REPUBLICANS SEEK TO BAN CONDOMS IN MID-WESTERN STATES IN ORDER TO INCREASE NUMBER OF WHITE CHRISTIANS

As the Republican Party wakes-up to a bitch-slap of an electoral hangover, there are fresh calls from within the party for its leaders to address the changing demographics of the nation’s electorate. Many have suggested that subsequent presidential nominees should spend more time eating tacos and listening to rap music in order to shore up ethnic minority votes; but others have advocated a whole new strategy.

“The problem with elections in this hyaaa country is that we can’t just win by relying on the White Christian vote anymore” said Tex McToughguy, a leading Republican strategist, “The solution? We gotta start making more White Christians….fast!”

Mctoughguy is one of a number of leading GOP figures to call for a blanket ban on all condoms for White Christians, particularly in the mid-west and southern states of the country. These areas are putatively Republican heartlands but, much to the consistent consternation of the party, are sparsely populated when compared to the densely populated Democrat-dominated seaboards.

“We need to get out there and start banging our way to victory!” McToughguy explained, as he wrote the word ‘communist’ on a nearby ambulance. “No more condoms, no more pulling out, no more fidelity. White Christians the country-over have got to bang each other till the cows come home! Switch your partners if you need to, hoe-down style!”

The Democrats are said to be unconcerned by GOP plans to alter the composition of country's population in their favour. With future demographical forecasts showing a growing trend for non-white participation in prospective elections, Democrat activists are understandably confident.

“They can turn trailer parks into orgies, we don't care. What those stupid rednecks forget is we got Mexico riiiiight there baby,” said Rufus Dufus, Democrat blogger and forty-year old virgin, “No one can make babies like Mexicans! Those icky Republicans don’t stand a chance!” 

Come on fellas, it's time to get your f**k on...