MAGICIAN ARRESTED FOR IMPREGNATING MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE

The magic world’s latest phenomenon, Dynamo, was arrested at Bishopsgate Police Station in London on Tuesday. Dynamo was charged under section 23 of the Rascal Act, for the crime of impregnating women without their knowledge or consent.

The Bradford born magician has wowed street audiences the world over with his understated personality and unmatched ability to place large objects inside small places without anyone’s knowledge or consent. However, in the last few weeks several female members of the public have come forward saying that Dynamo has in fact impregnated them, without their knowledge or consent.
One victim described how she met Dynamo on the street as he was performing a magic trick for members of the public.

“He had just finished pulling a playing card out of this woman’s eye and then he turned to me,” said the victim. She explained how Dynamo fixed his gaze upon her and placed his hands near her stomach.

“He had his hands flat and they were near my stomach, then he just kept them there and stared at me.”

It was then that Dynamo began asking whether she could feel his hands getting hot; and to her astonishment, his hands were smouldering. Then quick as a flash, Dynamo retracted his hands, turned and walked away, glancing over his shoulder to say:

“You’re preggers love.”

A day later the victim discovered she was indeed pregnant - much to the horror of her husband. She immediately reported the case to the Police and was shocked to discover that she was but one of many similar cases. Dynamo is alleged to have repeated this pernicious trick several times at various locations across the country. Disconcertingly, he is said to have performed the trick a number of times in Newcastle - which has created a unique set of problems, as one local Police sergeant conceded:

“Girls are pretty loose round here,” the sergeant explained, “they would have trouble isolating one particular pregnancy that took place without their knowledge, so it makes it pretty difficult for us.”

It is no doubt that Dynamo’s apprehension by the Police represents a huge decrease in the threat faced by members of the public. However the case remains open, as residents in Newcastle have been asked to stay vigilant over the next few years for the arrival of toddlers with suspiciously large blue-eyes - which may lead to further charges being brought against Dynamo.

CONFLICTING UNEMPLOYMENT FIGURES CAUSE CELEBRATION AND DEATH IN WESTMINSTER

Conflicting unemployment figures released yesterday – showing a rise in long term unemployment but a fall in overall unemployment – caused confusion across Westminster, with tragic results.

Employment minister Chris Gaping was ecstatic at the news of falling overall unemployment, but seemingly oblivious to the long-term outlook. He was seen revelling raucously in the House of Commons bar, cavorting with Tory temptress Louise Hench. After downing a shot of Sambuca – and with a lit cigarette in hand – Gaping expressed his delight at the latest unemployment figures.

“I’m fucking loving it mate, we’ve cut every public service in half, but because of these shitty Olympics the last government secured – we’re smashing up the unemployment figures!” he said, as he cheekily smacked Ms. Hench’s rear, “I’m not sure what’s going to happen after the Olympics though, my deputy deals with that.”

Gaping’s Deputy Charles Chester had been charged with the task of presenting the long-term prognosis to the cabinet later in the week. Sadly, following publication of the long-term unemployment figures, Chester was found to have hung himself in his office - suspended from the ceiling by his tie and clutching a copy of the figures in his hand. Mr. Chester’s secretary, Susan Frump, expressed her shock at his death and explained how the tragic events unfolded.

“I went in yesterday to give him the long-term unemployment figures,” said Ms. Frump, “I came back a short while later and he had hung himself!”

Ms. Frump stated that she thought it was odd Mr. Chester had hung himself, given how happy Mr. Gaping seemed to be. Ms. Frump then went on to explain that the issuing of figures that provide such conflicting messages was bound to have confusing and sometimes tragic consequences.

“I don’t see why they had to say anything really,” she mused, casually removing Mr. Chester’s belongings from his desk, “now I have to plan a celebration dinner and a funeral.”

SHOCK REVELATION AT PRESS INQUIRY AS LEVESON ADMITS HE CAN’T BE ARSED ANYMORE

Midway through its nine hundred and eighty forth day, the Leveson Inquiry saw its biggest challenge yet, as Lord Leveson himself admitted, he really couldn’t be arsed with it anymore.

Following the release and examination of another damning piece of evidence against the tabloid press, Lord Leveson shocked onlookers as he interrupted Robert Jay QC to say:

“Oh for fucks sake, I can’t be arsed with this shit anymore.”

The normally cool and calculated Jay was clearly taken aback; but with faultless professionalism he remained within court etiquette and politely enquired as to the reason for the Lord’s revelation.

“Because we know everyone is guilty, you don’t have to go on and on!” Leveson boomed, smacking his forehead, “Wouldn’t it just be quicker to send everyone to jail? We could be done in a matter of days. Summary justice exists for a reason doesn’t it?”

Leveson then stormed out of the room amidst a chorus of gasps, leaving a trail of scattered papers in his wake. As he opened the door to leave he turned back and said:

“You lot piss me off. All of you.”

Members of the inquiry, lawyers and visiting members of the press were left guessing as to Leveson’s sudden change of heart; though speculation was rife. Many reasons were suggested; from disillusion at the failure of the enquiry to bring about real change in the press - to the health of Lord Leveson himself. One explanation however, seemed to have the largest number of subscribers.

“When he first opened the inquiry in November, he thought it would all be over by now,” said one lawyer, a concerned look gripping her face, “as I understand it he has tickets for the 100m final and he doesn’t want to miss it.” She then nodded solemnly as she confessed: “He just loves Usain Bolt.”

BRITISH BANKING ASSOCIATION TO REPLACE ‘GENTLEMAN’S CLUB’ LIBOR SETTING ARRANGEMENT WITH DAILY LOTTERY

In the wake of the Libor fixing scandal, the British Banking Association (‘BBA’) has been compelled to seek a new way of generating its daily inter-bank lending rate. The BBA previously presided over a system where banks themselves would convene at the Velvet Pussy Lounge for daily cigars and brandy; and submit what they felt the lending rate should be - based on their own assessment of their balance sheets.  However, news that banks have been manipulating this system has led to calls for widespread changes; with the BBA now saying that the daily Libor rates will instead be decided by a daily lottery.

“We intend to randomly select the numbers comprising the Libor rate,” said Mark Stark of the BBA, “I know someone with an old bingo machine, so we can probably use that.”

When questioned as to why a lottery method was to be used, Stark’s response was stark:

“It’s the only way we can guarantee that the banks won’t try and cheat the system for their own benefit,” he grimaced, adding “the macro-economic turmoil that this may cause is a small price to pay.”

It has been rumoured that Dale Winton will host the daily lottery, which will be televised every morning live on BBC Breakfast. The Director-General of the BBC is viewing the policy change positively:

“We are looking at this as a very exciting opportunity,” he said, “particularly for Dale, as everyone knows he is a world-class lottery presenter and an avid day-trader in the commodities market.”

The banks’ reception of the news has been luke-warm; with some believing that the system will not last, and others feeling even if it does – someone will soon find a way of cheating it.

We questioned an unnamed trader from an investment bank in London about his feelings on the policy change, to which he replied:

“Shine my shoe you c***********nt!”

TWITTER RACIST JAILED FOR CALLING FOOTBALLER A ‘BUM FACE’

In a turbulent day at the Thames Magistrates Court in London, racist Twitter user Enoch Jowell was handed down a six-month custodial sentence for repeatedly calling Chelsea defender, Ashley Cole, a ‘bum face’.

Jowell, a sheet metal-worker from West Bromwich, ‘tweeted’ Mr Cole on more than twenty occasions calling him a ‘bum face.’ Mr Cole is understood to have been so distraught by the campaign of harassment; he was barely able to commit any marital infidelities during this time.

Lord Justice Curmutheonley-Stein  described Jowell’s actions as “a disgusting outburst of racist vitriol”. He added: “you have clearly and with due calculation, sought to undermine Mr Cole’s confidence with your use of such slurs, which were undoubtedly of a racial dimension.”

Jowell was unavailable for comment, but colleagues at the sheet-metal plant in West Bromwich where he was formerly employed, spoke at length about Mr Jowell’s character.

“We always suspected he was a violent racist,” one colleague said, removing his flat cap as a sign of respect to Cole, “he’s always eating white bread, drinks white coffee whilst he wears a white shirt – it’s too obvious.”

Mr Cole, speaking after the hearing, was in a triumphant mood:

 “I have always said that calling me a bum face, or a twat face, or a dick face or anything else to do with my face, is just plain racist,” he said, as he groped his way through a bevy of underage girls, “Just stick to talking about football – unless you say I’m shit, in which case you’re probably racist.”

ANOTHER LONDON MUSIC FESTIVAL IS CANCELLED AS TEN THOUSAND PEOPLE TURN UP TO WATCH JAY-Z IN THE BACK OF A TRANSIT VAN

The Cloc Festival - due to take place last weekend - was cancelled amidst growing fears that the chosen venue was to be the subject of unacceptable levels of over-crowding. The Cloc Festival sold nearly ten thousand tickets to eager punters, who were desperate to see Jay-Z in his first London performance for a number of years. Sadly, the back of the Ford Transit Van that was due to stage the event proved to be far too small for the number of attendees.

“Well we knew the Transit was a roomy vehicle, arguably the most spacious in its class,” said one disgruntled festival goer, “they just sold too many tickets.”

Jay-Z was reported to be very disappointed, and offered the usage of his Escalade as an additional venue, only to immediately retract the offer upon hearing festival organisers were planning on diverting two thousand people to it.

“I just think they thought everyone would be way smaller, like Asians and shit,” Mr. Z said, “they really miscalculated.”

OLYMPICS SPARK NEW MIGRATION FEARS

The arrival of teams of athletes from many third world countries for the Olympic Games in London has sparked new migration fears, one Home Office spokesman has said.

“Normally Olympic hosting nations have to plan for the possibility that athletes from poorer nations will abscond from their teams and enter their hosting country illegally,” the spokesman said, as he negligently left a pen-drive of public data on a restaurant table.

“This time the problem is a bit different, we are worried that many Londoners will be trying to abscond from their British lives and jobs, and seek a new life in Africa or Asia.”

The attraction to abscond is clear for all to see, with many Londoners no doubt being lured by the hot weather, falling unemployment and rising growth rates in African and Asian countries.

We spoke to a member of the Kenyan track team who explained that prior to their arrival in London last-week, they were briefed as to the situation in London.

“We were told to look out for Londoners trying to sneak back with us to Kenya,” said Helen Kiptanui, “We heard the roads are falling apart, the trains don’t work, everyone is corrupt – I’m not surprised people are trying to leave.”

Over-hearing the conversation, Helen’s team captain waded into the discussion, saying:

“Also, we heard if we are not careful we could get looted in a riot!” she said, with no sense of irony, “and the Police will stand fifty metres away and just watch. This is stupid because no one in the Olympics runs fifty metres… it’s like they don’t even care about the Olympics.”

GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER TO REPLACE ALL FORMS OF DIALECTIC WITH POINTLESS DIAGRAMS

The Guardian Newspaper’s editor, Alan Rusbridger, has vowed to replace all dialectics and other previously ‘worded’ arguments with pointless, but ‘really cool’ diagrams. His pledge builds on the newspaper’s growing tendency to move away from paid, qualified journalists; and more towards un-paid, uneducated – and in most cases, underage – bloggers and tweeters.

Responding to the criticism that this over-employment of under-qualified (or unqualified) staff results in poor journalism, Rusbridger was defiant:

“One thing we aren’t doing is….errr….dumbing….err….down,” he said, as he finished another round of Angry Birds on his I-Pad with its custom-made denim sleeve.

Speaking at a media seminar given by the Press Association in London, Rusbridger was eager to showcase his new diagrammatic form of journalism.

“Most people sought to explain the banking crisis with references to complicated macro-Economics and the like,” said Rusbridger, high-fiving a black teenager next to the podium, “what we did, was conduct searches over Facebook and other social media platforms for the use of the word ‘banking’. We then plotted on an interactive map where each of the tweeters or posters was from.”

Rusbridger was then subjected to some probative questioning from a disgruntled five-year old who had been forced to attend the conference with his father.

“What’s the point of that diagram though?” said the young boy, a look of haughtiness well-worn on his face.

“There is no point!” replied a confused looking Rusbridger, “It looks cool though. I mean….it looks dope…man”

The Telegraph is rumoured to be investigating allegations that the graphic designers used to create these pointless diagrams - like their journalistic colleagues – are also unpaid. The Guardian declined to comment on this, or on the rumours that Guardian sub-editors are wandering around Shoreditch offering £10 bags of weed to anyone 'who can make things look cool on Photoshop'.

PUBLICATION OF NATIONAL CENSUS REVEALS STARTLING DISCOVERY

The publication of the National Census on 16 July sent shockwaves through Westminster and throughout the country as the public - and policymakers alike - grappled with a startling discovery: the higher the number of people that live here, the higher the population.

Leading Home Office mandarins have been spending long hours poring over data, looking to discover exactly how so many civil servants – as well as senior members of the cabinet – were blind-sided by the issue.

“The thing is, there are so many zeros in numbers after like, a million, it’s just a bit hard to read,” said one bleary eyed Home-Office mandarin, “besides, everyone here figured that this was someone else’s problem….like most things really.”

When questioned on why this was a surprise, the Home Office mandarin provided an answer which echoed the view of many senior Cabinet ministers:

“We knew that public services were over-stretched, that transport was over-crowded as were the estates of our inner-cities,” he said, “most of us thought this was because the country itself was getting smaller – what with global warming and all – not that we had more people. Unbelievable.”

Asked on whether or not this new information was going to affect coalition policy going forward, a senior Tory representative replied with some glee:

“I guess we can cut even more now can’t we? Or less? Or is it more, but slower….or quicker?” he said from astride his horse, “Oh well, tally pip and wat ho.”

We sought to question more senior members of the Cabinet but all have declined to comment further, suggesting that the Tory representative “summed up everyone’s feelings to a tee.”

G4S BOSS TO BE QUESTIONED BY MPS ABOUT OLYMPIC SECURITY…. MPS TO THEN QUESTION EACH OTHER ABOUT G4S

G4S Boss Nick Buckles faces questions from MPs about the shambolic arrangements regarding Olympic security, which left the military having to meet a short-fall of thousands of security staff with recently deployed soldiers. MPs are then set to question each other; to ascertain exactly which idiot hired these morons in the first place.

Home Secretary Teresa May was adamant that G4S would be brought to task for their failure to adequately provide security for Olympic venues around the country. She was also adamant that whoever hired them would also be brought to task, and be made to sit through every event of the Paralympics as a ‘twitter correspondent’ for the Guardian Newspaper.

“The punishment has to fit the crime,” a furious May said, “personally, I can’t think of anything worse than having to sit around watching a bunch of retards and then having to pretend to love them in a lefty way.”

Shadow Olympics minister Tessa Jowell, took a different approach to her counterpart, stressing the importance of the questions to Nick Buckles himself, rather than a subsequent Parliamentary post-mortem.

“We are more concerned with asking G4S the right questions,” Jowell said, puffing hard on a Lambert & Butler, “specifically, we wanted caucus sessions with Buckle, so we can ensure he doesn’t let anyone know that we hired them when we were in government…..you’re not recording this are you?”

Buckles faces further problems as out of the ten G4S staff hired to transport him to Westminster for questioning; all but two have called in sick. To date, there has been no request for the army to meet the shortfall in numbers.  

OUTPOURING OF SYMPATHY FOR CHRIS MOYLES AS HIS WILLINGNESS TO BE AN ARSEHOLE IS FINALLY EXPLAINED

There was a widespread outpouring of sympathy at the BBC for out-going Radio 1 breakfast show presenter, Chris Moyles.

Moyles had become renowned for his churlish and cowardly bullying of members of the public and fellow colleagues at the BBC. Since 1997, staff at the Beeb had wondered as to the true genesis of his abrasive and odious personality, with one previous Director General musing: “He’s far too fat and ugly to be that confident.”   

However, the true source of Moyles’ arseholery was dramatically revealed on his last day as Breakfast Show host - following his cruel initiation of succeeding presenter, Nick Grimshaw.

Delirious with happiness from his latest mind-bogglingly inane prank, Moyles was giggling as he entered the bathroom upon conclusion of his radio show.

“He was chuckling to himself like a madman,” said one colleague, “he was like the cat that got the cream….and the cheese, and the cake, and the roast chicken with full trimmings.”

In fact, Mr Moyles was so distracted; he absent-mindedly neglected to use his usual private wide-berth toilet 

cubicle, and lined up next to unsuspecting members of staff at the urinals.

It was then that he unfurled, what one member of staff (who wishes to remain anonymous) stated was: “The smallest penis I have ever seen…and my son has gerbils.”

Radio One Researcher, Andy Anderson explained how the real reason for Moyles’ persistent bullying and pranking had suddenly come to the fore.

“We had always wondered why he was such a c***,” said Anderson, “but now we know he’s hung like a squirrel in the cold, maybe he wasn’t a c***, all along he was just over-compensating for an acorn-sized penis.”

Moyles has been inundated with well-wishes and sympathetic messages from understanding colleagues and fans alike. The society for the protection of men with small penises - Size Doesn’t Matter- has issued a statement in support of Moyles.

“We at Size Doesn’t Matter have long since suspected the possibility that Mr. Moyles should be a member of our society,” a masked and unnamed spokesman said,

“Now he has come out of the small-penis-closet, we would like to extend an invitation to Mr Moyles to join us as a full member, free of charge.”

He closed by saying:  “We urge the public to over-look his obvious physical short comings,” adding, “after all, some things are just too obvious to take the piss out of.”   

PIGS PLAN MAIDEN FLIGHT AS PARLIAMENT PASSES SECOND READING OF HOUSE OF LORDS REFORM BILL

Delighted pigs across the country have been donning their flying goggles and gassing up their planes, as the second reading of the Lords reform bill was passed in the House of Commons last week. A leading pig pilot and member of ‘Ironic Pigs UK’ echoed the views of many of his colleagues:

“As everyone has been waiting for over a hundred years for reform to the House of Lords, people said if we do finally get a fully-elected upper house – pigs will fly,” said Captain Bacon, “obviously, this has meant that us pigs were under a lot of pressure and had to stay ready for a number of years in preparation for this.”

Long stints of war and Tory government throughout the twentieth century nullified the chances of upper-house reform; and provided the pigs with ample time to acquire planes and equipment in preparation for their 

maiden ironic-flight.

“Now that the House of Lords may reform, it’s time for us to fly,” said a delighted Captain Bacon, “we’re ecstatic; but we’re not counting our chickens just yet.”

Captain Bacon went on to describe how when the Liberal Democrats entered into the coalition government in 2010, battalions of pigs across the country were put on high alert - also known as ‘pink alert’ – indicating that House of Lords reform (and the maiden ironic flight of pigs) was inevitable. However, successive constitutional cave-ins by the Lib Dems seemed to have irreparably damaged that possibility, leaving legions of disaffected pigs both disillusioned and disappointed.

It was reported that some pigs - desperate for a chance to fly ironically - had left the UK for Egypt, hoping for a first-time flight in the event that women in a Muslim country were to be given the same rights as men. Sadly, the recent election of the Muslim Brotherhood saw this dream die and many disappointed pigs returning home; curly tails between their short legs.