METEOROLOGISTS DEMAND ‘SCARIER NAMES’ FOR HURRICANES IN ORDER TO SUFFICIENTLY WARN PUBLIC

As hurricane season swirls its way into the Caribbean and the Western seaboard of Mexico, meteorologists are demanding that hurricanes are given scarier names in order to sufficiently warn the public of the terror they actually bring.

“Right now we got Patricia,” said Fox News weatherman, Chet Thunder, “Who the heck is scared of anyone or anything called Patricia. You can’t expect the public to take that seriously. I mean look what happened with Katrina? You name a storm after a figure skater and no one gives a shit!”

A concerned group of weathermen and women have gathered across social media to collate a list of hurricane names they felt would be of a sufficiently threatening nature such that the public would likely take them seriously. This list includes, names like “Vladimir”, “Adolf”, “Ivan” and “Darth Vader”, though the name hurricane “Robin Thicke” was excluded from the list, with many feeling such a name would only be threatening to women who enjoyed consensual sex.

“Just imagine the impact it would have on the news if the anchor was yelling Adolf is coming!” said Thunder, “It’s exactly the kind of weather communication we need at Fox News.”

It doesn't even look like a 'Patricia'. 

VIRGINIA POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY FAILS TO KILL BLACK PERSON WHEN SHOOTING HIM

A Virginia police officer inadvertently failed to kill an unarmed black civilian, when shooting him for a minor misdemeanour in Richmond last night. Officer Ray Sissed was reported to have shot unarmed black teenager, Demarkevius LaShawn Jackson-Thomas, following an altercation outside of a convenience store on the outskirts of Richmond.

“I saw the suspect leave the store with what looked like a can of soda in his hands,” said Officer Sissed, squirting a wad of soggy wad of tobacco from his mouth into a nearby spittoon, “I of course assumed that he stole that can of soda at gunpoint so I proceeded to try and apprehend the suspect. When he failed to respond to my whispered calls of ‘stop’, I pulled out my gun and started shooting.”

Sissed explained that inexplicably, he ignored all his previous training on how to shoot an unarmed black civilian, and shot LaShawn Jackson-Thomas in the leg thereby rendering him immobile and no longer a threat. When Sissed realised what he had done, he was said to have been inconsolable.

“When I realised I didn’t put six bullets in the back of his head for a crime he may or may not have committed, I knew it was time for me to take a break from policing,” said a tearful Sissed, “I just want to be able to protect and serve the right way. The American way.”

Richmond police officers await a black teenager alleged to have used the 'F word'.

CORRUPT ORGANISATION RE-ELECTS CORRUPT LEADER WHO IS SET TO DEFEND ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION

In the latest electoral disaster that has brought into question the very point of voting, scandal-ridden corruption-fest FIFA has bizarrely decided to re-elect President Sepp Blatter, in a move that some observers have described as “akin to grievous self-harm”.  Naturally, there are allegations of corruption in the election, which took place against a background of corruption allegations, against an organisation that many believe is corrupt and is headed by a man that even his mother thought was corrupt.

Blatter was understandably delighted at this latest display of his Stalinist grip on power, declaring to a rapturous crowd in Geneva: “I am your God!”

The US Department of Justice is said to be less than pleased with the result, with one unnamed investigator saying that US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, was heard screaming “What the fuck?!” when she was told the result.

“She just couldn’t believe it,” said the DOJ spokesman, “I mean he used corruption to get re-elected so he can defend allegations of corruption. He’s basically telling us to fuck ourselves.”

FA representative, Greg Dyke, was disappointed at the result, which he believes was a missed opportunity to reform the rotten organisation.

“I mean, with all them African countries in there we was never gonna win was we?” said Dyke, blithely munching on a Ginster’s pasty, “I mean what’s the bloody point of an election if everyone gets a vote? You end up with some cu…”

Blatter models himself on another of history's most amoral leaders.

LOVERS OF BULLSHIT READY THEMSELVES FOR PUTIN’S GRANDEST OPUS

Lovers of bullshit the world over are waiting on tenterhooks pending the outcome of the investigation into the shocking attack on flight MH17 (in an incident described by one Malaysian Airlines shareholder as a “fucking piss-take”), with many inside the Kremlin believing the bullshit Putin will be forced to spout in defence could be the finest bullshit he will ever speak.

Despite constant denials of Russian involvement by the Kremlin, there are now more fingers pointing towards Moscow than in a Soviet-era pointing farm (where hundreds of peasant children would be forced to stand for hours and point at the Soviet capital in reverence to whichever illustrious leader was in office at the time).

Reports from Moscow have stated that Putin is well aware of the gravity of the task he faces - with the plane’s flight recorders about to be analysed in the Netherlands - so has begun work on his bullshit response earlier than normal.

“I’ve heard it will be his best work yet,” remarked former Kremlin insider and bullshit analyst, Leonid Alovadiflov, “Allegedly he is pain-stakingly fabricating a fiction of the utmost complexity, with dynamic characters, profound themes and startling drama! I’ve heard there was an extra-terrestrial plot-twist in the story line, but my source cannot be verified - mostly because he was shot.”

Other analysts familiar with the workings of the Kremlin have added further fallacious fuel to the speculatory fire: “The C.I.A. intercepted some communications recently which suggest Putin has been reading a lot of Tolkien, so we expect his bullshit story to even include its own language,” commented Harvard analyst, Buster Capinnem, “The US is already thinking of a new language of its own in retaliation, though at this stage it’s not clear what they will do with it". 

Maybe I'll say... ghosts did it...

ZEITlies – Voxpop

A DISCUSSION ON PROPORTIONALITY WITH AN IDF SPOKESMAN

As bombs rain on Gaza and the Israeli Defence Force increases its efforts to redress sporadic Hamas rocket attacks, ZEITlies catches up with an IDF spokesman for a brief chat on proportionality…

(ed -  To IDF Lawyers… this is in fact a joke…)

ZEITlies:                      Hi there, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

IDF Spokesman:         It’s fine. Now talk.

ZEITlies                      Would you regard the current IDF offensive as a proportionate response to Hamas attacks?

IDF Spokesman:        Of course! What a stupid question. You don’t think I know what proportionate is?

ZEITlies:                     Well, what would you do if someone stole a hat from you?

IDF Spokesman:        A hat? MY HAT? I would take everything they owned! Everything! Their possessions, their family, their dogs, everything!

ZEITlies:                      Ok… maybe you like hats. What would you do if your partner slept with someone else?

IDF Spokesman:        She slept with someone else? I don’t believe it! I would sleep with every woman in Israel, every man as well if I had to! I would sleep with so many people there would be no one left for her to sleep with!

ZEITlies:                      Right, I wouldn’t say that was entirely equivalent… what would you do if someone punched you?

IDF Spokesman:        They punched me? Oh my god, no! I would take their hand, and then I would punch them in the head with it so many times, there would be a fist shaped hole in their head! Then I would take the head and I would…

ZEITlies:                     Ok, ok! I get it. So if you knew a Palestinian fired a rocket into Israel…

IDF Spokesman:        If they did that I would bomb every man, woman, cow, dog, cat and bird in that bloody place! It would be a desert when I was done! It would be a hole in the desert! There would every single grain of dirt on that strip will have been bombed at least five times!

ZEITlies:                     I see… proportionate.

IDF Spokesman:       Exactly! Now somebody fetch me something to beat this guy with!

IDF respond to a toddler with a pea-shooter.

GEORGE BUSH’S PAINTINGS REVEAL HIS ‘OUTER’ CHILD

As a series of paintings, conjured up by the former Most Hated Man in The World and five-time World Douche of the Year, George Bush, is released to a chorus of exasperated groans, art critics are unanimous in their view that the works reveal Bush’s true personality. However, instead of tapping into a childlike state that lies deep and dormant in the recesses of his personality, Bush’s work is able to exploit the childlike state that is conveniently on the surface.

“Oh he has used his work to really show us who he is, like going through a process of spiritual regression to reach one’s fundamentalities, and I for one, love it,” said broadsheet art-critic, Foolah Krapp, whilst he/she drank/ate a cocktail/beer served in a man/woman’s hat, “With George he doesn’t need to regress, his fundamentalities are on the surface! He’s a child! It’s just amoriphicly fantabulicious, indubitably.”

Bush’s works have already attracted several high-profile customers, with aging megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch rumoured to have offered ten million US dollars for Bush’s self-portrait. Sources close to Murdoch claim that the Australian media tycoon plans to hang the portrait in the same room that he houses his life-size waxwork of Margaret Thatcher, on the opposite wall to a series of sketches of a nude Rebekah Brooks. Other rumoured customers are former prime-minister and career bullshit-merchant, Tony Blair, and current Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.    

From the collection: 'Selfies'

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Putin calls Merkel a ‘completely vapid dick-tease’ – The increasingly disgruntled Russian premier is said to be frustrated by the German leader’s frequent displays of racy amounts of ankle and daring amounts of neckline, according to one Kremlin insider. Despite these flashes of Victorian seductiveness, Merkel has persistently refused Putin’s shirtless advances: “Whenever I speak to her, nothing. She has nothing to say,” the bemused President commented, declaring that he has 'almost given-up' trying to seduce her.

Egypt determined to abandon democracy and return to authoritarianism as quickly as possible – As hundreds of liberal activists, opposing politicians and anyone else that looks shifty, are rounded up and thrown into lion-filled dungeons, Egypt looks hell-bent on setting a personal-best in the most-rapid-return-authoritarianism-following-a-revolution stakes. Large clocks have been erected in the once revolutionary Tahrir Square, now displaying a countdown of an estimated return to authoritarianism.   

Sylvio Berlusconi discovered in bed without a naked teenager – The former Italian Prime Minister was immediately rushed to hospital, where he was injected with emergency shots of testosterone, Viagra and Grappa, before being given several medically-approved lap-dances. Despite initial signs of weakness and a reluctance to leer or grope, the Forza Italia leader eventually recovered fully, and by the time he left the hospital he had already gotten a sore hand from slapping women’s bottoms.

Students in North Korea required to wear Kim Jong-Un’s face – Following revelations that the North Korean leader believes his law requiring male students to have his haircut “is nowhere near enough! They all look like kids from Shoreditch!” North Korean students will now be required to wear a replica face mask depicting the leader’s face, to remove all doubt as to whom they are enslaved. Students with slender faces will be force fed until the mask fits properly and students that are too fat for the mask will be shot.

Barack Obama claims he is ‘so over being President’ – The once vaunted figure of hope and freedom is now said to spend many afternoons sitting in the Oval Office shopping online and clock-watching until five-thirty. “He doesn’t even answer his Blackberry anymore, he can’t be bothered,” said one presidential aide. Obama’s complete boredom with being President is said to be one of the main reasons the geo-political showdown in the Crimea fizzled out to a petty playground scuffle of matching sanctions against inconsequential people. “We wanted to press for firmer action,” said a state official, “but he kept yawning and saying he just wanted to be out on time.” 

Obama dreams of life after the presidency.

SARAH PALIN PLEDGES ALASKAN INVASION OF RUSSIA IF PUTIN GOES TOO FAR

Former vice-presidential candidate and now increasingly bewildered Alaskan rant-lover, Sarah Palin, has vowed to invade Russia across the Baring Straits bordering Alaska, should Vladimir Putin extend his military designs beyond the Crimea. Palin, issuing a statement hours after her breast enhancement surgery – where her breasts were implanted with high calibre rifles – promised to unleash the full force of a state apparatus she has absolutely no control over.

“Gee, we’ll send our huskies, and we’ll hit’em square on the nose with our hockey pucks!” said Palin, astride the corpse of a freshly slain moose, “Golly, our first battalion hockey-mom brigade sure ain’t scared of nukes! They have no idea what they are!”

Palin’s typically hermitic ramblings have aroused no attention at all from people with actual work to do, but Tea Party activists and far-right bloggers have been in raptures at her latest outburst.

“This is exactly why we like her, she don’t take sh*t from no one!” commented on blogger, Tazer Pepperspray, “Who cares if Putin obliterates her, it’s better than sitting and doing nothing… like bunch of lazy…”

The newly formed Moms Against Putin, or MAP for short, is a coalition of concerned American mothers, all of whom share a deep-seated fear of Vladimir Putin. Palin has proved to be nothing short of messianic for MAP’s members:

“In every generation, there is a chosen one. A person who will stand up, fight against oppression and tyranny, speak for ordinary people, and kick the a** of that turd Putin!” said MAP founder and lifelong Putinphobe, Beverley Sisters, “What the esteemed Ms Palin said today confirmed that for Mothers Against Putin, she is the chosen one.”

Though Moscow has remained silent over the Palin's valium-and-insanity fueled ramblings, some insiders have suggested Putin was pleasantly surprised. It has been rumoured that Putin has emailed pictures of himself to Sarah Palin, where in typically shirtless fashion, the Russian premier is seen standing over the corpse of a moose, holding a still-smoking rifle and smoking a cigar. Whether or not Ms Palin has replied is currently unknown. 

Sarah Palin, moments before the man in front of her is killed by way of manslaughter.

PIERS MORGAN’S GREEN CARD REVOKED UPON HIS DISMISSAL FROM CNN

The US Government is keen to capitalise on perhaps the most rapid demise of a Brit in America since Hugh Grant had his junk fiddled by Divine Brown. Morgan was said to be furious with the government’s decision to revoke his green card, vowing to dedicate his whole life to smearing his former host country on Twitter. In response, the US Government released a one line statement which simply read: “F**k off you complete douche”.

Morgan was said to have been heart-broken following his dismissal from CNN, apparently pleading desperately with the news network’s producers. He offered several suggestions for other shows to replace the now defunct Piers Morgan Live: a show where Morgan interviews members of the British House of Lords, called “Piers meets Peers”, a travel programme where he visits all the nation’s piers called “Piers does Piers”, a chat show with Dragons Den’s Piers Linney on Brighton Pier called “Piers and Piers on the Pier”, and a variety show where Morgan plays a number of his own satirical sketch characters called, “Piers Piers! Piers Piers Piers!”

A member of Morgan’s team agreed to speak off the record, and following receipt of thirty-pence Sterling, she quickly agreed to defame her boss on the record.

“He couldn’t believe that they didn’t like any of his ideas, but he forgets, every single person in the USA hates him. He didn’t stand a chance. When he left the building a group of nuns from Brooklyn mugged him and stole his phone.”

Morgan was unavailable for comment on his own affairs, busy as he was on Twitter, commenting on his own affairs.

Morgan is said to - quite literally - love the smell of his own farts.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

·         Tribe of Cherokee Indians massacred outside Taunton – The visiting native-Americans were caught performing a rain dance in a car park behind the local Asda, one of the few places in the area not under six feet of water. When news spread amongst the flood ravaged locals, a damp and irate mob surrounded the dancing tribesman and beat them to death with cricket bats. It is thought that the Cherokee meant no harm, as none of them actually believed the dance really worked.

·         Welsh leek company to sponsor the first ‘World’s Biggest Leak’ competition – The inaugural competition will see the very leaky Pentagon Papers leaker, Daniel Ellsberg, pitted against the leakiest cyber-leak of the 21st Century, Edward Snowden. The competition will involve several leak and leek based events, with the eventual winner set to receive a first prize of over two hundred thousand pounds worth of leeks.

·         Ethically manufactured clothing seized from Primark – A rogue shipment of clothes - manufactured in factories offering safe working conditions and reasonable pay - has been seized by customs before it was unloaded at the Primark depot in Dagenham. A Primark spokesman said the company was urgently reviewing its supply-chain procedures and it assured shareholders that such a thing would never happen again.

·         One-Direction banned from Russia under Putin’s gay laws – The law prohibiting the promotion of homosexuality to the under-18s has taken another victim, as teenage gay-icons One Direction are banned from touring and selling products in the Russian Federation. A statement from Moscow explained that “Having a band of openly homosexual men being promoted to the under-18s is exactly the thing we are trying to prohibit with our laws. Why don’t you get that?”

Snowden or Ellsberg: Who's the biggest leak?

ALEX SALMOND MORE CONFUSED OVER INDEPENDENCE THAN A GAY TEENAGER AT BIBLE CAMP

In the latest installment to what is proving to be the least-well-thought-out independence campaign since the Gurian republic of 1905 (which lasted some three months), Alex Salmond has proven beyond doubt that he is more confused on the issue of Scottish independence than a homosexual teenager listening to ecclesiastical admonishments at Bible camp. Not only has Salmond promised Scots a break from Westminster, giving them the freedom to set fiscal and monetary policy, Salmond conversely has promised Scots that they will keep the pound - or the ‘poond’ as it is known in revolutionary SNP dialect, despite the restrictions on freedom that this would entail. In a further puzzling move, he has also pledged membership of the EU, which would mean another currency, and another external government controlling Scotland’s fiscal and monetary affairs.

IScotland and ‘Yes’ vote campaigners are said to be somewhat disappointed with Salmond’s confused rhetoric over the independence debate. “As far as we can see it, with everything that has been promised by Salmond so far, we will need to have three currencies and three separate governments with over-lapping jurisdictions over Scotland,” said iScotland campaigner Hamish McLeary, “The net result is that we will be much less independent than at any time in our history. I don’t think we wanted that…”

‘No’ campaigners suggest that the confusion over currency and EU membership is simply more evidence of the fact that the SNP are far more concerned with English-bashing, Tory-smearing rhetoric, than with actually forming policies for government.

Salmond however, has remained resolute in the face of rising criticism. Allegations that he was spotted wearing an England football shirt, whilst munching on Belgian chocolate are said to be unfounded.

“What looked like an England shirt, was actually an old Scotland away shirt,” said McLeary, “And what looked like Belgian chocolate, was actually a lump of human shit.”

Salmond unsure who to support in this year's football World Cup.

JUSTIN BIEBER TO BUNK WITH EDWARD SNOWDEN TILL SH*T CALMS DOWN

The teenage Canadian pop sensation is facing the wrath of the American public following a string of recent incidents showcasing his unmistakably bad-boy style. Drag races in Lamborghinis (though some witnesses say they were really Lamborghini races in drag), driving under the influence of drugs and assaulting limo drivers: Bieber’s unfettered desire to be the world’s greatest rouge and bounder shows no sign of abating.

Bieber’s self-imposed re-brand of himself, from being a pube-free teenage-girl tempter, to a steroid-fuelled, reverse-baseball-cap-wearing jack*ss, has caused much consternation in the American showbiz community.  Some are saying that it is only a matter of time before the juiced-up Canadian warbler has a showdown with another steroid-induced self-styled bad-boy, Shia Leboeuf. Tentative predictions from bookmakers suggest that in a fight, it is likely that both parties would come out losing. Leboeuf was unavailable for comment, recovering in hospital after a scuffle he had in London, where following the consumption of an entire half-pint of beer, he picked a fight with the front row of the Harlequins rugby team.

Understandably, Justin Bieber’s management team are keen to keep their star away from further trouble, and following news of a petition, comprised of 10,000 signatures, demanding Bieber’s expulsion from the US, his management team feel they have no option other than to take Bieber into hiding until “sh*t calms down.”

“Fortunately for us, everyone is a fan of Justin’s music, and Vladimir Putin is no exception,” a perma-tanned PR representative for Bieber commented, “Apparently he likes to listen to his album when he’s hunting shirtless, or riding horseback shirtless, or even attending the Kremlin shirtless. He was more than happy to accommodate Justin in his hour of need”.

Snowden's alternative to bunking with Bieber

The Canadian pop sensation will be whisked to the secret location in Russia where wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden is currently hiding. Snowden however, has reportedly not taken the news well. Immediately upon discovering his fate, he requested for a batch of ricin capsules to be sent to his quarters by the KGB, and is now said to be strongly considering extradition to the US, despite the severity of punishment that such a move would bring. 

WORLD NEWS ROUND UP

·         Al Gore misunderstands the film ‘Sharknado’ – The former vice-president has already spent millions of dollars raising awareness of all the poorly-conceived natural disasters that will occur as a result of global warming (including Tara Reid - though she is only partly natural). His decision to embark on another crusade is said to have nothing to do with the fact that his wife wants him out of the house.

·         Francois Hollande attempts to shag his way to popularity – The ever unpopular French president is determined to have as many extra-marital affairs as it will take for the French to finally accept him. Former Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berclusconi, is said to have wished him "the best of luck on his noble quest'.

·         FIFA President Sepp Blatter expresses 'mild irritation' at latest Qatar World Cup atrocity – News of more South-Asian workers plunging to their deaths in medieval working conditions is said to have caused the FIFA President to pause momentarily before eating his sandwich. He then left the room with a Qatari delegate before returning ten minutes later, wearing a 24-carat gold hat and a look of contentment.

·         Kim Jong-Un keen to appear on reality television – The portly Pyongyang premier is said to want to show his softer side to the public following the recent executions of his close friends and family. MTV are keen to strike a deal to make a show, based loosely on tried-and-tested formats like 'The Osbornes'. 

·         Nine year old child prodigy in Beijing learns ‘Mein Kampf’ off by heart – His parents regret not being able to read English and buying a book they thought was about Charlie Chaplin. They realised the mistake after listening to the boy recite the entire volume and deducing that it couldn't have been Chaplin as it 'wasn't that funny'.

Not as funny as you might think.

NIGELLA’S DECISION TO RE-LOCATE TO THE US HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ITS PROXIMITY TO COLUMBIA

Nigella Lawson’s publicist, Henrietta Cheval-Bouche, issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced TV chef, explaining in full her recent decision to abandon her home country for a re-launch in the US.

“It’s just about business,” said Cheval-Bouche, after her seventh toilet break in an hour, “We have always wanted to crack the US market and the time for doing it is now. It’s nothing to do with the fact that the US is four thousand miles closer to the world’s largest cocaine producing nation. Nothing at all.”

Cheval-Bouche went on to explain that the frequent shuttle flights that Ms Lawson has made from New York to Bogota were because she was arranging a menu for a Columbian orphanage; and that the itinerary of her up-coming book tour which takes her to Mexico, Bolivia, Columbia, Peru, back to Columbia, then to Peru again, was purely driven by business concerns.

Following the revelations made by Ms Lawson during her time as a witness in the recent Saatchi trial, she has been quick to take flight and re-invent herself across the pond. This move has left many UK fans puzzled, who feel that the domestic goddess is still widely revered in her home country.

“Oh we just love her!” said a Nigella Fan Club member, “I don’t care if she has floated along on the trappings of privilege. Or if she admitted to taking class-A drugs in court and got away with it. Or if she’s a Marie-Antionette wannabe on Twitter. Hang on a minute…”

Channel 4 are among those still pleased as mustard with the chalk-faced, girdle-stretching TV Chef; with her new show set to debut to UK screens this week. “We think that everyone who deserves to be behind bars, also deserves to be on the telly!” said a Channel 4 Commissioning editor, spying on a local brothel, “We’ve got a new show for Rolph Harris coming this year, and a weekly video blog from that one-eyed bloke that killed those Policewomen!”

Introducing the latest panel addition to Channel Four's '8 out of 10 Cats'.

OSBORNE: “THE ECONOMY MAY BE BUST BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE GARETH BALE!"

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has made an extraordinary plea to Welsh wing-playing wizard, Gareth Bale, in the wake of credit agency Stroppy & Co.’s downgrading of the nation’s AAA credit rating to AAA- ; and the accompanying titular insult of its downgrading of ‘Great Britain’ to ‘Britain’. George Osborne has declared that despite grimly-morbid external assessments of the country’s economic health, he’s putting his money on the Tottenham ace to ‘Bale’ the country out of trouble.

“He has done it for Tottenham on countless occasions this season and there is no reason why he can’t do it for Britain!” the Chancellor said, in a statement made to press at the International House of Arseholery, “Come on Gareth! We need you to Bale us out!”

The twenty-three year old midfielder is said to be none-too-pleased with the sudden demands for him to rid a nation of sixty million people of its macro-economic ills. With the crucially-important North London derby against Arsenal this weekend to prepare for, Bale understandably has other concerns on his mind.

“I’m already taking a whole team to the fucking Champions League,” said Bale, casually chipping a football into a rubbish bin from eighty metres, “I can’t sort out a whole country’s economy as well! Why don’t they ask Mo Farah or someone?”

As news of Britain’s credit downgrade hit the markets, the value of Sterling fell, causing British asset-values to take a substantial hit. But conversely, following stellar performances in Europe and the Premier League, Bale’s value in the last few weeks has sky-rocketed. City analysts are forecasting that at current rates of currency depreciation and scoring-Bale-appreciation, the Spurs favourite could soon be one of the most-valued productive assets in the British economy.  

That's good, but it doesn't create jobs.

ZEITguide…

What makes the perfect Attack Ad…

US TV channels are awash with a campaign of ill-conceived but extremely expensive attack ads, paid for by the National Rifle Association. The NRA hopes to make a lethal assault in its latest battle with common logic, as it wrangles with that most hideous of foe: the idea that civilians shouldn’t possess military weapons.  When confronting seemingly irrefutable logic, the most potent weapon in the hands of the moron in 2013 is the well-produced attack ad. When facts don’t help, just shout louder! ZEITguide takes a look at what makes the perfect logic-busting attack ad…

Sexy Graphics:
Possibly the most persuasive tool in the fight with reason is undoubtedly the use of mind-bogglingly-irrelevant but irresistibly-sexy graphics.  The NRA have outdone themselves with their recent effort, confirming the assertion that the use of sinister silhouettes should be actively encouraged.

Judicious use of the ‘boom’ sound effect:
The fact that a resonant ‘boom’ sound effect is a pre-requisite to all good attack ads is beyond discussion; it is nearly impossible to make impactful statements of a wildly illogical nature without them. The issue is the level of usage: too little and your ad risks resembling a tawdry attempt at slam poetry; too much and you ad’s soundtrack strays dangerously close to the realms of house music. Extremely ill-advised.

Pointless but effective comparisons:
Don’t dwell on the fact that there may be distinguishable differences between the President of the USA and a man working in Starbucks, or the entire population of Ecuador and a cat – if it’s going to make a statement, make that comparison!

End with a militaristic slogan:

The NRA have used ‘Stand up and fight!’ in their latest effort, which given the armed nature of their target demographic, is as relevant as it is exhortative. Notable successes from other organisations in the past are: ‘Put up or shut-up!’, ‘We shall overcome!’, ‘No surrender!’ and ‘Go fuck yourself!’

Attack ads can be the face of an organisation if required.

  

SUPERSTORM SANDY SMASHES AMERICA AS BARRY THE BREEZE MILDLY IRRITATES BRITAIN

The eastern-seaboard of the US was left reeling from the largest storm in recorded-history ever to hit the country. Superstorm Sandy has left an unprecedented trail of destruction, affecting some fifty million Americans and virtually paralysing the economy for three days. Meanwhile, Barry the Breeze is causing equal amounts of havoc in the UK, by blowing people’s hats off and causing umbrellas to go inside out.

“It’s like the end of the world out there,” said Hampshire resident, Phil McTackle, “There are leaves falling-off trees and no one is doing anything about it! What about our kids?”

The transport network in London was put under huge amounts of pressure by Barry the Breeze, as outer parts of the Central Line were crippled by six leaves falling on four-metres of track. Commuters tweeted of delays of up to two hours as TFL struggled to cope with the disaster.

“It was tough for us to get anyone out there,” said a TFL spokesman, shortly before entering a taxi, “Most of our maintenance guys were on their union-mandated compulsory four-hour lunch breaks, so we were a bit thin on the ground.”

In other parts of the country, families are coming to terms with the mild-annoyance caused by garden fences partially-collapsing, hanging-baskets falling on the floor, and free-standing birdhouses beginning to lean.

“I just don’t know how we’re going to cope,” said one homeowner from Hertfordshire, “it’s going to take me hours to clean this up.”

The Coalition government has responded in the only way it knows how: by announcing another round of swingeing cuts to public-services. David Cameron made a statement at a charity fundraiser (raising money for the advancement of ethnic majority children from over-privileged backgrounds) he was attending:

“The best way to cope with the marginal amount of disruption this has caused to the UK, is to cut the NHS budget by another 15%,” said Cameron, “unless we cut the deficit – with putatively discredited policymaking – Barry the Breeze will beat us!”

Chet realised his wife was not talking about her sister, when she said 'he was no match for Sandy'

ROMNEY-RYAN PRESIDENCY PROMISES ‘RIGID HAIRCUTS AND SQUARE JAWS’ IN US PUBLIC LIFE

At the Republican National Convention last week, life-long Mormon, business sadist and surreptitious salsa dancer, Mitt Romney formally accepted the Republican candidacy for this year’s Presidential election. As running mate Paul Ryan stole the show at the Tampa Bay Times Forum amidst a cacophony of whoops, whistles and handgun shots, Republican die-hards were promised a government which would show unflinching support to rigidly coiffured haircuts, and razor-sharp square jaws – even if that meant compromising on other areas of governance – like the consideration, drafting and implementation of actual policy.  

Republican supporters were wowed by Ryan’s movie star looks and impeccably kept hair – all of which proved to be sufficient compensation for Romney’s asparagus-like performance at the Convention on the same day.

“Oh he looked like a dream boat,” said a gushing Bobby-Sue-Raylene-Chester-Mary-Jesus McCafferty, a life-long Republican. “I don’t really know what he said, but oh-my-gosh he was so dreamy!”

It would appear that many in the Tampa Bay Times Forum had no idea what was said by Ryan or Romney – with most suggesting that their faultlessly preened appearances were the ‘takeaway’ messages from the Convention.

“I know some of those Democrats have been saying Ryan, was lyin’!” said another Republican supporter, “but I don’t care! Lying or no lying, policy or no policy, at least he don’t look like a damn ni….”

Neutral observers at last week’s proceedings were understandably disappointed at the lack of policy detail, particularly in light of Ryan’s reputation and assumed role as the Republican policy expert.

I love you Dad. I love you too son.

“Well, it wasn’t enough to say that their policy would be ‘awesome’, we were hoping for more details,” said an NBC reporter. “Still, even we had to say, Ryan and Romney did look quite marvellous.”

MISSOURI SENATE CANDIDATE TODD AKIN TO LEARN ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Missouri Senate candidate, Todd Akin, is at the centre of a political firestorm with denunciations and criticism scalding him from all quarters; following his bewilderingly stupid and incendiary remarks regarding rape, made earlier this week.

Akin, appearing in a Fox News interview, claimed that pregnancy ‘rarely’ occurs in incidences of rape; mostly owing to the ability of a woman’s body to ‘shut-down’ its reproductive capability when confronted with a ‘legitimate’ rapist. The comments quickly made Akin the subject of opprobrium from Democrats and members of the GOP alike; with Presidential candidate Mitt Romney immediately distancing himself from Akin, claiming that “The only Todd I know, is Todd Carty, who played the notorious rogue Tucker Jenkins in British teen-drama, Grange Hill.”

However, Akin was fortunate enough to receive sympathy from one group of people: the Surrogate Fathers of America, the charity that offers fathering and ‘buddy’ services to fatherless or orphaned children. In a statement released yesterday, the SFA have suggested that Akin’s remarks clearly show that his own father neglected to discuss ‘the birds and the bees’ with him, which has slowly but surely lead him to make such uninformed remarks.

“It’s about time that one of our Dads sat down with Todd, and had the talk,” said an SFA spokesman, “As his own father is long gone, we are happy to take on the task. After all, Toddy is a big boy now, running for the Senate and all.”

It has also been suggested that Akin would benefit from other refresher courses run by the SFA, such as: ‘Fire – It’s pretty but darn hot!’, ‘Sticks, stones and naughty words’ and ‘Big boys don’t wet the bed!’

The spokesman went on to say that they felt Akin was being harshly treated, notwithstanding his espousal of such disgusting views. 

“Dumb kids say silly things all the time,” the spokesman said, “We just need to have some more patience with Toddy, he’s still learning!”

Err, or just don't vote them in...

NICK GRIFFIN FOUND DEAD IN HIS HOME AFTER BRITISH ATHLETES TRIUMPH ON ‘SUPER SATURDAY’

Chairman of the British National Party and all round convivial fellow, Nick Griffin, was found dead in his home in Barnet on Saturday, following the glorious victories of British athletes on the much-celebrated ‘Super Saturday’.  The emphatic demonstration of the benefits of multiculturalism was too much for Griffin, who is said to have hung himself with a union jack scarf, in a room adorned with pictures of one-time Olympic 400m Silver medallist, Roger Black. Police also found hundreds of oil-paintings of Olympic Javelin Silver medallist, Steve Backley – several of which featured Backley in nude, semi-nude, or ‘homosexually-suggestive’ nude poses  - along with voodoo dolls of Daley Thomson and Fatima Whitbread.

Griffin’s wife was interviewed by Police and explained how the night of Griffin’s demise unfolded. She described how it had begun brightly, with news of the gold medals having been won earlier in the day in both the cycling and the rowing. Griffin was delighted with the victories; and most importantly, by the level of tan on the skin of the victors. Mrs Griffin told how her husband was so pleased by the cycling, he had moved his exercise bike in front of the television, and was riding along with the pursuit team, screaming: “Take that Diane Abbott!”

However, when events turned to the track and as Britain was plunged into a state of unprecedented delirium; Griffin’s mood began to turn sour. The highly anticipated coronation of Jessica Ennis as Olympic Champion in the Heptathlon 800m caused Griffin to fall off his bike, piling him into a heap on his living room floor. Griffin’s wife told Police how he screamed in anger: “I don’ think she’s attractive at all! I’ve only got an erection because I was sitting on that bike.”

Griffin discovers that the 'Mo' in Mo Farah is not short for Morris...

Griffin is said to have stormed off into another room in a complete rage. However a short while later, Greg Rutherford’s wonderfully unexpected success in the long-jump caused Griffin to re-emerge from his isolation. Sadly, Griffin’s resurgent mood was short-lived.

“All of a sudden I heard a yelp from the living room,” said Mrs Griffin, “I went into the living-room and saw that Mo Farah had won the 10,000m. Nick wasn't taking it too well.”

She then left him alone, hoping his seemingly insatiable rage would quell, but later returned to find the living-room empty - with Griffin having relocated to his ‘Special room’ and committed suicide.

The Griffin residence has been inundated with well wishes - with BNP party members kindly offering to plunder the rewards of debasing their former leader publicly for money; and neighbours and local residents showing their support by leaving piles of steaming faeces on the Griffins' front garden.