ZEITguide…

Hosting an international sporting event...

Hosting international sporting events in countries that seem fundamentally unsuitable for them appears to be a growing trend amongst avaricious and bung-loving global sporting administrators. Gone are the days when the suitability of a country’s human rights record or even its climate was considered to be a key factor in deciding whether to award the hosting privileges of the Olympics or the FIFA World Cup. Now the only thing that matters is the fatness of the wad shoved into the back pockets of corrupt administrators as they are courted by unsavoury governments the world over. Oh well, what to do? ZEITguide has decided to take a look at what makes a great international sporting event...

1.       Mystifyingly lavish expenditure on one particular item – Sochi 2014 has outdone several of its past competitors on this front, spending mind-boggling amounts on several items. From the nightmare-inducing giant animatronic teddy bears of the opening ceremony, to the biggest flat screen television the world has ever seen – Sochi 2014 has spent more money on hosting than all the previous Winter Olympics combined. Perhaps the most lavish item is the $8 billion Polyana Highway (with most of the money ending up in the mink-lined pocket of an oligarch), which one Russian commentator suggested would have been cheaper to build had it been paved with gold or caviar. It does have a pretty nice petrol station on it though.

2.       Completely unsustainable finance arrangement – Whilst Sochi’s eye-watering expenditure is to be sustained by unusually high oil prices and a nationwide policy of investing zero Rubles in Russia’s under-privileged, other countries haven’t been able to rely on a wealth of natural resources or a penchant for despotism to fund their profligacy. The $1.5 billion spent on the Montreal Olympics in 1976 was only paid off by the Quebec state government in 2006, and the debt incurred by the Greek government in hosting Athens 2004 helped create a sovereign debt crisis that continues to tear the country to shreds even today. Sadly for the Canadians and the Greeks, they had neither oil, nor Putin.

3.       Ah Human rights, human schmites! – From as long ago as the Berlin Olympics of 1936, international sporting event organisers have chosen to casually overlook a nation’s domestic human rights record, in favour of finding the best, most shiny place to host a big party. The FIFA World Cup in Qatar is the latest selection to follow this trend, with studies showing that in certain parts of Doha, grains of sand have a greater entitlement to human rights than the South-Asian workers currently constructing the stadiums.

A quick look at the Athens 2004 stadium today suggests it wasn't a wise investment.

ZEITguide…

What makes the perfect Attack Ad…

US TV channels are awash with a campaign of ill-conceived but extremely expensive attack ads, paid for by the National Rifle Association. The NRA hopes to make a lethal assault in its latest battle with common logic, as it wrangles with that most hideous of foe: the idea that civilians shouldn’t possess military weapons.  When confronting seemingly irrefutable logic, the most potent weapon in the hands of the moron in 2013 is the well-produced attack ad. When facts don’t help, just shout louder! ZEITguide takes a look at what makes the perfect logic-busting attack ad…

Sexy Graphics:
Possibly the most persuasive tool in the fight with reason is undoubtedly the use of mind-bogglingly-irrelevant but irresistibly-sexy graphics.  The NRA have outdone themselves with their recent effort, confirming the assertion that the use of sinister silhouettes should be actively encouraged.

Judicious use of the ‘boom’ sound effect:
The fact that a resonant ‘boom’ sound effect is a pre-requisite to all good attack ads is beyond discussion; it is nearly impossible to make impactful statements of a wildly illogical nature without them. The issue is the level of usage: too little and your ad risks resembling a tawdry attempt at slam poetry; too much and you ad’s soundtrack strays dangerously close to the realms of house music. Extremely ill-advised.

Pointless but effective comparisons:
Don’t dwell on the fact that there may be distinguishable differences between the President of the USA and a man working in Starbucks, or the entire population of Ecuador and a cat – if it’s going to make a statement, make that comparison!

End with a militaristic slogan:

The NRA have used ‘Stand up and fight!’ in their latest effort, which given the armed nature of their target demographic, is as relevant as it is exhortative. Notable successes from other organisations in the past are: ‘Put up or shut-up!’, ‘We shall overcome!’, ‘No surrender!’ and ‘Go fuck yourself!’

Attack ads can be the face of an organisation if required.

  

ZEITguide…  

How to be a Republican Presidential Candidate.

With the Republican National Convention taking place last week in Tampa, in the Southern State of Florida, Zeitlies looks at what it takes to make the ideal Republican presidential candidate…

1.      A mind-blowingly kempt haircut…
Romney and his running mate Paul Ryan have got this completely right. Not even Hurricane Isaac seemed to pose a threat to either of their well-cemented styles. To his credit, Bush Jnr’s hair was always in pretty good nick, the result – two consecutive terms in office. However, John McCain never had the follicle presence of other Republican candidates – meaning it was no surprise that the most vociferous support in his campaign was targeted at the voluminous hairdo of then-aspiring-bimbo Sarah Palin.

2.       Get yourself a weird religion…
Reagan implied it, Bush Jnr had it, and Romney has it in spades. Don’t hide your free-wheeling, polygamous, anti-science, anti-history, regressive buffoonery of a religion – let that bad boy out!

3.       You need a shady business past…
Here is where the Bush family set the gold standard, with erstwhile members brazenly profiting from the war deaths of millions in Europe, and ol’ Geo bankrupting every company he came within twenty metres of – even with his Harvard MBA! The Kennedy’s had sought to compete for the Democrats in this area in years gone by – a threat which has declined in recent years. But today’s Republicans can be pleased with Romney’s impressive business track record, as he has seemingly ticked all the requisite boxes. He has shown a ruthless and callous disregard for the welfare of his employees,  has been the beneficiary of questionable favouritism and shows a general disdain for business transparency and the tax inspector. The boy has done well!

4.       Don’t talk facts!

Republicans do not want to hear facts. They want to hear that ‘things are gonna be swell’ and that their government is ‘gonna kick some Commie ass!”. Diverting from this well established maxim can only end in disaster – a lesson which Romney-Ryan have already learnt!

Romney was soon informed that the GOP do not like limp wrists.