WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Strauss-Kahn sex-tape found at Gary Glitter’s house –Sham-glam pram-slammer, Gary Glitter, found himself in more trouble this week after copies of a Strauss-Kahn sex-tape were found at his house (alongside his usual stash of child porn). Glitter claimed to ‘storing’ the tapes for Strauss-Kahn, having met the ex-IMF chief at a vulnerable-girls sex marathon the Frenchman was hosting at his Paris apartment. The former cherry-popster maintained that he had never watched the tape at all, and that the DVD was in his computer as he wanted to check it was empty.

Tinder banned in Southern states of the US after record spike in reports of incest – The dating app Tinder has been banned in most of the Southern states of the US following a massive increase in reports of incest. Police stations across the South are inundated with calls from troubled parents who have had to prise siblings apart after unwitting matches on Tinder. The matched siblings often engage in days of sexting without realising they are talking to their brother or sister. By the time they realise it is often too late.

Five Labour Party supporters caught plotting to assassinate Ed Balls – Five Labour Party supporters have been accused of trying to assassinate their own shadow front-bencher, Ed Balls, in a stunning revelation in the run-up to this year's election. The five supporters, known as “The Five Balls” (though many initially suggested “The Balls Five” to be a better title) are currently in Police custody following a raid on a terraced house in North London. The Police are said to have uncovered a plan whereby Balls would be tempted to attend a fictional event called, “The Ed is AMAZE-Ball” at the Park Lane Hilton, whereupon he was to be drugged and tortured extensively. Many are speculating that an array of election-aware Labour front-benchers are implicated in the plot, but the rumours are yet to be confirmed.

General Election could be re-scheduled to accommodate British Bake Off Special – The BBC are considering asking the government to re-schedule the up-coming General Election in order to allow them to broadcast a special episode of the British Bake Off featuring Gordon Ramsay and Jordan. The government are said to have acknowledged that the BBO special is likely to attract far more interest than the election, but have maintained that representative government is still “sort of the most important thing… I mean technically anyway” to the British people. 

The ever-present threat of incest.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 

portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.  

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Disgraced British TV Star Stuart Hall forced to issue statement denying knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing Nigerian schoolgirls – Following the sordid revelations of his predatory sexual dick-banditry with underage girls in BBC dressing rooms, Hall’s team were compelled to issue a statement categorically denying knowing where the missing schoolgirls might be. After a visit to the Hall residence late last night, Police are said to be satisfied that his garage is “no way near big enough to hold 200 schoolgirls, not even thin ones”.

Canadian cannabis vending machines create unforeseen situations – Many machines have had the walls in their peripheral area gnawed at as vendo-mashed stoners desperately seek to sate their munchies on any available solid. In addition to this, in every instance of an attempted theft from a machine the would-be thief has been immediately apprehended, with the miscreant typically found metres away from the machine sitting on the floor stoned.

Not fans of Eurovision. 

Al-Shabaab’s promise to disrupt Eurovision welcomed by all - Militant Somalian Islamist group, Al-Shabaab have promised to disrupt the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest in a move that has won supporters from all quarters. The exact plans of the Al-Shabaab operation are a closely guarded secret, but the group has not yet ruled out performing a song of their own – written with Will-i-Am – which purportedly exposits the fundamentals of their radical Islamist dogma, but has an absolutely wicked beat and really cool synth.

Fear of match-fixing creates unbridled paranoia at Pepsi IPL – Fans are reportedly so suspicious that every single event in each of the cricket matches at this year’s IPL could in fact be fixed, many are suffering aneurysms and haemorrhages owing to breakouts of unbridled paranoia. Every time a wicket falls, a catch is dropped or a no ball is bowled, the number of stricken patients streaming into India’s hospitals suffering with paranoia-related injuries increases. Dubai-based bookmaking firm, I T Akallofdat PVT Limited, have reportedly starting taking bets on which hospital will admit the most patients in any particular hour.

Spectacular fix.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Putin calls Merkel a ‘completely vapid dick-tease’ – The increasingly disgruntled Russian premier is said to be frustrated by the German leader’s frequent displays of racy amounts of ankle and daring amounts of neckline, according to one Kremlin insider. Despite these flashes of Victorian seductiveness, Merkel has persistently refused Putin’s shirtless advances: “Whenever I speak to her, nothing. She has nothing to say,” the bemused President commented, declaring that he has 'almost given-up' trying to seduce her.

Egypt determined to abandon democracy and return to authoritarianism as quickly as possible – As hundreds of liberal activists, opposing politicians and anyone else that looks shifty, are rounded up and thrown into lion-filled dungeons, Egypt looks hell-bent on setting a personal-best in the most-rapid-return-authoritarianism-following-a-revolution stakes. Large clocks have been erected in the once revolutionary Tahrir Square, now displaying a countdown of an estimated return to authoritarianism.   

Sylvio Berlusconi discovered in bed without a naked teenager – The former Italian Prime Minister was immediately rushed to hospital, where he was injected with emergency shots of testosterone, Viagra and Grappa, before being given several medically-approved lap-dances. Despite initial signs of weakness and a reluctance to leer or grope, the Forza Italia leader eventually recovered fully, and by the time he left the hospital he had already gotten a sore hand from slapping women’s bottoms.

Students in North Korea required to wear Kim Jong-Un’s face – Following revelations that the North Korean leader believes his law requiring male students to have his haircut “is nowhere near enough! They all look like kids from Shoreditch!” North Korean students will now be required to wear a replica face mask depicting the leader’s face, to remove all doubt as to whom they are enslaved. Students with slender faces will be force fed until the mask fits properly and students that are too fat for the mask will be shot.

Barack Obama claims he is ‘so over being President’ – The once vaunted figure of hope and freedom is now said to spend many afternoons sitting in the Oval Office shopping online and clock-watching until five-thirty. “He doesn’t even answer his Blackberry anymore, he can’t be bothered,” said one presidential aide. Obama’s complete boredom with being President is said to be one of the main reasons the geo-political showdown in the Crimea fizzled out to a petty playground scuffle of matching sanctions against inconsequential people. “We wanted to press for firmer action,” said a state official, “but he kept yawning and saying he just wanted to be out on time.” 

Obama dreams of life after the presidency.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

·         Tribe of Cherokee Indians massacred outside Taunton – The visiting native-Americans were caught performing a rain dance in a car park behind the local Asda, one of the few places in the area not under six feet of water. When news spread amongst the flood ravaged locals, a damp and irate mob surrounded the dancing tribesman and beat them to death with cricket bats. It is thought that the Cherokee meant no harm, as none of them actually believed the dance really worked.

·         Welsh leek company to sponsor the first ‘World’s Biggest Leak’ competition – The inaugural competition will see the very leaky Pentagon Papers leaker, Daniel Ellsberg, pitted against the leakiest cyber-leak of the 21st Century, Edward Snowden. The competition will involve several leak and leek based events, with the eventual winner set to receive a first prize of over two hundred thousand pounds worth of leeks.

·         Ethically manufactured clothing seized from Primark – A rogue shipment of clothes - manufactured in factories offering safe working conditions and reasonable pay - has been seized by customs before it was unloaded at the Primark depot in Dagenham. A Primark spokesman said the company was urgently reviewing its supply-chain procedures and it assured shareholders that such a thing would never happen again.

·         One-Direction banned from Russia under Putin’s gay laws – The law prohibiting the promotion of homosexuality to the under-18s has taken another victim, as teenage gay-icons One Direction are banned from touring and selling products in the Russian Federation. A statement from Moscow explained that “Having a band of openly homosexual men being promoted to the under-18s is exactly the thing we are trying to prohibit with our laws. Why don’t you get that?”

Snowden or Ellsberg: Who's the biggest leak?

WORLD NEWS ROUND UP

·         Al Gore misunderstands the film ‘Sharknado’ – The former vice-president has already spent millions of dollars raising awareness of all the poorly-conceived natural disasters that will occur as a result of global warming (including Tara Reid - though she is only partly natural). His decision to embark on another crusade is said to have nothing to do with the fact that his wife wants him out of the house.

·         Francois Hollande attempts to shag his way to popularity – The ever unpopular French president is determined to have as many extra-marital affairs as it will take for the French to finally accept him. Former Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berclusconi, is said to have wished him "the best of luck on his noble quest'.

·         FIFA President Sepp Blatter expresses 'mild irritation' at latest Qatar World Cup atrocity – News of more South-Asian workers plunging to their deaths in medieval working conditions is said to have caused the FIFA President to pause momentarily before eating his sandwich. He then left the room with a Qatari delegate before returning ten minutes later, wearing a 24-carat gold hat and a look of contentment.

·         Kim Jong-Un keen to appear on reality television – The portly Pyongyang premier is said to want to show his softer side to the public following the recent executions of his close friends and family. MTV are keen to strike a deal to make a show, based loosely on tried-and-tested formats like 'The Osbornes'. 

·         Nine year old child prodigy in Beijing learns ‘Mein Kampf’ off by heart – His parents regret not being able to read English and buying a book they thought was about Charlie Chaplin. They realised the mistake after listening to the boy recite the entire volume and deducing that it couldn't have been Chaplin as it 'wasn't that funny'.

Not as funny as you might think.