SPORTS NEWS ROUND-UP

Rio Olympic Committee look to IKEA for answers– The beleaguered Olympic Committee have sought the help of Swedish flat pack shoe rack champions IKEA, in attempt to find a quick fix to bring the frighteningly-behind building plans back from the brink. With only ten percent of the scheduled building works completed, Rio officials hope IKEA’s flat pack magic can conjure a answer to their prayers, with enquiries made about purchasing a flat pack stadium, velodrome, aquatic centre and athlete's village.

Manchester United consider Nigel Farage for the manager’s position – With shareholders at the club expecting fan numbers to drop by up to 98 percent if current form continues, the board is apparently considering “every populist strategy that you could ever conceive” in a desperate attempt to win back morsels of public affection. One United insider commented, “It’s just about getting bums on seats. Nigel does that these days… even if he is a bit of a twat.”

Kevin Pietersen prays for Sri Lankan win at temple in New Delhi – After failing to score runs on the pitch for much of this year’s IPL, Pietersen is at least making some use of his time in India, after he reportedly said a prayer for Sri Lanka at a temple on the outskirts of New Delhi. So eager was Pietersen to pray for a Sri Lanka win in the upcoming one-day and test series with his former side England, he is reported to have asked a taxi driver to take him to the nearest available temple. “He said he didn’t care about the religion, it just had to be old, and holy,” said Taxi driver, Sanju Gulmachi, “I couldn’t find a temple or a mosque so I took him to a nice restaurant and he prayed in front of the Ganesh statue in the foyer. Then he had a butter chicken with two pieces of naan.”

Barry loves Sumo because of the way it makes him feel.

Secret government report slams the chances of English Sumo -wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup – Following the leaked government document which scoffed at England’s chances in the upcoming football World Cup, another stolen memorandum has comprehensively slammed the chances of English Sumo-wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup in Frankfurt. But the English Sumo community has been oddly quiet in response to the government’s grim assessment of their chances. One unnamed insider did comment: “It’s because we are shit, everyone already knows this. We’re English Sumo wrestlers for f**ks sake.”