FEARS OF CLAIRE BALDING’S IMMINENT WORLD DOMINATION GRADUALLY SUBSIDE

The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.

SITUATION IN GREECE IS MORE FUCKED-UP THAN A PUPPYDOG MASSACRE

With tragedy, farce, lies, delusion, masochism and sheer folly, the situation in Greece has all the ingredients of a complete fuck pie. Whether Greece stays in the Euro but has to sacrifice ninety percent of its economy to do so, or whether it leaves the Euro in an orgy of self-harm and sacrifices ninety percent of its economy in the process, there are no winners in what is widely being touted as the most fucked-up situation in recent memory.

“We have a situation where, if justice is done, Greece will be decimated,” said Shitibank analyst, Ima Jerkov, “However we also have a situation where, if justice isn’t done, Greece will be decimated. It’s totes fucked-up.”

The views of the public across the EU appear to reflect this total fuckfest of a predicament. In a recent poll commissioned by Angela Merkel’s advisors, Rowswivkranks and Buildemfirm, 85% of Europeans felt “Greece should be helped in its hour of need”. However, 90% of the same Europeans also felt “Greece could fuck off if it thinks I’m going to pay for it.”

In Westminster, Tory Treasury spokesman, Nigel Crotchwisker, said there was no obvious solution to Greece’s predicament:

“This shows the weakness of the European project as there is no way of resolving Greece’s inability to pay its debts to its European partners,” said Crotchwisker, whilst browsing online for holiday villas in Crete, “I mean sure, we could give them money, but come on, would you want to give someone money who retired when they were 35?"

More fucked-up than this guy's face.