Ever had someone rub themselves up against you either because you were in a place where actual sex was risky, or because you were fifteen? Well sex with the Green Party would be much worse than that and way less penetrative. They couldn’t fuck you even if they tried.

Better than Green Party sex.

SALMOND BUYS CROWN AND SCEPTRE AHEAD OF UP-COMING ELECTION

Six-months on from Salmond’s September secessionist hi-jinks, the SNP leader has finally come across another serendipitous circumstance that will unjustly increase his importance once again and understandably, he’s absolutely delighted. The up-coming election in the UK looks about as likely to form a majority government as Jeremy Clarkson is likely to convert to Islam, and Salmond will probably be gift-wrapped another chance to be king-maker and ball-grabbing power broker.

“Ah can’t fuckin wait, pal!” sputtered Salmond at a press conference, whilst gorging on a steaming mountain of Scotch eggs, “When the election results come in, I’ll be waitin’ for the call! And when I get it, Ah’m gonnae make ‘em beg! This time I’m asking for me own army! And they can put me face on the money, know what I mean pal?”

An SNP spokesman, Dougal McDougal, confirmed that Salmond has authorised the purchase of a sceptre and crown, which he believes will be indispensable to the performance of his duties as king-maker in the event that a coalition involving the SNP is formed.

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a king, rather than a king-maker, would wear a crown and hold a sceptre,” said a disgruntled McDougal, speaking strictly off the record, “But it’s gone to his head. I mean the other day he shouted ‘Off with his head!’ to the party treasurer, but no one said anything, everyone just pretended like he wasn’t an insane megalomaniac.”  

Unsurprisingly, Whitehall politicians have been grumbling their dissatisfaction at the possibility that Salmond’s influence may once again hang over them, like the floating pong of a nearby field that has been freshly manured.

“It’s a bloody ball-ache,” said Tory party member, Alistair Fetching-Jungespaus, “It’s like that time the Republic of Djibouti got the casting vote at the UN. Oh boy! Didn’t they lord it up! Just like Salmond is now…” 

Salmond checks out the latest YouGov Poll

ANDREW MITCHELL PUT ON HOMICIDE WATCH FOLLOWING PAYMENT OF DAMAGES TO PLEBGATE OFFICER

Disgraced, pleb-calling, Victorian-cycle-riding former Tory Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell MP, has been put on homicide watch following his settlement of a libel case with Met officer, PC Rowland. Mitchell has agreed to pay a sum of £80,000 in damages following the Plebgate affair, despite his continued protestations of innocence and evidence challenging the credibility of PC Rowland. A furious Mitchell is said to be locked in a padded cell filled with stuffed figurines of Ed Milliband and a baseball bat for him to beat them with.

“He is pretty pissed right now,” said Tory intern, Sienna Henrietta, “When he left the meeting with his lawyers, I saw him punch an old lady outside the office for no reason. Then when the driver farted in the car, he completely lost it. He wound down the windows and started calling everyone a pleb, and then he threw his phone at a Lollypop lady.”

Clinical psychologist, Helen Melon-Choly, claimed that studies have proven conclusively that there is no angrier human than a Tory with a feeling of indignation. She said that depending on your political views, such people should either be lobotomized or made Prime Minister.

Labour leader and five-time “Parliament's Most Punchable Face” Champion, Ed Miliband, has been quick to highlight Mitchell’s payout as evidence of the Nasty Party rearing his ugly head once again. Miliband began commenting on the matter at a visit to a local primary school, but was soon interrupted when a year seven lost his cool and punched the Labour leader in the face.

Mitchell learns that his guns have been taken away.

HUGE RISE IN NUMBER OF FAKE LAW FIRMS THREATENS TO EXPOSE THE UTTER FARCE OF REAL LAW FIRMS

Little known and barely used regulator of solicitors, the SRA, released figures revealing a 125% increase in reports of fake law firms made to them over the last two years. The SRA quickly looked to dispel allegations that such a rise was due to the fact they had installed a second phone, stating that the figures represented a worrying trend that was affecting even more worryingly stupid consumers.

“People can easily be duped by scammers masquerading as lawyers, the two groups are so difficult to distinguish at the best of times!” said SRA spokesman, Ivor Twotoo-Degry, “What we are urging consumers to think is, just because he says he’s a solicitor doesn’t mean he is. I mean, if he said he was a lion, would you believe him? No, you’d ask for some credentials.”

However, amidst the cries of concern at the plight of the consumer, petrified lawyers are closing ranks and administering spanks, fearing the prospect that fake lawyers may discover what a complete farce being a real lawyer actually is.

“What happens if they find out that we never draft anything? That we just tweak templates we get from PLC Corporate online?” said Hamilton Slax, a concerned partner of West End law firm, Cordoroy Slax LLP, “Or that we actually don’t know anything, we just Google it like everyone else. And then there’s billing…. dear God…”

Several Magic Circle firms are already thought to be lobbying the government to bring back the death penalty for ‘lawyering under falsehood with masquerade aforethought’, approaching all the major political parties in a desperate attempt to arse-cover in the run-up to the election. UKIP are thought to be considering the proposal, having already decided to bring back the death penalty for the proposed offence of ‘being Romanian’. 

I'm ruined.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Strauss-Kahn sex-tape found at Gary Glitter’s house –Sham-glam pram-slammer, Gary Glitter, found himself in more trouble this week after copies of a Strauss-Kahn sex-tape were found at his house (alongside his usual stash of child porn). Glitter claimed to ‘storing’ the tapes for Strauss-Kahn, having met the ex-IMF chief at a vulnerable-girls sex marathon the Frenchman was hosting at his Paris apartment. The former cherry-popster maintained that he had never watched the tape at all, and that the DVD was in his computer as he wanted to check it was empty.

Tinder banned in Southern states of the US after record spike in reports of incest – The dating app Tinder has been banned in most of the Southern states of the US following a massive increase in reports of incest. Police stations across the South are inundated with calls from troubled parents who have had to prise siblings apart after unwitting matches on Tinder. The matched siblings often engage in days of sexting without realising they are talking to their brother or sister. By the time they realise it is often too late.

Five Labour Party supporters caught plotting to assassinate Ed Balls – Five Labour Party supporters have been accused of trying to assassinate their own shadow front-bencher, Ed Balls, in a stunning revelation in the run-up to this year's election. The five supporters, known as “The Five Balls” (though many initially suggested “The Balls Five” to be a better title) are currently in Police custody following a raid on a terraced house in North London. The Police are said to have uncovered a plan whereby Balls would be tempted to attend a fictional event called, “The Ed is AMAZE-Ball” at the Park Lane Hilton, whereupon he was to be drugged and tortured extensively. Many are speculating that an array of election-aware Labour front-benchers are implicated in the plot, but the rumours are yet to be confirmed.

General Election could be re-scheduled to accommodate British Bake Off Special – The BBC are considering asking the government to re-schedule the up-coming General Election in order to allow them to broadcast a special episode of the British Bake Off featuring Gordon Ramsay and Jordan. The government are said to have acknowledged that the BBO special is likely to attract far more interest than the election, but have maintained that representative government is still “sort of the most important thing… I mean technically anyway” to the British people. 

The ever-present threat of incest.

NEW ZEALAND? NO! NOT YOU AS WELL…

An OECD report on rising income inequality across the developed world has confirmed what many observers with at least a piecemeal understanding of life have thought all along: in countries like Britain and the US income distribution is now about as equal as it was during the years leading up to Peasant Revolt of 1381. But the report has also shocked many by revealing that some perennial ‘good guy’ countries are also coming under the spell of neo-liberalism, abandoning things like progressive taxation and knitwear, in favour of corporate subsidies and latex thongs. One such country is New Zealand - shocking Lord of the Rings lovers the world over, and delighting the shit out of chuckling Aussies.

“When I saw the country’s name on the list I thought, oh no, New Zealand? Not you as well!” said centre-left blogger, Barb Ityewat, “Where the fuck are those of us that believe in an egalitarian society meant to live? Canada has become like the US, the Dutch keep acting crazy, Sweden is too cold and also now right-wing, and now New Zealand as well? Damnit!”

The government in Auckland responded to the report by claiming that though the findings were concerning, the New Zealand public should still count their blessings that they weren’t living in Australia under Tony Abbott.

Prices of New Zealand’s exports have remained robust in spite of the negative press, though interestingly, demand for New Zealand lamb has sky-rocketed in Qatar, netting huge profits for Halal-ready exporters. One meat exporter from Dunedin said it was because “the Qataris love anything that is the product of an unequal system. They really get off on that.”

Surprising fans of Reaganomics.

IT’S OFFICIAL: FARAGE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON IMMIGRATION

Nigel Farage surprised even the most cynical of observers this week when he blamed his inability to arrive in Wales on time on – what he believed to be – immigrant-fuelled traffic on the M4. Rather than giving any credence to his opinion, most people took the pronouncement as confirmation that Farage really does blame EVERYTHING on immigration. ZEITlies takes a look at a few other things ol’ Nige is likely to blame on those blasted migrants from overseas…

1.       Climate change

Warmer winters, boiling summers – most of us put this down to the effect of growing levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. Not Nigel though, who sees the rising temperature in the UK as further evidence of immigrants looking to impose ‘their ways’ on the British public.

2.       Failing British schools

Immigrants up to no good again, says Nigey. They come over here with their goddamn aspirations and hard work, and now they are making our kids look like duffers!

3.       His own inability to perform sexually

It has nothing to do with his long-standing erectile dysfunction, his reptilian jowl, or the liver spot on his chest shaped like a camel. Farage blames his inability to make a woman orgasm on Labour and now the coalitions’ bleedin’ open-door immigration policy.

4.       The quality of his dinner last night

It was dry, tasteless, mass-produced rubbish! After all, it was cooked by his wife – and she’s a bloody immigrant!

Farage muses over who to blame.

ANDREW MITCHELL CONSIDERS RAISING ARMY TO ARREST THE DECLINE OF FEUDALISM

As Mr Justice Mitting ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Andrew Mitchell most likely did call PC Toby Rowland a ‘pleb’ as he left Downing Street last year, the former Tory chief-whip was left ruing the emancipation of plebeians across the country. A member of Mitchell’s legal team was heard saying the Tory MP was considering raising an army to defend his good name.

“He’s utterly disgusted that he isn’t allowed to say what he wants and ride his bike where he wants,” said a close friend of Mitchell’s, Henry Buttersnatch, “He thinks it’s about time someone showed those blasted peasants who’s boss!”

Early indications suggest that Mitchell’s plans haven’t aroused much support from the Tory front bench, though George Osborne is believed to have tried to hatch a similar plan last year.

Like a lot of cyclists in London, Mitchell is a complete tosser.

   

GOVERNMENT FEARS MIGRATORY BIRDS ARE FLYING SOUTH TO JOIN ISIS

A leaked government report has revealed many Whitehall mandarins (and tangerines) fear that the country’s migratory birds could be joining ISIS when they fly south for the winter. Secretly commissioned research has uncovered evidence of a flock of pigeons from East London becoming radicalised and possibly flying to ISIS controlled Syria to join the fighting.

“We are working to deal with the threat,” said Home Office mandarin, Frank Lee Odias, “We are certain that birds have become radicalised, we have solid intel on that. I mean, the source was a convicted crack dealer, who was adjudged a pathological liar by the country’s top psychologist, but still, his intel was solid.”

The report also revealed fears that radicalised battle-hardened birds returning from ISIS next summer could cause havoc in the UK, with contingency plans already taking place to install anti-aircraft batteries across the country’s airports. 

Birds returning from ISIS in suicidal attack formation.

MICHAEL FALLON DISCOVERS ACTUAL IMMIGRANT SWAMP IN ROCHESTER

In a shocking discovery that has vindicated a statement made to the press earlier in the week, defence secretary Michael Fallon has discovered a swamp of boggy peat comprised exclusively of immigrants, located on the outskirts of forthcoming by-election town, Rochester. Fallon triumphantly announced that his previous claim that Britain was to be “swamped by immigrants” was in fact a portent of astonishing prescience.

“This is exactly the problem I was referring to earlier in the week,” boomed a shirtless and chest-beating Michael Fallon, “Swamped by immigrants? Here is a swamp made entirely of immigrants! I have never felt the erection-inducing throes of vindication so much in my life!”

Conservative and UKIP bloggers have been quick to seize on the discovery, suggesting that Enoch Powell had been right – though wrong on the exact landscape feature – and that it is likely that the entire UK would be one immigrant swamp by as early as February 2015.

A spokeswoman from anti-racism organisation, E-Kwality, denounced the discovery as nothing more than a hoax:

“We visited the site earlier in the day and saw that it was in fact some immigrants, picking some fruit in a farmer’s field,” said spokeswoman, Charity Imployi, “Unfortunately it had rained rather heavily that morning so the workers were quite muddy. When Fallon arrived he immediately removed his shirt and began screaming that it was an immigrant swamp. It was hard to reason with him.”

 The last native man of Britain.

LONDON’S MUSLIMS ERECT STATUE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL MADE ENTIRELY FROM OLD COPIES OF THE QUR’AN

In response to the pathetically cynical attempt by The Sun newspaper to assist Britain’s Muslims in proving their Britishness, members of an East London mosque have erected a statue of long-time alcoholic racist and reigning Best Briton Ever, Winston Churchill, made entirely from old copies of the Qur’an, hoping to affirm their identity as British Muslims.

“We hope it sends a message to all and sundry that we are as British as everyone else,” said the statue’s creator, Kamal Yupip-ul-Islam, “But, we are Muslims, so like this statue, we are sort of made of old Qur’ans, and of course, a natural fruit-based adhesive.”

A local UKIP councillor was quick to take to Twitter to voice her disgust at the mosque’s statue, in a stinging denouncement of the statue and its creators:

“@Iaintracistyoupaki what a disgrace! Disrispeckting cherchill and giving us the Obama virus! They’ve gone to far."

However, the statue and its intentions have received praise from many artists in the London art scene, including bed-scene-queen Tracy Emin, who said:

“Well Churchill is a subject I tried to tackle as well,” said Emin whilst smearing corn-fed chicken excreta onto a poodle on her lap, “But I decided to use the medium of chilled whale semen, which was an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful idea.”

The Churchill statue in Dover is made entirely from bird excreta.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 

portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.  

CONFUSED SCOT BNP MEMBERS LOOK TO JOIN SNP FOLLOWING SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

Along with the plethora of misinterpretations, delusions, misjudgements and general confused ramblings surrounding Scottish independence, it has been reported that large numbers of Scottish members of the far-right BNP (British National Party) have joined the SNP (Scottish National Party) in anticipation of independence, unaware that there may be slight ideological differences.

“Obviously we welcome anyone who wants to join us in making history,” said SNP spokesman Hamish Ewadtaedrink, “But we want to make it perfectly clear, we are not looking to form an ethnically pure Scotland. I mean we sort of are, like, we don’t want English people here. Well, that’s not true, we do want English people, just not British… or Chinese or something.”

One Scottish BNP member explains his decision to join the Scottish National Party:

“I thought it was just a straight swap really and that Salmond has a lot of Griffin in him if you ask me,” said lifelong racist Donald McDonald, “Give him a glass eye and you’ve got the full package.”

The BNP has remained silent on the latest exodus of members from its ranks, though many insiders are now wondering whether ethnic Scots should be a new focus for their racist designs, with one far-right blogger claiming “they’re basically foreign now, which means they need a kicking”.

Scot BNP members' prejudice extends to small-case letters.

EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT OF PEOPLE LIST NARCISSISM AS A HOBBY IN RECENT SURVEY

A survey conducted by polling organisation, GRE-CPol, which interviewed over ten thousand UK residents between the ages of sixteen and thirty, discovered that a staggering eighty-five percent of people now list narcissism as a hobby. Narcissism is now by far the most popular hobby amongst young people in the UK today, beating previous top hobbies ‘watching TV’ and ‘fucking about on the internet’ into second and third places respectively.

“Obviously we framed narcissism quite widely, to include more than just selfies,” explained GRE-CPol statistician, Stan Dardevyashan, “We included things like the recent ice-bucket challenge, most holiday snaps, and photos uploaded of third-parties in whose reflected glory the uploader seeks to bask in.”

The government’s opposition was quick to respond to the findings, blaming the population's growing infatuation with itself on the government’s agenda of privatisation, the deconstruction of the state and what 

Harriet Harman described was “proto-Nietschzian-facist misogyny” - after speaking to journalists gathered outside the International De-criminalise Paedophilia Conference (known by regulars as the DP Conference) where she was giving the keynote speech

Queen narcissist Lady Gaga later tweeted that she thought the survey was a “totally poo joke”, before moments later tweeting a picture of herself pouting, pushing her cleavage together and holding a cocktail with a rasher of bacon in it.

There's always time for a selfie.