ZEITlies – Voxpop

A DISCUSSION ON PROPORTIONALITY WITH AN IDF SPOKESMAN

As bombs rain on Gaza and the Israeli Defence Force increases its efforts to redress sporadic Hamas rocket attacks, ZEITlies catches up with an IDF spokesman for a brief chat on proportionality…

(ed -  To IDF Lawyers… this is in fact a joke…)

ZEITlies:                      Hi there, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

IDF Spokesman:         It’s fine. Now talk.

ZEITlies                      Would you regard the current IDF offensive as a proportionate response to Hamas attacks?

IDF Spokesman:        Of course! What a stupid question. You don’t think I know what proportionate is?

ZEITlies:                     Well, what would you do if someone stole a hat from you?

IDF Spokesman:        A hat? MY HAT? I would take everything they owned! Everything! Their possessions, their family, their dogs, everything!

ZEITlies:                      Ok… maybe you like hats. What would you do if your partner slept with someone else?

IDF Spokesman:        She slept with someone else? I don’t believe it! I would sleep with every woman in Israel, every man as well if I had to! I would sleep with so many people there would be no one left for her to sleep with!

ZEITlies:                      Right, I wouldn’t say that was entirely equivalent… what would you do if someone punched you?

IDF Spokesman:        They punched me? Oh my god, no! I would take their hand, and then I would punch them in the head with it so many times, there would be a fist shaped hole in their head! Then I would take the head and I would…

ZEITlies:                     Ok, ok! I get it. So if you knew a Palestinian fired a rocket into Israel…

IDF Spokesman:        If they did that I would bomb every man, woman, cow, dog, cat and bird in that bloody place! It would be a desert when I was done! It would be a hole in the desert! There would every single grain of dirt on that strip will have been bombed at least five times!

ZEITlies:                     I see… proportionate.

IDF Spokesman:       Exactly! Now somebody fetch me something to beat this guy with!

IDF respond to a toddler with a pea-shooter.