REBEKAH BROOKS DENIES PHONE-HACKING THE JUDGE AT HER OWN TRIAL

The disgraced former-editor of the News of the World has denied reports that she attempted to phone-hack the judge at her own trial, despite multiple allegations that she was seen asking for the judge’s number and then sneaking off into a toilet with two mobile phones. Brooks also denied being the former editor of the News of the World, being ginger, being a woman and being a raven-haired temptress of nefarious men.

Several jury members also reported concerns that Brooks may be attempting to carry out some form of surveillance activity on them whilst the trial is taking place. One member said that late at night, he saw Brooks outside his house - poorly disguised as Spongebob Squarepants - loitering menacingly and attempting to look through his windows.

“She wasn’t even dressed as Spongebob really,” said unnamed jury member Ronald Barclay, “She was just holding a little Spongebob in front of her face. With all that bloody hair you could tell it was her.”

Several of the Police team investigating the jury member’s claims ‘just happened’ to be in Chipping Norton all at once, and so gave a press conference from the Brooks residence.

“We will be thorough and diligent in our investigations,” said PC Woodley, seated in his brand new Porsche, “There is absolutely no suggestion that our impartiality will be compromised.”  

It would appear that the Brooks desire for megalomaniacal terror shows no signs of abating: despite denying any knowledge of the whereabouts of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370, Brooks was seen leaving the Old Bailey today with a Boeing 777-shaped suitcase, which appeared to be full. She is also yet to provide an acceptable alibi for the night of Bob Crow’s death.

Brooks sees another person whose phone she can hack.

FARAGE PROMISES TO LEARN THE NAMES OF FIVE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES AHEAD OF THE UPCOMING DEBATE WITH CLEGG

For a man who intends to buy all his policies from whichever back-alley think-tank will flog ‘em to ‘im at the right price; the prospect of an actual debate on policy promises to be the most damningly-exposing political episode since John Prescott’s streaking at the House of Commons. But a resolute and determined Nigel Farage has come out fighting, stating that he will learn the names of “at least five European countries” ahead of the upcoming debate with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.

A spokesman for UKIP issued a statement at a press conference – hosted at the strip-club ‘Golden Nuggets’ - on behalf of an absent Farage, who was busy attending the annual UKIP cage-fight at a car-park in Dagenham.

“Mr Farage is determined to smack Mr Clegg’s Westminster-botty from here to Madrid, from where his kraut wife hails,” said UKIP spokesman, Johnny Gaddaffy, “Not only will he learn five names of countries, he will also learn to impersonate an offensive stereotype from each of them. The British public will realise he is our only choice when it comes to dealing with those Europeans, from Brussels to Bagdad!”

Unsurprisingly, Farage’s intentions have ruffled Liberal Democrat feathers:

“Even though Mr Clegg has worked in Brussels with EU institutions and has a far greater understanding of the issues, we are still worried, well, depressed really,” said a Lib-Dem activist, whilst in medieval stocks receiving a face-full of fruit, “We just feel that even though it’s only five names, if Farage shouts them loud enough and nails his impressions, he could still win.”

Both the Conservative and the Labour party have expressed complete ambivalence to the whole situation, with one Home Secretary (who wished to remain anonymous) suggesting that it was “as inconsequential as Stoke v West Brom when Man City v Chelsea is on the other channel”. 

Farage's impression of a Frenchman is yet to be perfected.