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MISSOURI SENATE CANDIDATE TODD AKIN TO LEARN ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Missouri Senate candidate, Todd Akin, is at the centre of a political firestorm with denunciations and criticism scalding him from all quarters; following his bewilderingly stupid and incendiary remarks regarding rape, made earlier this week.

Akin, appearing in a Fox News interview, claimed that pregnancy ‘rarely’ occurs in incidences of rape; mostly owing to the ability of a woman’s body to ‘shut-down’ its reproductive capability when confronted with a ‘legitimate’ rapist. The comments quickly made Akin the subject of opprobrium from Democrats and members of the GOP alike; with Presidential candidate Mitt Romney immediately distancing himself from Akin, claiming that “The only Todd I know, is Todd Carty, who played the notorious rogue Tucker Jenkins in British teen-drama, Grange Hill.”

However, Akin was fortunate enough to receive sympathy from one group of people: the Surrogate Fathers of America, the charity that offers fathering and ‘buddy’ services to fatherless or orphaned children. In a statement released yesterday, the SFA have suggested that Akin’s remarks clearly show that his own father neglected to discuss ‘the birds and the bees’ with him, which has slowly but surely lead him to make such uninformed remarks.

“It’s about time that one of our Dads sat down with Todd, and had the talk,” said an SFA spokesman, “As his own father is long gone, we are happy to take on the task. After all, Toddy is a big boy now, running for the Senate and all.”

It has also been suggested that Akin would benefit from other refresher courses run by the SFA, such as: ‘Fire – It’s pretty but darn hot!’, ‘Sticks, stones and naughty words’ and ‘Big boys don’t wet the bed!’

The spokesman went on to say that they felt Akin was being harshly treated, notwithstanding his espousal of such disgusting views. 

“Dumb kids say silly things all the time,” the spokesman said, “We just need to have some more patience with Toddy, he’s still learning!”

Err, or just don't vote them in...

THINGS GO FROM BAD TO WORSE FOR GEORGE OSBORNE

The publication of tax-receipt figures by the treasury this week has signalled another body blow for George Osborne’s flagging economic policy. The figures showed a shock unexpected decline in corporate tax revenue, resulting in a need for an upward revision in public-sector net borrowing. The latest depressing revelation - which follows the publication of growth figures indicating a surprising contraction in the nations’ economic fortunes as well as employment figures which pointed to a rise in long-term unemployment – has caused many analysts to wonder, if things can really get any worse for Osborne.

However, as Osborne went into the House of Commons bar last night, thinking he had reached the bottom of the trough with no possibility of things getting any worse – his life hit a new low as he discovered he had sat on some chewing-gum.  

A loud yelp was then heard from the House of Commons Bar, as an an unnamed Bar employee explained.

“It was no surprise to see George come in for his usual pineapple Bicardi Breezer, particularly after the rough time he’s been going through,” the barman said, “When he let out a huge scream, we rushed over to see what was the matter.”

It was then that a sobbing Osborne was discovered clumsily trying to pick off elasticated strings of chewing gum from the seat of his trousers, mumbling to himself that “this was the last bloody straw”.

“He was pretty much inconsolable,” said the barman, “he spent the rest of the evening in a fort he constructed under a table in the bar – poor fella was so upset.”

It has been rumoured that the chewing gum was placed deliberately on the bar seat, as Osborne (being the consummate Conservative) rarely likes to sit anywhere other than his favourite seat. Employees at the House of Commons bar have suggested that this stubbornness and predictability have made him an easy target for mischievous opposition MPs. Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls was spotted outside the Commons Bar laughing hysterically, clutching his stomach to ease the pain of the hilarity he was experiencing.

“I’m not saying it was him,” the barman said, “But if you saw the colour of the chewing gum, and the amount of skanky spit that was all over it, you’d have to say Balls is a prime suspect.”

Osborne despairing - before also discovering he has wiped bird-shit on his forehead.