GEORGE BUSH’S PAINTINGS REVEAL HIS ‘OUTER’ CHILD

As a series of paintings, conjured up by the former Most Hated Man in The World and five-time World Douche of the Year, George Bush, is released to a chorus of exasperated groans, art critics are unanimous in their view that the works reveal Bush’s true personality. However, instead of tapping into a childlike state that lies deep and dormant in the recesses of his personality, Bush’s work is able to exploit the childlike state that is conveniently on the surface.

“Oh he has used his work to really show us who he is, like going through a process of spiritual regression to reach one’s fundamentalities, and I for one, love it,” said broadsheet art-critic, Foolah Krapp, whilst he/she drank/ate a cocktail/beer served in a man/woman’s hat, “With George he doesn’t need to regress, his fundamentalities are on the surface! He’s a child! It’s just amoriphicly fantabulicious, indubitably.”

Bush’s works have already attracted several high-profile customers, with aging megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch rumoured to have offered ten million US dollars for Bush’s self-portrait. Sources close to Murdoch claim that the Australian media tycoon plans to hang the portrait in the same room that he houses his life-size waxwork of Margaret Thatcher, on the opposite wall to a series of sketches of a nude Rebekah Brooks. Other rumoured customers are former prime-minister and career bullshit-merchant, Tony Blair, and current Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.    

From the collection: 'Selfies'

COCAINE STUFFED DONKEY USED BY SMUGGLERS AS DRUG MULE

A four-foot Bolivian donkey named Alvarez who was stuffed with up to ten kilos of cocaine, has been repeatedly used as a ‘drug mule’ by local cocaine smugglers. A cocaine-packed Alvarez made over twenty cross-border journeys - by land, sea and air - spanning some five years, before eventually attracting the suspicion of customs officers in his native Bolivia.

“We just never thought a ‘drug mule’ would actually be a mule full of drugs,” said Bolivian customs official, Gimme da Briberio, “It’s a brilliant plan really. Normally we look for fat British tourists, so the last thing we would suspect is a cocaine-stuffed donkey. Just shows how sophisticated these smugglers are.”

Alvarez is currently in custody in Sucre, housed in the capital’s infamous El Villa del Rapos Analios Prison, alongside some of the nation’s most violent criminals. However, it is rumoured that Alverez has utilised underworld connections to secure preferential treatment inside the slammer.

A hardened drug mule, Alvarez the donkey was finally caught when a customs officer in Bolivia noticed that instead of being a valid passport-holder attempting to exit the country lawfully, Alvarez was in fact a donkey full of coke.

Drug mule

HOME OFFICE ADVOCATES DRONE STRIKES TO TACKLE BADGER POPULATION

With the UK’s population of badgers spreading TB quicker than a hoard of travelling Victorian peasants, the nation’s farmers are looking for new ways to curb the rising numbers of striped miscreant. Princess Anne suggested earlier in the week that the animals should be gassed, but later reports cast doubt on whether she was talking about badgers or was in fact ranting about a particular brand of non-Christian. But with gassing as a means of culling being about as scientifically grounded as the Atkins diet is for slimming, the Home Office has sought to employ a more 21^st century approach – and drone-strikes appear to be the answer.

“We’ve seen quite how effectively drones rooted out those pesky Taliban from their caves in Afghanistan,” said Home Secretary Theresa May, after posing for the latest Tory-babes calendar, “We intend to use the same approach to blow badgers from their sets, it’s very efficient. Also, I used one the other day to drop a bomb on Yvette Cooper and she totally shat her pants.”

Unsurprisingly, several members of the Tory cabinet hold strong opinions regarding the badger cull, with some hard-line back-benchers suggesting that badgers should be rounded up en-masse and sent into inner-city council estates, where they could provide clothing (in the form of Davey Crockett style-hats) and a nutritious source of meat for the nation’s poorest. Education Secretary Michael Gove feels that the re-location policy doesn’t go far enough; stating that following a re-location of the badgers to council estates, the areas should be coated in a reassuringly-thick layer of napalm, just to ensure that badger numbers are indeed reduced.

Trial-runs using drones have begun in earnest in parts of Yorkshire, with groups of school children using Playstation controllers to direct the drones to clusters of disease-ridden badgers. However, there has already been one unforeseen casualty when late last night, former Apprentice runner-up Ruth Badger (dressed as a badger and sniffing a badger’s set) was reported to have been struck down by a drone strike outside Barnsley. 

Don't give me that look, you're nothing but dirty vermin.

“JUST FIND THE F**KING PLANE ALREADY!” A BELEAGUERED WORLD TELLS AUTHORITIES

After two weeks of piece-meal bits of information, false leads, wild conjectures, ludicrous supposition and the absolute abandonment of journalistic practice in favour of unabated speculation, a beleaguered world desperately pleads with Chinese and Malaysian authorities: “Just find the f**king plane already”. A union of disaffected journalists has vowed to boycott any forthcoming press-conferences called by either the Chinese or Malaysian authorities, unless they can guarantee that such a press conference will disclose the actual location of the missing flight MH 370.

“It’s been an absolute eternity, and there is only so much bullshit I can make up,” said a journalist for the Associated Press, “I don’t want to have to speculate about aliens taking the plane or it going through a time-warp… I’m a journalist not a fantasy writer, I can’t take it anymore!”

Latest news from an Australian search vessel that a ‘pulse’ has been picked up in the nether regions of the South Indian Ocean has been met with muted indifference the world over.

“Oh they said the same thing last week, didn’t they? Turned out it was one of the search party’s mobile phone vibrating,” said disgruntled hack, Terjid Boolshitman, “Unless I see a severed arm or leg or head, I’m not gonna bother reporting it.”

It's been there all along.