TORIES BAN EVERY SINGLE SUBSTANCE AVAILABLE TO MANKIND APART FROM TOBACCO, ALCOHOL AND CAFFEINE

In an attempt to crack down on so-called ‘legal highs’, the Tories have imposed a blanket ban on all ‘psychoactive substances’ except the psychoactive substances that Tories actually use and enjoy. The Psychoactive Substance Act will ban all chemicals and substances with psychoactive properties, with exceptions for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, as all are categorised as food or medicinal products. 

There are also other exceptions for other Tory psychoactive favourites, including mouldy Gentleman’s Relish and the odd pop of nose-candy.

“Every week two more ‘legal highs’ are discovered somewhere in Europe at one of those blasted hippy-do raves,” said government drugs spokesman, Nev Agotlean, “It’s about time someone put a stop to all of those stinky, probably Labour, hippies spinning out on weird crap we don’t understand. 

They are only allowed to spin out on stuff that we like – like brandy shots in the eye and the odd cigarillo!”

Some head-shop owners are intensely scrutinising the new Act looking for loopholes that may allow them to continue selling their now illegal ‘legal highs’.

“We’ve already started doing popper sandwiches and a salvia casserole,” said head-shop owner, AG Hippitoff, “We are thinking about offering nitrous oxide therapy, as a way of utilising its medicinal potential, but we’re not sure about it yet man.”

The Psychoactive Act has prescribed strict penalties for those caught in possession of any substance it regards as prohibited. The potential of a seven year custodial sentence means possession of a ‘legal high’ may now be worse than possession of an illegal drug, which most believe will confuse Police and give them just another reason to harass ethnic minorities.

Crap looking packaging is sadly still legal.