ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.

METEOROLOGISTS DEMAND ‘SCARIER NAMES’ FOR HURRICANES IN ORDER TO SUFFICIENTLY WARN PUBLIC

As hurricane season swirls its way into the Caribbean and the Western seaboard of Mexico, meteorologists are demanding that hurricanes are given scarier names in order to sufficiently warn the public of the terror they actually bring.

“Right now we got Patricia,” said Fox News weatherman, Chet Thunder, “Who the heck is scared of anyone or anything called Patricia. You can’t expect the public to take that seriously. I mean look what happened with Katrina? You name a storm after a figure skater and no one gives a shit!”

A concerned group of weathermen and women have gathered across social media to collate a list of hurricane names they felt would be of a sufficiently threatening nature such that the public would likely take them seriously. This list includes, names like “Vladimir”, “Adolf”, “Ivan” and “Darth Vader”, though the name hurricane “Robin Thicke” was excluded from the list, with many feeling such a name would only be threatening to women who enjoyed consensual sex.

“Just imagine the impact it would have on the news if the anchor was yelling Adolf is coming!” said Thunder, “It’s exactly the kind of weather communication we need at Fox News.”

It doesn't even look like a 'Patricia'. 

HUGE RISE IN NUMBER OF FAKE LAW FIRMS THREATENS TO EXPOSE THE UTTER FARCE OF REAL LAW FIRMS

Little known and barely used regulator of solicitors, the SRA, released figures revealing a 125% increase in reports of fake law firms made to them over the last two years. The SRA quickly looked to dispel allegations that such a rise was due to the fact they had installed a second phone, stating that the figures represented a worrying trend that was affecting even more worryingly stupid consumers.

“People can easily be duped by scammers masquerading as lawyers, the two groups are so difficult to distinguish at the best of times!” said SRA spokesman, Ivor Twotoo-Degry, “What we are urging consumers to think is, just because he says he’s a solicitor doesn’t mean he is. I mean, if he said he was a lion, would you believe him? No, you’d ask for some credentials.”

However, amidst the cries of concern at the plight of the consumer, petrified lawyers are closing ranks and administering spanks, fearing the prospect that fake lawyers may discover what a complete farce being a real lawyer actually is.

“What happens if they find out that we never draft anything? That we just tweak templates we get from PLC Corporate online?” said Hamilton Slax, a concerned partner of West End law firm, Cordoroy Slax LLP, “Or that we actually don’t know anything, we just Google it like everyone else. And then there’s billing…. dear God…”

Several Magic Circle firms are already thought to be lobbying the government to bring back the death penalty for ‘lawyering under falsehood with masquerade aforethought’, approaching all the major political parties in a desperate attempt to arse-cover in the run-up to the election. UKIP are thought to be considering the proposal, having already decided to bring back the death penalty for the proposed offence of ‘being Romanian’. 

I'm ruined.

GRANDMOTHER'S WORST TECHNOLOGICAL FEARS REALISED AS SHE DELETES THE INTERNET

Seventy-five year old grandmother, Ethel Biggut from Rotherham, realised her worst technological fears last Tuesday, when she accidentally deleted the internet whilst trying to locate a folder of photos on the laptop her son had given her.

“When my lad came and showed it to me, I told him I was worried I’d delete something important, like the internet,” said former primary school teacher and National Front membership secretary, Ethel, “And then the other day when I wanted to look at a photo of my granddaughter, instead of finding the folder on my computer, I ended up deleting the internet.”

A spokesman from Biggut’s internet provider, Slownet, said they investigated the incident and concluded that Ethel had simply deleted her web browser, and that the internet was in fact fine.

Senior citizens frequently mock penis sizes whilst chatting on Skype.

GELDOF REMINDS WORLD HE IS STILL ALIVE AND STILL GETTING WAY PISSED ABOUT AFRICA

To celebrate thirty years of his whining on a global stage, former Monday-hating Irish crooner Bob Geldof has decided to record another celebrity record in aid of suffering people in Africa. The outbreak of the Ebola virus was a crisis that was said to have met the “Four Pillars of Geldofian Intervention”: it was located in Africa, didn’t involve any fighting, the considerations of multiple stakeholders could be conveniently ignored and it was something you could make a ‘rockin’ tune about’.

“I’m fucking well pissed off about it man, that’s why I’m doing this” said Geldof, leaning on a medieval walking stick and clasping a globe in his other hand, “I mean, I can’t record a song about Africa all the time, so I have to pick and choose my moments, and of course I could think about the problems in other parts of the world but I really don’t give a shit… but I am fucking well pissed off about this man.”

Geldof’s supporters have hit back at accusations that his latest attempt at righting the injustices of the multitudes by recording a “catchy choon” is little more than the egotistical grandstanding of a bumbling old fool:

“Nah, it isn’t,” said an unnamed supporter.

In a surprising announcement following news of the new Band Aid record, UKIP released a press statement saying they will also be releasing a charity record, to commemorate the suffering of middle-aged xenophobic little-Englanders across the UK. Stars who have agreed to perform include former S-Club 7 member and long-time racist Jo O’Meera, former Big Break presenter and veteran bigot Jim Davidson and anti-immigrant rap-duo “Prejj U Dis”.

Geldof's audition shot for the Apprentice.

ART GARFUNKEL BELIEVES PAUL SIMON IS BEHIND THE GLOBAL EBOLA OUTBREAK

Legendary musician and one time partner in seminally important folk-duo of the sixties and seventies, Art Garfunkel, has spoken out on the issue of the Ebola virus, which is now spreading its way out of Africa and across the world like a marauding malevolence, seemingly unstoppable to the forces of good, rather like UKIP. Garfunkel believes that when applying the principal of Occam’s razor to the situation, given the virus' genesis in Africa and onward transmission to the West, it is most likely that Paul Simon is the man responsible.

“Everyone knows he goes to Africa all the time, exploiting those groovy people, it’s so sad, yeah so saaad, so sad I know, so sad I know….” said and then sang the sixties-warbler, “And then we know he travels a lot generally, I mean hello? It’s obviously him that’s spreading the damn thing.”

Paul Simon immediately responded to the accusations, calling them “fallacious and incredible” and adding that Garkfunkel was “little more than a raven-haired fantasist with peanut balls and a mushroom for a dick.”

As a precautionary measure, the US Government has quarantined Simon and his immediate friends and family, having already put down the oldest, fattest and most ‘dispensable’ members. Simon’s lawyers appealed the decision to quarantine Mr Simon and his family, but in an unfortunate verdict, the lawyers were also been sent into quarantine as a precautionary measure, leaving Simon in a dire situation.

Garfunkel: "Sometimes I swear you could smell the Ebola on him..."

SPORTS JOURNALISM HITS NEW HEIGHTS AS REPORTER TAKES DILDO IN EAR LIVE ON AIR

It was turned on as well...

EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT OF PEOPLE LIST NARCISSISM AS A HOBBY IN RECENT SURVEY

A survey conducted by polling organisation, GRE-CPol, which interviewed over ten thousand UK residents between the ages of sixteen and thirty, discovered that a staggering eighty-five percent of people now list narcissism as a hobby. Narcissism is now by far the most popular hobby amongst young people in the UK today, beating previous top hobbies ‘watching TV’ and ‘fucking about on the internet’ into second and third places respectively.

“Obviously we framed narcissism quite widely, to include more than just selfies,” explained GRE-CPol statistician, Stan Dardevyashan, “We included things like the recent ice-bucket challenge, most holiday snaps, and photos uploaded of third-parties in whose reflected glory the uploader seeks to bask in.”

The government’s opposition was quick to respond to the findings, blaming the population's growing infatuation with itself on the government’s agenda of privatisation, the deconstruction of the state and what 

Harriet Harman described was “proto-Nietschzian-facist misogyny” - after speaking to journalists gathered outside the International De-criminalise Paedophilia Conference (known by regulars as the DP Conference) where she was giving the keynote speech

Queen narcissist Lady Gaga later tweeted that she thought the survey was a “totally poo joke”, before moments later tweeting a picture of herself pouting, pushing her cleavage together and holding a cocktail with a rasher of bacon in it.

There's always time for a selfie.

SUE BARKER PUT ON SUICIDE-WATCH AFTER CLIFF RICHARD ABUSE ALLEGATIONS HIT THE MEDIA

BBC Sport presenter and all-round delightful lady, Sue Barker, has been put on suicide-watch following the revelation that the only man who ever got close to taking her heart (and her flower), could in fact be a kiddie-fiddler. The allegations that Clifford Richards, or Ciff Richards to his fans, may have been involved in the abuse of a young boy has shocked many the nation over (though no one who has seen a leather-clad Richards in his video ‘Wired for Sound’…) and is said to have sent Barker into the depths of despair.

“She just went into the garden and started hitting tennis balls all over the place, it was chaos,” said neighbour, Iris Tamicase, “Then she cleared the balls away and did some weeding, but she still looked awfully upset.”

Fellow BBC Sports presenters have been quick to offer their support:

“As soon as I heard the news about Cliff Richards, I thought, my God, how’s Sue?” said a concerned Gary Lineker, whilst applying himself with Ambre Solaire, “I just want her to know that we’re all thinking about her, and I hope the allegations aren’t true. Even though, let’s face it, if you’ve seen the video ‘Wired for Sound’, you know it’s probably true.”

Other showings of support for Sue were made on Twitter, with fellow Wimbledon presenter John Inverdale providing further encouragement:

@ExposedChest99: Sorry to hear abt #CliffRichards @SueBarker Lchin up, I’d still slap your touche anyday! And I’m not a paedo… technically #IWasSmashed

Gaby Logan also chimed in to buoy her BBC colleague:

@Gaby’Logz’Logan: Sorry to hear the news Sue. Stay strong! I guess you won’t be doing #Wimbledon next year @BBCCommissioning I’m available!

Sue never enjoyed the boy's doubles as much as Cliff.

DYSLEXIC MUSIC FANS ACCIDENTALLY PURCHASE TICKETS FOR GLASNOSTBURY

Thousands of dyslexic music fans were left bitterly disappointed after an online mix-up led them to purchase tickets for the wrong festival. Instead of buying tickets to the three day Somerset-based music festival ‘Glastonbury’, thousands of fans accidentally purchased tickets to the festival celebrating the mid-1980s Soviet policy of Glasnost hosted in Stockton, ‘Glasnostbury’.

“We were pleasantly surprised that so many young people today were interested in Gorbachev’s policy of openness and transparency”, said Glasnostbury spokesman Vladimir Burokratsky, lighting a cigar with a cluster of recently declassified documents, “Naturally, we were disappointed when we discovered they were actually trying to buy Glastonbury tickets. I don’t blame them though, Dolly Parton is marvellous.”

Disgruntled dyslexic music fans expressed their anguish on Twitter, with @Mucislover tweeting “Why was a mixup allowed to happne?”, and @Fesitvlagoer adding “I wnat my money bakc!”

One punter however, may have had tickets to both festivals from the off; as it was discovered that  former Soviet heavyweight supremo Mihkail Gorbachev was not only booked to speak at Glasnostbury, but was also reportedly heard discussing “getting off his face to Skrillex.” 

Mikhail loves it when the bass drops.

REBEKAH BROOKS DENIES PHONE-HACKING THE JUDGE AT HER OWN TRIAL

The disgraced former-editor of the News of the World has denied reports that she attempted to phone-hack the judge at her own trial, despite multiple allegations that she was seen asking for the judge’s number and then sneaking off into a toilet with two mobile phones. Brooks also denied being the former editor of the News of the World, being ginger, being a woman and being a raven-haired temptress of nefarious men.

Several jury members also reported concerns that Brooks may be attempting to carry out some form of surveillance activity on them whilst the trial is taking place. One member said that late at night, he saw Brooks outside his house - poorly disguised as Spongebob Squarepants - loitering menacingly and attempting to look through his windows.

“She wasn’t even dressed as Spongebob really,” said unnamed jury member Ronald Barclay, “She was just holding a little Spongebob in front of her face. With all that bloody hair you could tell it was her.”

Several of the Police team investigating the jury member’s claims ‘just happened’ to be in Chipping Norton all at once, and so gave a press conference from the Brooks residence.

“We will be thorough and diligent in our investigations,” said PC Woodley, seated in his brand new Porsche, “There is absolutely no suggestion that our impartiality will be compromised.”  

It would appear that the Brooks desire for megalomaniacal terror shows no signs of abating: despite denying any knowledge of the whereabouts of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370, Brooks was seen leaving the Old Bailey today with a Boeing 777-shaped suitcase, which appeared to be full. She is also yet to provide an acceptable alibi for the night of Bob Crow’s death.

Brooks sees another person whose phone she can hack.

GENERATION BROUGHT UP ON CALL OF DUTY SHITS ITS PANTS AT THE PROSPECT OF A REAL WAR

With Putin determined to slap his military wang all over the Crimean peninsula and beyond, a cowering world is forced to hold its breath as tensions between Russia and the West reach levels rarely seen since the days of Rocky 4. Despite reassurances that under no circumstances will NATO be seeking to tackle Putin’s wang, the prospect of all-out war has drifted like a malevolent fart over hoards of worried fighting-age men. For a generation brought-up fighting on video games like Call of Duty and Battlefield, the prospect of a real war is quite simply, shit-inducing. Across the country, young people have been expressing their concern.

“Well you don’t get to re-spawn,” said Terry Berry, a worried teenager from Barnet playing Team Deathmatch in his pants, “That’s a big problem right there. You get just one life! What the fuck? It would be over in two seconds.”

A secret-report drafted by consultants for the Ministry of Defence (leaked by those same consultants), has exposed deep fears that the current generation has totally underestimated what a real conflict would be like, as the following extract shows:

“Of principal concern is the prospect that if a youngster from today is put in a close-combat situation with an opposing soldier, it is very likely that he will decide to lie-down on the floor rather than stand and shoot, as is the prevalent practice in Call of Duty…”

The fears highlighted in the leaked-report appear to be well founded, with many youngsters struggling to understand that in the event of a war, they would be required to put on clothes and leave the house.   

“It would be shit if it was like all day, every day,” said Matthew Blanchard-Fenster, a student from Exeter, “I only like playing for like an hour or so, gets boring after that, so I just have a wank or something. Would I be able to do that in a real war?”

The Russian army however, has its own problems. Though less of its conscripts are as naïve to the prospect of armed conflict as their Western counterparts, many more are liable to waste their time and risk their lives filming outrageously dangerous videos for Youtube. As one Russian military spokesman commented, “With nukes all over the place and some skater-kids on amphetamines looking for a good time… it could get messy.”  

Tomorrow's general...

JUSTIN BIEBER TO BUNK WITH EDWARD SNOWDEN TILL SH*T CALMS DOWN

The teenage Canadian pop sensation is facing the wrath of the American public following a string of recent incidents showcasing his unmistakably bad-boy style. Drag races in Lamborghinis (though some witnesses say they were really Lamborghini races in drag), driving under the influence of drugs and assaulting limo drivers: Bieber’s unfettered desire to be the world’s greatest rouge and bounder shows no sign of abating.

Bieber’s self-imposed re-brand of himself, from being a pube-free teenage-girl tempter, to a steroid-fuelled, reverse-baseball-cap-wearing jack*ss, has caused much consternation in the American showbiz community.  Some are saying that it is only a matter of time before the juiced-up Canadian warbler has a showdown with another steroid-induced self-styled bad-boy, Shia Leboeuf. Tentative predictions from bookmakers suggest that in a fight, it is likely that both parties would come out losing. Leboeuf was unavailable for comment, recovering in hospital after a scuffle he had in London, where following the consumption of an entire half-pint of beer, he picked a fight with the front row of the Harlequins rugby team.

Understandably, Justin Bieber’s management team are keen to keep their star away from further trouble, and following news of a petition, comprised of 10,000 signatures, demanding Bieber’s expulsion from the US, his management team feel they have no option other than to take Bieber into hiding until “sh*t calms down.”

“Fortunately for us, everyone is a fan of Justin’s music, and Vladimir Putin is no exception,” a perma-tanned PR representative for Bieber commented, “Apparently he likes to listen to his album when he’s hunting shirtless, or riding horseback shirtless, or even attending the Kremlin shirtless. He was more than happy to accommodate Justin in his hour of need”.

Snowden's alternative to bunking with Bieber

The Canadian pop sensation will be whisked to the secret location in Russia where wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden is currently hiding. Snowden however, has reportedly not taken the news well. Immediately upon discovering his fate, he requested for a batch of ricin capsules to be sent to his quarters by the KGB, and is now said to be strongly considering extradition to the US, despite the severity of punishment that such a move would bring. 

ONE DIRECTION CANCEL NORTH KOREA TOUR FOLLOWING RODMAN INVESTIGATION

One Direction have been forced to cancel their upcoming tour of North Korea, following news that Dennis Rodman is to be investigated for breaking sanctions during his visit to Pyongyang. The North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-Un, is said to be heartbroken, having “waited ages” for the tour, and even getting a tattoo of teenage heartthrob, Harry Styles, on his right pectoral. However, the potential for punitive measures being taken against Rodman has put-off other prospective visitors, including pre-pubescent girl-bate super-group, One Direction.

The company managing One Direction’s tours, X-ploitatainment Productions, are equally disappointed, making the decision reluctantly after hours of pained deliberation. A spokesman for the company explained how they had prepared assiduously for the tour, visiting Pyongyang frequently to prepare venues, transporting enriched uranium to carry favours, and even educating the boy-band members in the basics of communist philosophy. The entire band were suitably brain-washed within fifteen minutes, but the process has been a little tough to reverse.

“Oh I totally get it now,” said Styles in a recent press-conference, “We can’t do this because of the international capital system and the dialectical materialistication. And decadence. And… yeah, that is all.” 

But whilst disappointment reigned, the spokesman for X-ploitatainment tried to put a positive spin on the situation.

“We haven’t given up on North Korea yet,” said the spokesman, “We plan to appeal to the UN as we hear Ban-Ki Moon is a massive fan, particularly of Louis and Zayn. We’ll probably throw together a little presentation for him, maybe get the boys to sing ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ whilst playing with their hair straighteners, you know, something awesome.”

Kim Jong-Un hears of One Direction's tour cancellation.

DIANE ABBOTT STARS IN HEART-BREAKING EPISODE OF CATFISH

The Labour MP Diane Abbott starred in a heart-breaking episode of the MTV series, Catfish, which was aired in the UK last week. The programme is the latest in a host of exploitative garbage - dished out like turds in baguettes -by the former music television company MTV, which aim to humiliate as much as possible, some of the stupidest people on earth. In Catfish, the show’s presenters investigate worryingly naive people’s online relationships with people they have never met before (normally because that person doesn’t exist, is not the gender they said they were, or suffers from Jerry-Springer-level obesity).

Dianne Abbott meets Catfish presenters Nev and Max

Abbott had contacted the show’s presenters, Nev Shulman and Max Joseph, concerning a six-month online relationship she was having with a twenty-three year-old unemployed Texan woman named Alicia. The former Shadow-Minister for Health had exchanged frequent love messages to her Texan girlfriend but had never met her face-to-face. After travelling to Texas to meet Alicia, the MP for Hackey North and Stoke Newington was horrified to discover that she had indeed been ‘Catfished’.

Upon meeting Abbott, Alicia – who appeared some twenty-stone larger than her Facebook selfies - burst into a furious tirade, denying ever feeling anything for Abbott and saying that the whole affair had been a ruse to extort money from her. The Cambridge-graduate and veteran parliamentarian was mortified; particularly in light of the six hundred dollars she had sent to Alicia believing it to be for a phone to call her on.

Diane Abbott is yet to recover.

Abbott’s Labour colleagues in the UK have expressed sorrow and regret at Abbott’s situation:

“I feel so bad for her, it could happen to anyone,” said Bethnal Green councillor Craig Kryponfactor, “Thing is, someone in her position should probably have known better. I mean come on! She hadn’t even seen her on webcam!”

To watch a clip of the show click here

MICHAEL GOVE ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ DRIVES A TANK DOWN BENEFITS STREET

Twenty-five people were taken seriously wounded following the destruction of twelve houses by tank shells, as Michael Gove - armed with a Challenger tank - went on an ‘accidental’ rampage down the now infamous James Turner Street in Birminhgam. Shortly after the divisive documentary ‘Benefits Street’ was aired on Channel Four, a tank was reported missing from an Army barracks in Birmingham. Twenty-five minutes later, as the street’s residents settled down to their vodka-WD40 nightcaps, all hell broke loose.

The Education Minister was adamant that the attack on the James Turner Street had nothing to do with the documentary, and instead was little more than an accident. He rejected the idea that he had even watched the documentary, “I was simply trying to defend an area I thought was in urgent need!” Gove said, slamming his General Jumbo comic on to the table, “However, some lazy working class people forgot to fix the tank and the bloody thing got away from me. That’s the only reason why the majority of Benefits Street, I mean James Turner Street, was completely obliterated.”

Leaked reports from Gove’s advisors however, paint a very different picture. As the documentary was about to be aired, Gove was said to have gone into his office and shut the door, intending on watching the programme in private. Moments later, a blood-curdling, sperm-killing screech was heard coming from the room.

“I was holding a glass and it smashed everywhere!” said secretary, Hillary Binton, “I loved that glass as well! It had my selfie on it! Stupid Michael Gove, why can’t he shout like everyone else?”

James Turner Street resident, Delicious Bentley, reported that Gove’s tank emerged at the top of the street with the hatch open, and Gove himself was looking out on to the street with his hands on the machine gun, dressed in a Cubs uniform complete with woggle.

“Then he just turned the turret towards the houses and bang! He smashed the place,” said Bentley, who was fortunate enough to have been evicted from her house by the council hours before the attack, “He had a maniac look on his face! I thought he was going to kill us all but it started raining so he went home.”

Channel Four have denied any responsibility for the incident, ignoring continued calls to pull the show that many have dubbed as ‘poverty porn’.

“What can we bloody do about Michael Gove?” said a Channel Four commissioning editor, “Last year he fired an RPG into a council estate because a working glass guy won The Apprentice; and no one is having a go at the BBC are they?”   

Michael Gove describes the sound of a tank to Prime Minister David Cameron.

ENGLAND CRICKET COACH ANDY FLOWER PUNCHES KEVIN PIETERSEN

Following one of the worst Ashes tours in history, things only seem to be getting worse for the England cricket team. In the latest chapter to the seemingly interminable saga, a long overdue bust-up between England coach Andy Flower and premier batsman Kevin Pietersen has finally resulted in the two men coming to blows.

The incident is said to have happened as the squad and management met for a debrief following the last defeat at Sydney. Those present said it wasn’t long before Flower and Pietersen were at each other’s throats.

“Who do you think you are? You look like Robbie Williams from the year 2000!” said a furious Andy Flower.
“At least I don’t look like the white-power leader from American History X!” replied Pietersen, spitting with rage, “Every time you talk it’s like listening to a serial killer’s confession you creepy twat!”

The England coach bit back, “Fuck you pal, at least I’m not married to the mannish one from Liberty X. How much is your wife benching these days?” Flower turned and gleefully high-fived David Saker.
“At least I can get a wife! Your cleft-lip makes you look like a kid from an Oxfam poster!” shouted Pietersen.
“Oh why don’t you go back to South Africa, no wait! It’s because they all hate you!” said Flower stepping towards KP.
“Oh why don’t you go back to your farm in Zim, no wait! It’s because Mugabe took it!” Pietersen laughed and looked to high-five a member of the team but was snubbed by all.

For Flower, the farm-jibe was the last straw, and he strode up to Pietersen and punched him square on the nose. The sight of Pietersen’s blood was said to have made Joe Root cry, but the England No. 3 has denied the allegation. 

Despite being a better batsman, Pietersen's 'Dr. Evil' was really shit.

NIGELLA’S DECISION TO RE-LOCATE TO THE US HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ITS PROXIMITY TO COLUMBIA

Nigella Lawson’s publicist, Henrietta Cheval-Bouche, issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced TV chef, explaining in full her recent decision to abandon her home country for a re-launch in the US.

“It’s just about business,” said Cheval-Bouche, after her seventh toilet break in an hour, “We have always wanted to crack the US market and the time for doing it is now. It’s nothing to do with the fact that the US is four thousand miles closer to the world’s largest cocaine producing nation. Nothing at all.”

Cheval-Bouche went on to explain that the frequent shuttle flights that Ms Lawson has made from New York to Bogota were because she was arranging a menu for a Columbian orphanage; and that the itinerary of her up-coming book tour which takes her to Mexico, Bolivia, Columbia, Peru, back to Columbia, then to Peru again, was purely driven by business concerns.

Following the revelations made by Ms Lawson during her time as a witness in the recent Saatchi trial, she has been quick to take flight and re-invent herself across the pond. This move has left many UK fans puzzled, who feel that the domestic goddess is still widely revered in her home country.

“Oh we just love her!” said a Nigella Fan Club member, “I don’t care if she has floated along on the trappings of privilege. Or if she admitted to taking class-A drugs in court and got away with it. Or if she’s a Marie-Antionette wannabe on Twitter. Hang on a minute…”

Channel 4 are among those still pleased as mustard with the chalk-faced, girdle-stretching TV Chef; with her new show set to debut to UK screens this week. “We think that everyone who deserves to be behind bars, also deserves to be on the telly!” said a Channel 4 Commissioning editor, spying on a local brothel, “We’ve got a new show for Rolph Harris coming this year, and a weekly video blog from that one-eyed bloke that killed those Policewomen!”

Introducing the latest panel addition to Channel Four's '8 out of 10 Cats'.

PHIL ‘THE POWER’ TAYLOR: “DOPING WAS MY LIFE.”

In a shock confession – very much in the manner of recently-disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong – the secret to Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor’s dominance over the world of darts for the last ten years was revealed to a stunned television audience. Whereas Armstrong took to Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel to make his confession, The Power disinterred his own dirty-deed in front of a captivated studio audience at The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Many have often wondered how Taylor has managed to remain in the optimum physical condition to play darts for such a long time:

“Everyone knows that The Power’s body is like a temple,” said Darts reporter, Tubbs Everley. “The Power has been in perfect condition for ages now and we always wondered how he managed to do it – well now we know.”

Taylor admitted to a participating in a systematic campaign of doping that lasted for over ten years. It began with small pills to increase his appetite being slipped into his pork scratchings; but it progressed to him eating whole turkeys basted in a steroid-enriched lard and drinking entire barrels of ale laced with performance-enhancing amphetamines. It reached a point where nearly all of Taylor’s food was fortified with some kind of banned substance, and as Taylor was normally eating for eighteen hours a day, The Power himself admits: “Doping was my life.”

The Power’s revelation has shaken the world of darts to its very core; with fights breaking out in the audience of The Jeremy Kyle Show as fans struggled to cope with their emotions. A single-mother from Walthamstow and a pensioner from Halifax were arrested following the fracas.

“The Power was my hero,” said an unnamed fan, consoling himself with twelve pints of lager and four meat pies, “I just don’t know how I am going to deal with this. If I don’t find myself a small guy to punch soon my dog is really gonna get it.”

Some bodies are just too good to be true.

I.O.S. UPDATE FROM APPLE INADVERTENTLY CAUSES I-PHONES TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

In another technological blunder from the ground-breaking but mildly-annoying tech-giant Apple, software updates issued for the I-Phone are inadvertently causing units to spontaneously explode; threatening to sever limbs, inflict burns and irreparably damage high-scores on Angry Birds. Four men were severely injured following a series of occurrences Wigan, where immediately following the download of an update onto an I-Phone, the unit spontaneously exploded.

“I didn’t even know why I needed the update,” said Perry Tratchett (one of the victims from Wigan), “and it took such a long time to download. When it eventually did, the bloody thing blew-up and took my finger off.”

It isn’t the first time that the mind-bogglingly useless and seemingly always to-be-downloaded updates have caused headaches for the California headquartered-company. Last year an update to the I-Phone’s IOS 5 software system, caused phones in Germany to permanently display an image of Cornish comedian 'Jethro' as the system wallpaper. The revised update that was hastily issued to remedy the public-relations catastrophe contained only a temporary fix; whereby Jethro’s face was replaced with a photograph taken from the 'Joy of Sex' manuals of the 1970s. This was warmly received in Germany, as was Jethro, who toured the country following a sudden burst in popularity.

Later on in 2012 an IOS update containing the new Apple maps function was laden with critical errors, resulting in several users of the map being lead dangerously astray. In November, an I-Phone user from Bromley was using Apple maps to find his local Argos, but a false reading of his GPS caused him to be mistakenly guided to Guantanamo Bay – where he was routinely water-boarded and subjected to sleep-deprivation; before being blindfolded, flown back to the UK, and released without charge.

Graham abandons Apple maps, realising he should've seen Big Ben by now.

It is rumoured that Apple are now looking at the entire practice of issuing updates, with many insiders believing the very principle of updates is contrary to everything Apple stands for.

“Apple is about churning out new technology all the time – and making sure that the consumer pays through their ass for it,” said an unnamed Apple employee from his bean-bag chair, “Free downloads that fuck stuff up have got to go!”