IT’S OFFICIAL: FARAGE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON IMMIGRATION

Nigel Farage surprised even the most cynical of observers this week when he blamed his inability to arrive in Wales on time on – what he believed to be – immigrant-fuelled traffic on the M4. Rather than giving any credence to his opinion, most people took the pronouncement as confirmation that Farage really does blame EVERYTHING on immigration. ZEITlies takes a look at a few other things ol’ Nige is likely to blame on those blasted migrants from overseas…

1.       Climate change

Warmer winters, boiling summers – most of us put this down to the effect of growing levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. Not Nigel though, who sees the rising temperature in the UK as further evidence of immigrants looking to impose ‘their ways’ on the British public.

2.       Failing British schools

Immigrants up to no good again, says Nigey. They come over here with their goddamn aspirations and hard work, and now they are making our kids look like duffers!

3.       His own inability to perform sexually

It has nothing to do with his long-standing erectile dysfunction, his reptilian jowl, or the liver spot on his chest shaped like a camel. Farage blames his inability to make a woman orgasm on Labour and now the coalitions’ bleedin’ open-door immigration policy.

4.       The quality of his dinner last night

It was dry, tasteless, mass-produced rubbish! After all, it was cooked by his wife – and she’s a bloody immigrant!

Farage muses over who to blame.

LONDON’S MUSLIMS ERECT STATUE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL MADE ENTIRELY FROM OLD COPIES OF THE QUR’AN

In response to the pathetically cynical attempt by The Sun newspaper to assist Britain’s Muslims in proving their Britishness, members of an East London mosque have erected a statue of long-time alcoholic racist and reigning Best Briton Ever, Winston Churchill, made entirely from old copies of the Qur’an, hoping to affirm their identity as British Muslims.

“We hope it sends a message to all and sundry that we are as British as everyone else,” said the statue’s creator, Kamal Yupip-ul-Islam, “But, we are Muslims, so like this statue, we are sort of made of old Qur’ans, and of course, a natural fruit-based adhesive.”

A local UKIP councillor was quick to take to Twitter to voice her disgust at the mosque’s statue, in a stinging denouncement of the statue and its creators:

“@Iaintracistyoupaki what a disgrace! Disrispeckting cherchill and giving us the Obama virus! They’ve gone to far."

However, the statue and its intentions have received praise from many artists in the London art scene, including bed-scene-queen Tracy Emin, who said:

“Well Churchill is a subject I tried to tackle as well,” said Emin whilst smearing corn-fed chicken excreta onto a poodle on her lap, “But I decided to use the medium of chilled whale semen, which was an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful idea.”

The Churchill statue in Dover is made entirely from bird excreta.

UKIP ELECTION WIN CONFIRMS THE WORST: THERE’S MORE TWATS ABOUT THAN WE THOUGHT

The nation is still reverberating from the tremors of the UKIP political earthquake which saw the first non-LabCon party in 90 years win an election in the UK, brushing-off all contenders in a stunning rout.  The result left many shocked British voters pondering one crushing realisation: there really are more twats about than we thought.

As the waters of the UKIP tsunami recede, leaving a detritus of Tetley bitter cans, Bernard Manning DVDs and England football shirts, political pollsters are now seeking to ascertain exactly how many twats are actually out there.

“We knew there were a lot of twats, what with The Voice being so popular and all, but the UKIP election win was simply another level,” mused famed internet pollster, Bate Sliver, “There really are so many more twats out there than even the most cynical of us thought.”

Ruining a car parking space near you.

It is widely believed that the distribution of twats is generally uneven throughout the UK, with some areas showing very few, but in parts of Essex twat numbers are said to be so high that twats outnumber non-twats in many towns. Some analysts believe Essex could become the first twat-majority county by 2015.

Related News: The Ultra Knowledgeable Institute of Paedophiles has seen a huge surge in its membership following the European elections last weekend, with many easily-confused voters joining under the mistaken apprehension that it was the United Kingdom Independence Party.

“We have had many people join us thinking we were UKIP, most of them left when they realised we weren’t, “commented the Institute’s membership secretary, Dirty Phil, “I guess it’s an easy mistake to make.”

Farage has refused to comment on the latest bizarre fiasco, but critics have been quick to suggest that this is further evidence that most UKIP voters have no idea what they are signing-up to.

FARAGE DENIES RUMOURS THAT UKIP PLAN TO LEGALISE RACISM

As each day passes and another hoard of racist UKIP members is grimly uncovered, an increasingly confused – and possibly not that racist - Nigel Farage has been forced to deny rumours that if it were to be in office, a UKIP government would be forced to legalise racism.

“As more and more members are proving themselves to be filthy racists,” said Anti-Racism campaigner, Omar Godyeh, “In order to keep the majority its cabinet out of jail, a UKIP government would have to legalise racism.”

But Farage has hit back, forcefully denying the allegation that his party is filled with race-baiting hate-mongers and xenophobic genitally deficient little-Englanders, claiming that the number of racist UKIP members and electoral candidates has been blown wildly out of proportion.

“Look, I’m sick of having to say this, but just because 98% of our members are racist, it doesn’t mean that we’re all racist,” said Farage, flicking through the final copy of recently-closed lad-mag Nuts, “We’re a genuine alternative to the Westminster bigwigs…. look at the jugs on that darkie!”

UKIP members show little imagination at a fancy dress party.

FARAGE PROMISES TO LEARN THE NAMES OF FIVE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES AHEAD OF THE UPCOMING DEBATE WITH CLEGG

For a man who intends to buy all his policies from whichever back-alley think-tank will flog ‘em to ‘im at the right price; the prospect of an actual debate on policy promises to be the most damningly-exposing political episode since John Prescott’s streaking at the House of Commons. But a resolute and determined Nigel Farage has come out fighting, stating that he will learn the names of “at least five European countries” ahead of the upcoming debate with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.

A spokesman for UKIP issued a statement at a press conference – hosted at the strip-club ‘Golden Nuggets’ - on behalf of an absent Farage, who was busy attending the annual UKIP cage-fight at a car-park in Dagenham.

“Mr Farage is determined to smack Mr Clegg’s Westminster-botty from here to Madrid, from where his kraut wife hails,” said UKIP spokesman, Johnny Gaddaffy, “Not only will he learn five names of countries, he will also learn to impersonate an offensive stereotype from each of them. The British public will realise he is our only choice when it comes to dealing with those Europeans, from Brussels to Bagdad!”

Unsurprisingly, Farage’s intentions have ruffled Liberal Democrat feathers:

“Even though Mr Clegg has worked in Brussels with EU institutions and has a far greater understanding of the issues, we are still worried, well, depressed really,” said a Lib-Dem activist, whilst in medieval stocks receiving a face-full of fruit, “We just feel that even though it’s only five names, if Farage shouts them loud enough and nails his impressions, he could still win.”

Both the Conservative and the Labour party have expressed complete ambivalence to the whole situation, with one Home Secretary (who wished to remain anonymous) suggesting that it was “as inconsequential as Stoke v West Brom when Man City v Chelsea is on the other channel”. 

Farage's impression of a Frenchman is yet to be perfected.

NIGEL FARAGE LOOKS TO FORM EU ALTERNATIVE ‘EUWAT?’

Nigel Farage has used his wave of dubiously acquired popularity to announce another measure which he hopes will attract more disaffected voters. Farage has outlined plans to form a breakaway group of EU states, for governments in Europe that share UKIP’s mind-set of xenophobia and irrational hatred of unthreatening minorities. The UKIP leader hopes to establish the European Union of Wankers, Assholes and Twats, or ‘EUWAT?’ for short (Farage claims the question mark has been added for aggressive emphasis). 

As with most of his back-of-a-fag-packet policies, rival politicians have responded with a mixture of disbelief and disgust, alongside complete ignorance of it even happening.

“You what?” said a Tory spokesman for Europe, “Oh ‘EUWAT?’. No, we don’t give a shit about that. Unless… if we give a shit about it, can we cut more welfare spending? We can’t? Oh ok, yeah we don’t give a shit about it then.”

Farage has batted away his rival’s attempt to trivialise his plans, saying the faux-dismissive nature of their statements belies a genuine fear of the right-wing party, which continues to grow like a virulent colonic fungus that is hideously out of control.

“I don’t care if everyone says my ideas are bullshit! It’s because they are scared!” said Farage at a press-conference, which was hosted in an East-End pub alongside a cockfight, “And besides, if I get elected we won’t be using my ideas anyway. I’m going to buy all my policy online from some bloke on Gumtree! Then I can be free to wave goodbye to the immigrants when they leave!”

Farage hears a puerile joke about the late Nelson Mandela.