#ZEITbites

Politics

LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.

Sport

ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.

The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.

World

PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

METEOROLOGISTS DEMAND ‘SCARIER NAMES’ FOR HURRICANES IN ORDER TO SUFFICIENTLY WARN PUBLIC

As hurricane season swirls its way into the Caribbean and the Western seaboard of Mexico, meteorologists are demanding that hurricanes are given scarier names in order to sufficiently warn the public of the terror they actually bring.

“Right now we got Patricia,” said Fox News weatherman, Chet Thunder, “Who the heck is scared of anyone or anything called Patricia. You can’t expect the public to take that seriously. I mean look what happened with Katrina? You name a storm after a figure skater and no one gives a shit!”

A concerned group of weathermen and women have gathered across social media to collate a list of hurricane names they felt would be of a sufficiently threatening nature such that the public would likely take them seriously. This list includes, names like “Vladimir”, “Adolf”, “Ivan” and “Darth Vader”, though the name hurricane “Robin Thicke” was excluded from the list, with many feeling such a name would only be threatening to women who enjoyed consensual sex.

“Just imagine the impact it would have on the news if the anchor was yelling Adolf is coming!” said Thunder, “It’s exactly the kind of weather communication we need at Fox News.”

It doesn't even look like a 'Patricia'. 

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

FIVE TEST CRICKET CAREERS THAT WERE ANNOYINGLY CUT SHORT…

1.       Donald Bradman

The Don, the Big Man, Bradders (ok I made that nickname up, but it sounds good), is a cricketer that needs no introduction, but “bloke with nearly a hundred average” isn’t a bad place to start. Widely regarded as the greatest batsmen to play the game, he has an average that is the benchmark for all modern cricketers. But thanks to a lack of matches and a bloody world war, the little man from Cootamundra only played 52 tests. This is a fact that will constantly blight the Don’s otherwise astonishing batting average, but in a way which is utterly beyond his control!

2.       Vinod Kambli

It’s quite possible that many young cricket fans today won’t even know Vinod Kambli, but when he burst on to the scene against England in 1993, many were sure he was the next big thing. He was the other bloke who got more runs than Tendulkar in “that partnership” from school cricket, and in his third test match, he notched up a double hundred. He managed to repeat the feart in the very next game, but just thirteen matches later and Kambli’s test career was over in amidst a miasma of indiscipline and misapplication, leaving many Indian fans wondering what could have been…

3.       Marcus Trescothick

Ok, Trescothick played 76 test matches and ended up with a respectable average of over 43. But following a series of mental health issues and supposed marital problems (everyone knows the story about his wife…), the wonderfully explosive left-hander was forced into an early retirement from international cricket,  prematurely depriving the world of one of England’s most attractive batsman to watch in recent times.

4.       Greame Pollock

There are a number of Proteas players whose careers were truncated by the sporting boycott of apartheid South Africa, but Greame Pollock is arguably the greatest. He played the last of his 28 test matches against Australia in 1970, in a series that handed the Aussies their heaviest ever defeat. Pollock notched up a masterful 270 at Kingsmead, partnered by an equally explosive Barry Richards. The Proteas whitewashed the Aussies in the last series they would play in for over twenty years, and Pollock was reduced to playing county cricket - and the occasional rebel tour - for the rest of his career.

5.       Mohammed Amir

Even after the ban expires he’s still got years left in those legs, but boy was he plucked from the scene at his absolute prime. Part of the reason why the match fixing allegations in 2010 were so shocking, is that they concerned a young cricketer whose talent and ability had enthralled the cricket world. Here was an 18 year old kid who was swinging the ball with Wasim Akramian precision at ninety miles an hour, and he was only going to get better. Five years later and he is still to play another game…

6.       Jonathan Trott

Only kidding.

His career was too long, As was every one of his innings.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC LEFT DIZZY AFTER SMELLING A ‘VIRULENT FART’ ON COURT

World No. 1 and current Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic, was forced to stop his second round clash at the Rogers Cup in Montreal after catching a face-full of someone’s fart. Djokovic was visibly in discomfort and claimed he felt dizzy after catching a malevolent whiff of fart that had drifted on to Court No. 1.

“Can you smell that? It smells like boiled cabbage?” a teary eyed Djokovic complained to the line judge, “Somebody is farting, right here. It's unbelievable. It smells so bad I can’t concentrate.”

Djokovic’s opponent denied reports that he was seen eating a curry the night before, and offered to undergo testing to show he hadn’t farted at the time Djokovic broke down. The World No. 1 quickly recovered to win the match in straight sets, but rushed into his dressing room immediately upon the match’s conclusion to check if his eye brows had been singed.

In the press conference after the match, the Wimbledon Champion was more relaxed about the incident, but warned that controls need to be tightened to ensure such a thing didn’t happen again.

“They can’t expect us to play world class tennis when you are smelling farts and god knows what else,” said Djokovic, placing a needle into the kneecap of his Andy Murray doll, “I mean they got to stop all smells really, all sounds too. In fact, it’s about time that they just stopped letting people watch the games.” 

Djokovic is said to have seen his life flash before his eyes.

VIRGINIA POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY FAILS TO KILL BLACK PERSON WHEN SHOOTING HIM

A Virginia police officer inadvertently failed to kill an unarmed black civilian, when shooting him for a minor misdemeanour in Richmond last night. Officer Ray Sissed was reported to have shot unarmed black teenager, Demarkevius LaShawn Jackson-Thomas, following an altercation outside of a convenience store on the outskirts of Richmond.

“I saw the suspect leave the store with what looked like a can of soda in his hands,” said Officer Sissed, squirting a wad of soggy wad of tobacco from his mouth into a nearby spittoon, “I of course assumed that he stole that can of soda at gunpoint so I proceeded to try and apprehend the suspect. When he failed to respond to my whispered calls of ‘stop’, I pulled out my gun and started shooting.”

Sissed explained that inexplicably, he ignored all his previous training on how to shoot an unarmed black civilian, and shot LaShawn Jackson-Thomas in the leg thereby rendering him immobile and no longer a threat. When Sissed realised what he had done, he was said to have been inconsolable.

“When I realised I didn’t put six bullets in the back of his head for a crime he may or may not have committed, I knew it was time for me to take a break from policing,” said a tearful Sissed, “I just want to be able to protect and serve the right way. The American way.”

Richmond police officers await a black teenager alleged to have used the 'F word'.

FEARS OF CLAIRE BALDING’S IMMINENT WORLD DOMINATION GRADUALLY SUBSIDE

The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.

SITUATION IN GREECE IS MORE FUCKED-UP THAN A PUPPYDOG MASSACRE

With tragedy, farce, lies, delusion, masochism and sheer folly, the situation in Greece has all the ingredients of a complete fuck pie. Whether Greece stays in the Euro but has to sacrifice ninety percent of its economy to do so, or whether it leaves the Euro in an orgy of self-harm and sacrifices ninety percent of its economy in the process, there are no winners in what is widely being touted as the most fucked-up situation in recent memory.

“We have a situation where, if justice is done, Greece will be decimated,” said Shitibank analyst, Ima Jerkov, “However we also have a situation where, if justice isn’t done, Greece will be decimated. It’s totes fucked-up.”

The views of the public across the EU appear to reflect this total fuckfest of a predicament. In a recent poll commissioned by Angela Merkel’s advisors, Rowswivkranks and Buildemfirm, 85% of Europeans felt “Greece should be helped in its hour of need”. However, 90% of the same Europeans also felt “Greece could fuck off if it thinks I’m going to pay for it.”

In Westminster, Tory Treasury spokesman, Nigel Crotchwisker, said there was no obvious solution to Greece’s predicament:

“This shows the weakness of the European project as there is no way of resolving Greece’s inability to pay its debts to its European partners,” said Crotchwisker, whilst browsing online for holiday villas in Crete, “I mean sure, we could give them money, but come on, would you want to give someone money who retired when they were 35?"

More fucked-up than this guy's face.

PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....

CORRUPT ORGANISATION RE-ELECTS CORRUPT LEADER WHO IS SET TO DEFEND ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION

In the latest electoral disaster that has brought into question the very point of voting, scandal-ridden corruption-fest FIFA has bizarrely decided to re-elect President Sepp Blatter, in a move that some observers have described as “akin to grievous self-harm”.  Naturally, there are allegations of corruption in the election, which took place against a background of corruption allegations, against an organisation that many believe is corrupt and is headed by a man that even his mother thought was corrupt.

Blatter was understandably delighted at this latest display of his Stalinist grip on power, declaring to a rapturous crowd in Geneva: “I am your God!”

The US Department of Justice is said to be less than pleased with the result, with one unnamed investigator saying that US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, was heard screaming “What the fuck?!” when she was told the result.

“She just couldn’t believe it,” said the DOJ spokesman, “I mean he used corruption to get re-elected so he can defend allegations of corruption. He’s basically telling us to fuck ourselves.”

FA representative, Greg Dyke, was disappointed at the result, which he believes was a missed opportunity to reform the rotten organisation.

“I mean, with all them African countries in there we was never gonna win was we?” said Dyke, blithely munching on a Ginster’s pasty, “I mean what’s the bloody point of an election if everyone gets a vote? You end up with some cu…”

Blatter models himself on another of history's most amoral leaders.

SALMOND BUYS CROWN AND SCEPTRE AHEAD OF UP-COMING ELECTION

Six-months on from Salmond’s September secessionist hi-jinks, the SNP leader has finally come across another serendipitous circumstance that will unjustly increase his importance once again and understandably, he’s absolutely delighted. The up-coming election in the UK looks about as likely to form a majority government as Jeremy Clarkson is likely to convert to Islam, and Salmond will probably be gift-wrapped another chance to be king-maker and ball-grabbing power broker.

“Ah can’t fuckin wait, pal!” sputtered Salmond at a press conference, whilst gorging on a steaming mountain of Scotch eggs, “When the election results come in, I’ll be waitin’ for the call! And when I get it, Ah’m gonnae make ‘em beg! This time I’m asking for me own army! And they can put me face on the money, know what I mean pal?”

An SNP spokesman, Dougal McDougal, confirmed that Salmond has authorised the purchase of a sceptre and crown, which he believes will be indispensable to the performance of his duties as king-maker in the event that a coalition involving the SNP is formed.

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a king, rather than a king-maker, would wear a crown and hold a sceptre,” said a disgruntled McDougal, speaking strictly off the record, “But it’s gone to his head. I mean the other day he shouted ‘Off with his head!’ to the party treasurer, but no one said anything, everyone just pretended like he wasn’t an insane megalomaniac.”  

Unsurprisingly, Whitehall politicians have been grumbling their dissatisfaction at the possibility that Salmond’s influence may once again hang over them, like the floating pong of a nearby field that has been freshly manured.

“It’s a bloody ball-ache,” said Tory party member, Alistair Fetching-Jungespaus, “It’s like that time the Republic of Djibouti got the casting vote at the UN. Oh boy! Didn’t they lord it up! Just like Salmond is now…” 

Salmond checks out the latest YouGov Poll

BILL GATES COMES BOTTOM OF THE FORBES POOR LIST FOR THE 16^TH TIME

Microsoft founder and modern-day Croesus, Bill Gates, came bottom in Forbes magazine’s twentieth annual Poor List, making him the least poor man in the world for the 16^th time. The little known of but ever ubiquitous “Unnamed homeless woman in the developing world” topped the Forbes Poor List for the 20^th time in a row.

Gates was said to be delighted with his title as the world’s least poor man. The software sovereign beat off stiff competition from Mexican businessman and purveyor of hilarious names, Carlos Silm, and Spanish fashion magnate and part-time Gerald Ford impersonator, Amancio Ortega – both of whom have seen huge decreases to their poorness over the last twelve months.

Critics are using the list to highlight the ever increasing chasm of income disparity across the world.

“Soon, the least poor 1% will be less poor than the rest of the poorest 99% put together…” said Oxfam spokesman, Harriet Brown-Charriet, “I’m fairly sure that is the best way to present that fact.”

Gates however, has answered back at critics, citing the Gates Foundation as evidence of his philanthropic intent.

“My foundation is meant to bring hope and joy for everyone,” said Gates at a recent conference, “Except people using I-Macs. They can fuck off.”

Gates' exorbitant wealth paid for the only invisible bass guitar in the world.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Strauss-Kahn sex-tape found at Gary Glitter’s house –Sham-glam pram-slammer, Gary Glitter, found himself in more trouble this week after copies of a Strauss-Kahn sex-tape were found at his house (alongside his usual stash of child porn). Glitter claimed to ‘storing’ the tapes for Strauss-Kahn, having met the ex-IMF chief at a vulnerable-girls sex marathon the Frenchman was hosting at his Paris apartment. The former cherry-popster maintained that he had never watched the tape at all, and that the DVD was in his computer as he wanted to check it was empty.

Tinder banned in Southern states of the US after record spike in reports of incest – The dating app Tinder has been banned in most of the Southern states of the US following a massive increase in reports of incest. Police stations across the South are inundated with calls from troubled parents who have had to prise siblings apart after unwitting matches on Tinder. The matched siblings often engage in days of sexting without realising they are talking to their brother or sister. By the time they realise it is often too late.

Five Labour Party supporters caught plotting to assassinate Ed Balls – Five Labour Party supporters have been accused of trying to assassinate their own shadow front-bencher, Ed Balls, in a stunning revelation in the run-up to this year's election. The five supporters, known as “The Five Balls” (though many initially suggested “The Balls Five” to be a better title) are currently in Police custody following a raid on a terraced house in North London. The Police are said to have uncovered a plan whereby Balls would be tempted to attend a fictional event called, “The Ed is AMAZE-Ball” at the Park Lane Hilton, whereupon he was to be drugged and tortured extensively. Many are speculating that an array of election-aware Labour front-benchers are implicated in the plot, but the rumours are yet to be confirmed.

General Election could be re-scheduled to accommodate British Bake Off Special – The BBC are considering asking the government to re-schedule the up-coming General Election in order to allow them to broadcast a special episode of the British Bake Off featuring Gordon Ramsay and Jordan. The government are said to have acknowledged that the BBO special is likely to attract far more interest than the election, but have maintained that representative government is still “sort of the most important thing… I mean technically anyway” to the British people. 

The ever-present threat of incest.

NEW ZEALAND? NO! NOT YOU AS WELL…

An OECD report on rising income inequality across the developed world has confirmed what many observers with at least a piecemeal understanding of life have thought all along: in countries like Britain and the US income distribution is now about as equal as it was during the years leading up to Peasant Revolt of 1381. But the report has also shocked many by revealing that some perennial ‘good guy’ countries are also coming under the spell of neo-liberalism, abandoning things like progressive taxation and knitwear, in favour of corporate subsidies and latex thongs. One such country is New Zealand - shocking Lord of the Rings lovers the world over, and delighting the shit out of chuckling Aussies.

“When I saw the country’s name on the list I thought, oh no, New Zealand? Not you as well!” said centre-left blogger, Barb Ityewat, “Where the fuck are those of us that believe in an egalitarian society meant to live? Canada has become like the US, the Dutch keep acting crazy, Sweden is too cold and also now right-wing, and now New Zealand as well? Damnit!”

The government in Auckland responded to the report by claiming that though the findings were concerning, the New Zealand public should still count their blessings that they weren’t living in Australia under Tony Abbott.

Prices of New Zealand’s exports have remained robust in spite of the negative press, though interestingly, demand for New Zealand lamb has sky-rocketed in Qatar, netting huge profits for Halal-ready exporters. One meat exporter from Dunedin said it was because “the Qataris love anything that is the product of an unequal system. They really get off on that.”

Surprising fans of Reaganomics.

SOUTH AFRICA BECOMES THE DESTINATION OF CHOICE FOR MEN WISHING TO KILL THEIR PARTNERS

First it was the shocking leniency of the sentence handed down to Oscar Pistorius for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp; now it is the mind-blowing acquittal of Shrien Dewani for killing his wife Anni - South Africa has firmly established itself as THE destination of choice for men wishing to murder their partners.

With high rates of crime, chasm-like disparities in income, a well-entrenched societal and judicial racism – South Africa has seemingly all the ingredients an alibi-seeking wife or girlfriend killer would want. One Johannesburg travel agent is looking to take advantage of his country’s new-found status:

“We’re offering tours to the country for men in relationships they need to extricate themselves from, owing to severe personality disorders or closet homosexuality,” said Jacques de Meuve-Leuver, “We will book hotels, flights and arrange for tours into the more dangerous townships in the middle of the night. We have a safari option too as an add-on.”

Mr de Meuve-Leuver claims to have received enquiries from several interested men residing overseas, but was unable to disclose their names without an adequate bribe. Following payment of the bribe, ZEITlies learned that amongst others, de Meuve-Leuver had received enquiries from Kanye West, David Beckham and the Duke of Edinburgh. 

Paradise... for murderer-loving men.

GOVERNMENT FEARS MIGRATORY BIRDS ARE FLYING SOUTH TO JOIN ISIS

A leaked government report has revealed many Whitehall mandarins (and tangerines) fear that the country’s migratory birds could be joining ISIS when they fly south for the winter. Secretly commissioned research has uncovered evidence of a flock of pigeons from East London becoming radicalised and possibly flying to ISIS controlled Syria to join the fighting.

“We are working to deal with the threat,” said Home Office mandarin, Frank Lee Odias, “We are certain that birds have become radicalised, we have solid intel on that. I mean, the source was a convicted crack dealer, who was adjudged a pathological liar by the country’s top psychologist, but still, his intel was solid.”

The report also revealed fears that radicalised battle-hardened birds returning from ISIS next summer could cause havoc in the UK, with contingency plans already taking place to install anti-aircraft batteries across the country’s airports. 

Birds returning from ISIS in suicidal attack formation.

GELDOF REMINDS WORLD HE IS STILL ALIVE AND STILL GETTING WAY PISSED ABOUT AFRICA

To celebrate thirty years of his whining on a global stage, former Monday-hating Irish crooner Bob Geldof has decided to record another celebrity record in aid of suffering people in Africa. The outbreak of the Ebola virus was a crisis that was said to have met the “Four Pillars of Geldofian Intervention”: it was located in Africa, didn’t involve any fighting, the considerations of multiple stakeholders could be conveniently ignored and it was something you could make a ‘rockin’ tune about’.

“I’m fucking well pissed off about it man, that’s why I’m doing this” said Geldof, leaning on a medieval walking stick and clasping a globe in his other hand, “I mean, I can’t record a song about Africa all the time, so I have to pick and choose my moments, and of course I could think about the problems in other parts of the world but I really don’t give a shit… but I am fucking well pissed off about this man.”

Geldof’s supporters have hit back at accusations that his latest attempt at righting the injustices of the multitudes by recording a “catchy choon” is little more than the egotistical grandstanding of a bumbling old fool:

“Nah, it isn’t,” said an unnamed supporter.

In a surprising announcement following news of the new Band Aid record, UKIP released a press statement saying they will also be releasing a charity record, to commemorate the suffering of middle-aged xenophobic little-Englanders across the UK. Stars who have agreed to perform include former S-Club 7 member and long-time racist Jo O’Meera, former Big Break presenter and veteran bigot Jim Davidson and anti-immigrant rap-duo “Prejj U Dis”.

Geldof's audition shot for the Apprentice.

ART GARFUNKEL BELIEVES PAUL SIMON IS BEHIND THE GLOBAL EBOLA OUTBREAK

Legendary musician and one time partner in seminally important folk-duo of the sixties and seventies, Art Garfunkel, has spoken out on the issue of the Ebola virus, which is now spreading its way out of Africa and across the world like a marauding malevolence, seemingly unstoppable to the forces of good, rather like UKIP. Garfunkel believes that when applying the principal of Occam’s razor to the situation, given the virus' genesis in Africa and onward transmission to the West, it is most likely that Paul Simon is the man responsible.

“Everyone knows he goes to Africa all the time, exploiting those groovy people, it’s so sad, yeah so saaad, so sad I know, so sad I know….” said and then sang the sixties-warbler, “And then we know he travels a lot generally, I mean hello? It’s obviously him that’s spreading the damn thing.”

Paul Simon immediately responded to the accusations, calling them “fallacious and incredible” and adding that Garkfunkel was “little more than a raven-haired fantasist with peanut balls and a mushroom for a dick.”

As a precautionary measure, the US Government has quarantined Simon and his immediate friends and family, having already put down the oldest, fattest and most ‘dispensable’ members. Simon’s lawyers appealed the decision to quarantine Mr Simon and his family, but in an unfortunate verdict, the lawyers were also been sent into quarantine as a precautionary measure, leaving Simon in a dire situation.

Garfunkel: "Sometimes I swear you could smell the Ebola on him..."

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 

portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.  

SALES OF HAND CREAM ROCKET AS JEWISH PEOPLE THE WORLD OVER PREPARE FOR SOME SERIOUS FACE-PALMING

Sales of hand creams have almost doubled in the last few weeks, as the Israeli Defence Force steps-up it’s maniacally misguided attacks on the much blighted Palestinians of Gaza, causing millions of right-minded Jewish people the world over to face-palm more than ever before. With attacks - that are about as proportional a response as disciplining an unruly child by making him chew a hand grenade - set to increase in the coming weeks, Jewish people across the world prepare themselves for some serious face-palming.

“It’s terrible what’s happening out there, I can’t even watch. The whole time my face is in my hands,” remarked Manhattan resident, Oscar Grouchovski, “If it’s gonna be this way, then I want to make sure my hand is soft and that it smells nice, so I’ve got a three litre tub of Nivea in my car.”

One North London Synagogue has already set up a face-palm station, treating its worshippers for face-palm injuries like contact eczema and the dreaded ‘hand-print face’. In one week alone, the station managed to use over 100 litres of Neutrogena.

“Apparently Neutrogena is for hard working hands, can you see any more hard working hands than this right now?” exclaimed  the station’s founder, Rabbi Shoutenberg, “We’re using it by the bucket! I mean really, the bucket! Look, Ishmael is squeezing tubes into a bucket right now…”

Shareholders of major hand cream companies like Dove and Nivea are said to be delighted at the recent boon in sales, leading many to now speculate whether it is in fact hand cream companies that are fomenting the situation in Gaza to their own advantage. 

Bloody news is on again...

LOVERS OF BULLSHIT READY THEMSELVES FOR PUTIN’S GRANDEST OPUS

Lovers of bullshit the world over are waiting on tenterhooks pending the outcome of the investigation into the shocking attack on flight MH17 (in an incident described by one Malaysian Airlines shareholder as a “fucking piss-take”), with many inside the Kremlin believing the bullshit Putin will be forced to spout in defence could be the finest bullshit he will ever speak.

Despite constant denials of Russian involvement by the Kremlin, there are now more fingers pointing towards Moscow than in a Soviet-era pointing farm (where hundreds of peasant children would be forced to stand for hours and point at the Soviet capital in reverence to whichever illustrious leader was in office at the time).

Reports from Moscow have stated that Putin is well aware of the gravity of the task he faces - with the plane’s flight recorders about to be analysed in the Netherlands - so has begun work on his bullshit response earlier than normal.

“I’ve heard it will be his best work yet,” remarked former Kremlin insider and bullshit analyst, Leonid Alovadiflov, “Allegedly he is pain-stakingly fabricating a fiction of the utmost complexity, with dynamic characters, profound themes and startling drama! I’ve heard there was an extra-terrestrial plot-twist in the story line, but my source cannot be verified - mostly because he was shot.”

Other analysts familiar with the workings of the Kremlin have added further fallacious fuel to the speculatory fire: “The C.I.A. intercepted some communications recently which suggest Putin has been reading a lot of Tolkien, so we expect his bullshit story to even include its own language,” commented Harvard analyst, Buster Capinnem, “The US is already thinking of a new language of its own in retaliation, though at this stage it’s not clear what they will do with it". 

Maybe I'll say... ghosts did it...