MOTHS FINALLY ADMIT THE TRUTH: WE DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR CLOTHES, WE JUST LIKE PISSING YOU OFF

In a stunning revelation at a press conference held in front of a linen cupboard today, moths finally admitted what humans had long suspected: they don’t even like the taste of our clothes, they’re just doing it to piss us off. Furthermore, moths admitted that on most occasions when they gnaw a whole in your favourite cashmere jumper, they don’t eat the wool they simply spit it out, the damage already having been done.

“It’s basically the longest running joke ever,” said moth spokesperson, Moth Mothmoth, “Most of us started doing it back in the 1970s, when people started to wear flimsy sweaters. That’s when a well-placed hole can be quite hilarious.”

As moths’ statement reverberated throughout the human world, a torrent of anti-moth feeling surged on all forms of social media. Twitter erupted with violent and unashamed moth-abuse, and anti-mothism:

“@Sexxxxibabbbeee: Dem moffs can fuck off! The only hols I want in me top is where I put mi hed!”

“@HOtttguyy100: If I see a moth I’m gonna punch its face-in”

Shares in moth-killing product manufacturers rocketed, with Raid announcing they would be building factories to manufacture moth-killer immediately. It is widely understood that they have also applied to the UN to have the definition of genocide amended to exclude the widespread extermination of cheeky fucking moths.

Laughing their asses off.

ELECTION ROUND-UP

Tony Blair does Tory party huge favour by pledging full support for Miliband – Labour supporters were left stunned and horrified today, when former Prime Minister and Labour prodigal son turned satanic-bastard-child, Tony Blair, pledged his full support for Prime Ministerial hopeful Ed Miliband. Some Labour activists are predicting a bigger slump in Labour’s opinion poll ratings than when the National Union of Pedophile Racists pledged their support to Neil Kinnock in 1983. Conservative insiders are said to be rejoicing at their Millbank HQ, with one activist saying “this is better than the hundred thousand-quid ad with Penelope Keith that we had planned”.

Green party members admit, Natalie Bennett can’t make a sandwich without fucking it up – After another car crash radio interview where embattled Green party Leader Natalie Bennett forgot policies, principles, English and basic numeracy, many Green party supporters were left ruing their choice of leader. Brighton based Green party blogger, Ringo Peeso, admitted on his blog that he had rarely seen Bennett make a sandwich without fucking it up: “…with my very own eyes I saw her smear organic corn-fed cow butter all over my reclaimed railway wood work top, and when she cut the linseed bread sandwich in half, the one bit was way bigger than the other…”

Labour target British jihadists fleeing to join ISIS – The Labour party are pushing for greater postal vote participation in the territories controlled by ISIS, in an attempt to capture the votes of British jihadists that have travelled over to join the fighting. “We know that British jihadist generally vote Labour, which is why we are making such a firm push in ISIS,” said Billy Miner, “It’s rapidly becoming a Labour heartland, like the North used to be.”

Leaked secret documents show Lib Dem plans for a “Coalition of the Insane” with UKIP – In a bizarre twist to the Lib Dems’ already floundering election efforts, a secret document leaked from Lib Dem HQ has shown plans for an unthinkable coalition with UKIP, dubbed as the “Coalition of the Insane”. It is unclear whether the document was produced as a serious proposal, or whether it was simply drafted during the many hours of downtime at Lib Dem campaign HQ.   

Conservative party rules out anything logical taking place in the next parliament – An increasingly bullish George Osborne has effectively ruled out anything logical taking place in the next parliament, stating that the Conservatives would continue to aggressively cut the deficit, and nothing “not even prevailing logic” will stop them. His statement has been met by a chorus of cheers from party faithful, with William Hague adding that he “would rather see a food bank on every street corner than another penny on the deficit.” 

Natalie Bennett ponders her response when asked what her name is.