PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....

TORIES BAN EVERY SINGLE SUBSTANCE AVAILABLE TO MANKIND APART FROM TOBACCO, ALCOHOL AND CAFFEINE

In an attempt to crack down on so-called ‘legal highs’, the Tories have imposed a blanket ban on all ‘psychoactive substances’ except the psychoactive substances that Tories actually use and enjoy. The Psychoactive Substance Act will ban all chemicals and substances with psychoactive properties, with exceptions for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, as all are categorised as food or medicinal products. 

There are also other exceptions for other Tory psychoactive favourites, including mouldy Gentleman’s Relish and the odd pop of nose-candy.

“Every week two more ‘legal highs’ are discovered somewhere in Europe at one of those blasted hippy-do raves,” said government drugs spokesman, Nev Agotlean, “It’s about time someone put a stop to all of those stinky, probably Labour, hippies spinning out on weird crap we don’t understand. 

They are only allowed to spin out on stuff that we like – like brandy shots in the eye and the odd cigarillo!”

Some head-shop owners are intensely scrutinising the new Act looking for loopholes that may allow them to continue selling their now illegal ‘legal highs’.

“We’ve already started doing popper sandwiches and a salvia casserole,” said head-shop owner, AG Hippitoff, “We are thinking about offering nitrous oxide therapy, as a way of utilising its medicinal potential, but we’re not sure about it yet man.”

The Psychoactive Act has prescribed strict penalties for those caught in possession of any substance it regards as prohibited. The potential of a seven year custodial sentence means possession of a ‘legal high’ may now be worse than possession of an illegal drug, which most believe will confuse Police and give them just another reason to harass ethnic minorities.

Crap looking packaging is sadly still legal.

CORRUPT ORGANISATION RE-ELECTS CORRUPT LEADER WHO IS SET TO DEFEND ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION

In the latest electoral disaster that has brought into question the very point of voting, scandal-ridden corruption-fest FIFA has bizarrely decided to re-elect President Sepp Blatter, in a move that some observers have described as “akin to grievous self-harm”.  Naturally, there are allegations of corruption in the election, which took place against a background of corruption allegations, against an organisation that many believe is corrupt and is headed by a man that even his mother thought was corrupt.

Blatter was understandably delighted at this latest display of his Stalinist grip on power, declaring to a rapturous crowd in Geneva: “I am your God!”

The US Department of Justice is said to be less than pleased with the result, with one unnamed investigator saying that US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, was heard screaming “What the fuck?!” when she was told the result.

“She just couldn’t believe it,” said the DOJ spokesman, “I mean he used corruption to get re-elected so he can defend allegations of corruption. He’s basically telling us to fuck ourselves.”

FA representative, Greg Dyke, was disappointed at the result, which he believes was a missed opportunity to reform the rotten organisation.

“I mean, with all them African countries in there we was never gonna win was we?” said Dyke, blithely munching on a Ginster’s pasty, “I mean what’s the bloody point of an election if everyone gets a vote? You end up with some cu…”

Blatter models himself on another of history's most amoral leaders.