GELDOF REMINDS WORLD HE IS STILL ALIVE AND STILL GETTING WAY PISSED ABOUT AFRICA

To celebrate thirty years of his whining on a global stage, former Monday-hating Irish crooner Bob Geldof has decided to record another celebrity record in aid of suffering people in Africa. The outbreak of the Ebola virus was a crisis that was said to have met the “Four Pillars of Geldofian Intervention”: it was located in Africa, didn’t involve any fighting, the considerations of multiple stakeholders could be conveniently ignored and it was something you could make a ‘rockin’ tune about’.

“I’m fucking well pissed off about it man, that’s why I’m doing this” said Geldof, leaning on a medieval walking stick and clasping a globe in his other hand, “I mean, I can’t record a song about Africa all the time, so I have to pick and choose my moments, and of course I could think about the problems in other parts of the world but I really don’t give a shit… but I am fucking well pissed off about this man.”

Geldof’s supporters have hit back at accusations that his latest attempt at righting the injustices of the multitudes by recording a “catchy choon” is little more than the egotistical grandstanding of a bumbling old fool:

“Nah, it isn’t,” said an unnamed supporter.

In a surprising announcement following news of the new Band Aid record, UKIP released a press statement saying they will also be releasing a charity record, to commemorate the suffering of middle-aged xenophobic little-Englanders across the UK. Stars who have agreed to perform include former S-Club 7 member and long-time racist Jo O’Meera, former Big Break presenter and veteran bigot Jim Davidson and anti-immigrant rap-duo “Prejj U Dis”.

Geldof's audition shot for the Apprentice.