Follow us on Twitter @PrivateLies1

Zeitlies Vox-Pop
BRITISH TEENS TALK ABOUT THEIR GCSE RESULTS

Following reports that GCSE results have worsened for the first time ever, Zeitlies took to the streets to ascertain the views of British teenagers about the state of their education:

ZL: So, with the number of people obtaining A*-C Grades at GCSE falling for the first time ever, how would you respond to the suggestion that today’s teenagers are not as academic as their predecessors?

Teenager: Academic? You fag. No wonder you talk like a bender with a haircut like that.

ZL: I see. What (if any) improvements would you say the education system would benefit from?

Teenager: Oi John! Come over here and look at this bender’s haircut…

ZL: Does it concern you that British teenagers, when compared to their counterparts in India or China, are portrayed as being vacuous, self-obsessed and interested in nothing other than football and celebrity culture?

Teenager: Seriously mate, get a haircut. Then tell me about those Chinese Pakis. John! This guy said he fancies Pakis from China…

ZL: Lastly, as the next generation set to take the reins of power, what would you say the future holds?

Teenager: You're a twat blud. I'm off to the tanning shop…

Terry is set to be the star of his sixth-form's Oxbridge Access programme.

GEORGEY-PORGEY TELLS CLEGGY-WEGGY TO LEAVE HIS FRIENDS ALONE

George-Porgey Osborne has once again sought to violently urinate over any Lib Dem parade, by dismissing the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Cleggy-Weggy’s suggestion that there should be an emergency implementation of a 'wealth-tax' on the nation’s richest inhabitants. 

Clegg has demanded the temporary emergency tax on the wealthy, following the recent revelation of the truly dire state of the nation’s economy – and of the associated emptiness of the Treasury’s coffers. In a nation where twenty-five per cent of the country’s wealth is held by a monumentally-entitled one per cent of the population (many of whom have seen their bank balances swell in recent months following income tax cuts) – proponents of progressive economics have unsurprisingly supported Clegg’s demands.

However, Osborne immediately dismissed the demands, by holding a press conference and symbolically fellating a man dressed in a top-hat and tails. After wiping his face, Osborne told the awaiting press that he had had quite enough of the Deputy Prime Minister’s demands:

“We can’t start taxing the wealth creators,” said Osborne, struggling to clear his throat. “Besides, he is deliberately trying to tax all my best mates – which is politicking at its lowest. You don’t hear me banging on about a Louis Theroux tax, do you?”

Many Tories believe that Clegg’s recent outburst is nothing more than leadership posturing, in preparation for what will no doubt be an eventful conference season for the Deputy Prime Minister. However, Lib Dem insiders have suggested that this recrudescence in Clegg’s political motivations is in fact the product of a “wonderful fly-drive holiday with Miriam and the kids”.

Clegg and Osborne are both adept at using flatulence as a weapon against each other.

“It’s amazing what a holiday can do for you,” said a Lib Dem spokesman, “In Nick’s case, it has made him remember a key Lib Dem policy that has been in our manifesto since the SDP days. Oh yeah, and it’s given him a lovely tan!”