#ZEITbites

Politics

LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.

Sport

ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.

The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.

World

PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

FIVE TEST CRICKET CAREERS THAT WERE ANNOYINGLY CUT SHORT…

1.       Donald Bradman

The Don, the Big Man, Bradders (ok I made that nickname up, but it sounds good), is a cricketer that needs no introduction, but “bloke with nearly a hundred average” isn’t a bad place to start. Widely regarded as the greatest batsmen to play the game, he has an average that is the benchmark for all modern cricketers. But thanks to a lack of matches and a bloody world war, the little man from Cootamundra only played 52 tests. This is a fact that will constantly blight the Don’s otherwise astonishing batting average, but in a way which is utterly beyond his control!

2.       Vinod Kambli

It’s quite possible that many young cricket fans today won’t even know Vinod Kambli, but when he burst on to the scene against England in 1993, many were sure he was the next big thing. He was the other bloke who got more runs than Tendulkar in “that partnership” from school cricket, and in his third test match, he notched up a double hundred. He managed to repeat the feart in the very next game, but just thirteen matches later and Kambli’s test career was over in amidst a miasma of indiscipline and misapplication, leaving many Indian fans wondering what could have been…

3.       Marcus Trescothick

Ok, Trescothick played 76 test matches and ended up with a respectable average of over 43. But following a series of mental health issues and supposed marital problems (everyone knows the story about his wife…), the wonderfully explosive left-hander was forced into an early retirement from international cricket,  prematurely depriving the world of one of England’s most attractive batsman to watch in recent times.

4.       Greame Pollock

There are a number of Proteas players whose careers were truncated by the sporting boycott of apartheid South Africa, but Greame Pollock is arguably the greatest. He played the last of his 28 test matches against Australia in 1970, in a series that handed the Aussies their heaviest ever defeat. Pollock notched up a masterful 270 at Kingsmead, partnered by an equally explosive Barry Richards. The Proteas whitewashed the Aussies in the last series they would play in for over twenty years, and Pollock was reduced to playing county cricket - and the occasional rebel tour - for the rest of his career.

5.       Mohammed Amir

Even after the ban expires he’s still got years left in those legs, but boy was he plucked from the scene at his absolute prime. Part of the reason why the match fixing allegations in 2010 were so shocking, is that they concerned a young cricketer whose talent and ability had enthralled the cricket world. Here was an 18 year old kid who was swinging the ball with Wasim Akramian precision at ninety miles an hour, and he was only going to get better. Five years later and he is still to play another game…

6.       Jonathan Trott

Only kidding.

His career was too long, As was every one of his innings.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC LEFT DIZZY AFTER SMELLING A ‘VIRULENT FART’ ON COURT

World No. 1 and current Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic, was forced to stop his second round clash at the Rogers Cup in Montreal after catching a face-full of someone’s fart. Djokovic was visibly in discomfort and claimed he felt dizzy after catching a malevolent whiff of fart that had drifted on to Court No. 1.

“Can you smell that? It smells like boiled cabbage?” a teary eyed Djokovic complained to the line judge, “Somebody is farting, right here. It's unbelievable. It smells so bad I can’t concentrate.”

Djokovic’s opponent denied reports that he was seen eating a curry the night before, and offered to undergo testing to show he hadn’t farted at the time Djokovic broke down. The World No. 1 quickly recovered to win the match in straight sets, but rushed into his dressing room immediately upon the match’s conclusion to check if his eye brows had been singed.

In the press conference after the match, the Wimbledon Champion was more relaxed about the incident, but warned that controls need to be tightened to ensure such a thing didn’t happen again.

“They can’t expect us to play world class tennis when you are smelling farts and god knows what else,” said Djokovic, placing a needle into the kneecap of his Andy Murray doll, “I mean they got to stop all smells really, all sounds too. In fact, it’s about time that they just stopped letting people watch the games.” 

Djokovic is said to have seen his life flash before his eyes.

FEARS OF CLAIRE BALDING’S IMMINENT WORLD DOMINATION GRADUALLY SUBSIDE

The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.

PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....

CORRUPT ORGANISATION RE-ELECTS CORRUPT LEADER WHO IS SET TO DEFEND ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION

In the latest electoral disaster that has brought into question the very point of voting, scandal-ridden corruption-fest FIFA has bizarrely decided to re-elect President Sepp Blatter, in a move that some observers have described as “akin to grievous self-harm”.  Naturally, there are allegations of corruption in the election, which took place against a background of corruption allegations, against an organisation that many believe is corrupt and is headed by a man that even his mother thought was corrupt.

Blatter was understandably delighted at this latest display of his Stalinist grip on power, declaring to a rapturous crowd in Geneva: “I am your God!”

The US Department of Justice is said to be less than pleased with the result, with one unnamed investigator saying that US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, was heard screaming “What the fuck?!” when she was told the result.

“She just couldn’t believe it,” said the DOJ spokesman, “I mean he used corruption to get re-elected so he can defend allegations of corruption. He’s basically telling us to fuck ourselves.”

FA representative, Greg Dyke, was disappointed at the result, which he believes was a missed opportunity to reform the rotten organisation.

“I mean, with all them African countries in there we was never gonna win was we?” said Dyke, blithely munching on a Ginster’s pasty, “I mean what’s the bloody point of an election if everyone gets a vote? You end up with some cu…”

Blatter models himself on another of history's most amoral leaders.

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

3 REASONS WHY SHAPOOR ZADRAN IS COOLER THAN YOU

1.       He’s international

Shapoor is from Afghanistan, but like many of his generation, he fled his war-torn country and took refuge in neighbouring Pakistan. It was here that the baddest man on the planet learned to play cricket. But wait! There’s more… Zadran made his List-A debut in the Sri Lankan Premier Limited Overs competition for a club side called the Badureliya Cricket Club, who play their home games at a ground called the Surrey Village Cricket Ground in Maggona. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Surrey. International.

2.       He models himself on Shoaib Akhtar

Learning his cricket in a country with a rich tradition of quality fast bowling, Shapoor had plenty of idols to model his game on. But rather than look to the likes of Imran Khan, Wasim Akram or Waqar Younis, pace bowlers whose craft was finessed with precision and skill, Shapoor trained his eyes one man and one man only - the beast that was Shoaib Akthar. This was for one simple reason: he wanted to look awesome whilst bowling fucking fast. That meant growing your hair, beefing up in the gym and developing a stare which said “I am your Hell”.

3.       His son looks exactly like him

Nothing is more satisfying to a male human than spawning an off-spring which is a miniature cartoon of himself. Shapoor has managed just that. His six year old son is said to be a spitting image of his father, with flowing locks of black hair and a penchant for Shah Rukh Khan inspired fashion.

Zadran on his way to proving it only takes one man to stop a train.

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

5 REASONS WHY THE 2015 WORLD CUP IS THE SAME AS THE 2011 WORLD CUP

1.       It’s all about the batting

Many thought the size of the sub-continental stadiums, coupled with  local groundsmen that often moonlight as road layers, meant that the batting paradise of the 2011 World Cup was unlikely to be repeated in the bouncy, pacey, jumpy all together more leary environment of Australia and New Zealand. As the first phase of the competition nears completion, after twenty or so scores of over 300 and two scores of over 400, the 2011 competition seems like it was held on a minefield at Sabina Park.

The ICC are looking to curb the size of modern bats.

2.       Ireland aren’t that minnow

In 2011 when the Irish scalped the English many thought it was a flash in the pan. After all, what could a team like Ireland do, whose best players are kidnapped to play for nasty old England as soon as they become good. Four years later, after notching up an impressive win against the West Indies and showing a darn sight more fight than their erstwhile masters, the Irish have once again showed, they aren’t that minnow after all.

3.       Pitches are pancake like at worst

Notwithstanding English batsmen’s ability to make good wickets look like horror shows, the tracks in New Zealand and in particular, Australia, have been as flat as they were in the 2011 tournament in the sub-continent. Sadly, it seems that the days of sporty wickets in ODIs are largely gone – regardless of what Peter Moores said after the New Zealand game.

4.       England lose to Bangladesh

Never again would the embarrassment of the 2011 exit to Bangladesh be repeated, proclaimed a mournful and repentant ECB as the last competition drew to a close. Four years, two re-scheduled Ashes tours, and six-months of unbroken ODI cricket later, the English are once again licking their wounds after another embarrassing knock-out to Bangladesh. A leopard may change its spots, but England will always get tonked in World Cups.

A regular feature of the modern day World Cup.

5.       India are right there again…

Fine, they won it in 2011 because it was in their backyard. Who couldn’t win a World Cup if it was in their own backyard? I scored 300 against my brother and mum in my own backyard, and I was only 11. Sure they had the best team and looked the most dominant side, but it’s because it was in their own conditions, right? Well, with maximum points after the first five games of the 2015 tournament, it seems like they might be able to do it in foreign conditions too…   

5 REASONS WHY THE 2015 WORLD CUP IS DIFFERENT TO THE 2011 WORLD CUP

1.       Scoring 300 doesn’t mean you’re hard anymore…

When India lifted the trophy in Mumbai 2011, the losing Sri Lankan captain, Kumar Sangakkara, ever graceful in defeat, suggested even a total of 300 wasn’t safe from batting line-up like the India’s, evoking the idea of 300 being a mythical total that only the very best could attain. You had to be hard to get 300. Not anymore pal, 300 means you can play. 400 means you’re hard.

2.       New fucking Zealand!

Aside from assuming the role of obligatory beneficiary to South Africa’s choking in 2011, New Zealand were largely absent from the last competition. This time however, with a captain jacked up on Maxi-Muscle, impressive bowlers and fervent support from the home crowd, New Zealand look like world beaters.

This time they mean buznuss in the crikut...

3.       Left-arm seamers are hot shit

In 2011 it seemed to be the tournament of the slow dobbler and the rolling dabbler, who would eat up deliveries in the middle overs and suck the life out of an opposing batting side. As a welcome change, 2015 has seen the resurgence of left arm seamers steaming in from over the wicket and generating that often elusive dimension in modern cricket, pace. Starc and Johnson are potent for a strong Aussie side, whereas the giant Irfan forms a dangerous partnership with Rahat Ali for Pakistan. Alistair Cook must be thanking his lucky stars that he isn’t there.

4.       Sachin Tendulkar isn’t there

For the first time since 1987, Sachin Tendulkar isn’t at the World Cup. In 2011, he had a middling tournament, notching an imperious hundred against South Africa in the group stages and 85 to help India past Pakistan in the semis. But when his team lifted the trophy in the final, it was declared to be a win for him. This time, the little master is nowhere to be seen and one would hope that any victorious Indian team would refrain from wheeling him out. Funnily enough, that weird bald man who paints himself green and orange with the word ‘Tendulkar’ on his chest is still there.

He's still there... obviously.

5.       We now know what ‘keys to success’ are…

They brought us myriad innovations with Packer’s World Series Cricket, including the very notion of coloured clothing that is now so unmistakable when thinking of ODI cricket today. Now the Aussies are at it again, giving us illuminated stumps from the Big Bash, sexy real time graphical things called ‘hitzones’ and a whole bunch of weird statistical crap called ‘keys to success’, which may as well be called, ‘fucking obvious statistics’…

SUE BARKER PUT ON SUICIDE-WATCH AFTER CLIFF RICHARD ABUSE ALLEGATIONS HIT THE MEDIA

BBC Sport presenter and all-round delightful lady, Sue Barker, has been put on suicide-watch following the revelation that the only man who ever got close to taking her heart (and her flower), could in fact be a kiddie-fiddler. The allegations that Clifford Richards, or Ciff Richards to his fans, may have been involved in the abuse of a young boy has shocked many the nation over (though no one who has seen a leather-clad Richards in his video ‘Wired for Sound’…) and is said to have sent Barker into the depths of despair.

“She just went into the garden and started hitting tennis balls all over the place, it was chaos,” said neighbour, Iris Tamicase, “Then she cleared the balls away and did some weeding, but she still looked awfully upset.”

Fellow BBC Sports presenters have been quick to offer their support:

“As soon as I heard the news about Cliff Richards, I thought, my God, how’s Sue?” said a concerned Gary Lineker, whilst applying himself with Ambre Solaire, “I just want her to know that we’re all thinking about her, and I hope the allegations aren’t true. Even though, let’s face it, if you’ve seen the video ‘Wired for Sound’, you know it’s probably true.”

Other showings of support for Sue were made on Twitter, with fellow Wimbledon presenter John Inverdale providing further encouragement:

@ExposedChest99: Sorry to hear abt #CliffRichards @SueBarker Lchin up, I’d still slap your touche anyday! And I’m not a paedo… technically #IWasSmashed

Gaby Logan also chimed in to buoy her BBC colleague:

@Gaby’Logz’Logan: Sorry to hear the news Sue. Stay strong! I guess you won’t be doing #Wimbledon next year @BBCCommissioning I’m available!

Sue never enjoyed the boy's doubles as much as Cliff.

FOUR HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE SPOTTED IN BELA HORIZONTE

Following Brazil’s six goal trouncing at the hands of the marauding Germans, Brazilian football fans’ worst fears were confirmed late on Tuesday night as the four horsemen of the apocalypse were spotted cantering through the streets of Bela Horizonte. As many had predicted - whilst watching their heroes take more of a beating than prisoners at Guantanamo – it really was the end of the world.

“Our defence was penetrated three times in six minutes,” said shocked Brazilian pundit, Paolo Nascimento de Rubiano, or ‘Frank’, as he is known, “It was like watching a porno movie. To be turned into porn is the worst humiliation. It’s all over now.”

With news of the end of the world spreading like wild fire across grieving households all over Brazil, rioting broke out in a number of towns including Bela Horizonte, where crude effigies of David Luis where ceremoniously burnt, with hoards of beautiful people surrounding the fires and dancing and having sex to irresistible samba music.

“It’s totally the end of the world. When the beauty of Brazil has faded so much that it makes the Germans appear aesthetic, you know the end is nigh,” a Brazilian journalist commented, “But in Brazil, the end of the world is music and dancing and passion! It’s carnival! So it’s not all bad.”

Three horse-persons and a bloke in a horse head

ZEITlies Book Reviews:
SPORTS BOOKS

If you have been watching sport at all in the past week, you may enjoy some of these new publications…

“The Spirit of Football” by Lee Dixon – The former Arsenal defender extols the virtues of “never divin’ or cheating” and always doing your best to be an “honest fella on the football field”. The book is also intended to serve as an instructional manual for children and a hate-filled polemic against Patrick Viera, with chapters on "Playing fair" and "Fair play".

“The Spirit of Football is Dead” by Patrick Viera – The former Arsenal midfielder extols the virtues of the modern game, rationalising that diving, cheating, bribing and all out skulduggery are quite simply “part of the game”. Viera’s book is intended to serve as an instructional manual for children, with chapters on “How to be dirty” and “How to be jammy”.

“The Gentleman’s Cricket Handbook” by Rangana Herath – The Sri Lankan spin bowler proved himself to be a true gentleman by giving his wicket away to hosts England when the recent test match hung in the balance. In his new book Herath reveals more gentlemanly tips and tricks that are also not complete misunderstandings of the Laws of the Game.

Herath graciously sends the batsman back after clean bowling him.

SPORTS NEWS ROUND-UP

Rio Olympic Committee look to IKEA for answers– The beleaguered Olympic Committee have sought the help of Swedish flat pack shoe rack champions IKEA, in attempt to find a quick fix to bring the frighteningly-behind building plans back from the brink. With only ten percent of the scheduled building works completed, Rio officials hope IKEA’s flat pack magic can conjure a answer to their prayers, with enquiries made about purchasing a flat pack stadium, velodrome, aquatic centre and athlete's village.

Manchester United consider Nigel Farage for the manager’s position – With shareholders at the club expecting fan numbers to drop by up to 98 percent if current form continues, the board is apparently considering “every populist strategy that you could ever conceive” in a desperate attempt to win back morsels of public affection. One United insider commented, “It’s just about getting bums on seats. Nigel does that these days… even if he is a bit of a twat.”

Kevin Pietersen prays for Sri Lankan win at temple in New Delhi – After failing to score runs on the pitch for much of this year’s IPL, Pietersen is at least making some use of his time in India, after he reportedly said a prayer for Sri Lanka at a temple on the outskirts of New Delhi. So eager was Pietersen to pray for a Sri Lanka win in the upcoming one-day and test series with his former side England, he is reported to have asked a taxi driver to take him to the nearest available temple. “He said he didn’t care about the religion, it just had to be old, and holy,” said Taxi driver, Sanju Gulmachi, “I couldn’t find a temple or a mosque so I took him to a nice restaurant and he prayed in front of the Ganesh statue in the foyer. Then he had a butter chicken with two pieces of naan.”

Barry loves Sumo because of the way it makes him feel.

Secret government report slams the chances of English Sumo -wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup – Following the leaked government document which scoffed at England’s chances in the upcoming football World Cup, another stolen memorandum has comprehensively slammed the chances of English Sumo-wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup in Frankfurt. But the English Sumo community has been oddly quiet in response to the government’s grim assessment of their chances. One unnamed insider did comment: “It’s because we are shit, everyone already knows this. We’re English Sumo wrestlers for f**ks sake.”  

SPORT NEWS ROUND UP:

·         ECB do the world’s bowlers a favour by dropping Kevin Pietersen – The Stalinist management of the England Cricket Team have decided to respond to their recent 5-0 drubbing in the Ashes by dropping their best batsmen. If they fail to register wins on their upcoming tours, the side’s best bowler, Stuart Broad, is also likely to be dropped; and if that doesn’t bring the desired result, batsmen will have their bats taken away and bowlers will have to wear lead-weighted boots.

·        Rafael Nadal’s right arm sues left arm for lost earnings – The tennis ace’s much smaller right limb is suing the much more burly left for lost earnings from arm-modelling contracts that have been awarded exclusively to the left. Lawyers for the right arm argue that the left would scarcely be as burly – and thus marketable to arm enthusiasts across the world - were it not for the continuing efforts of the right. Nadal’s right and left pectoral reached a settlement in similar contentious proceedings last year.

Man United's new Scotland kit

·         Manchester United boss David Moyes denies he is living out his dream in their new away kit – The struggling Premiership manager denies any suggestions that the new kit is a poor approximation of the Scotland kit, stating that all decisions regarding the kit were taken by the manufacturer. Some United insiders however are not convinced, particularly in light of his plans to rename Old Trafford to ‘Old Hampden Park’, and to play ‘Flower of Scotland’ before matches.

·         IOC to clamp down on curling-related-violence at Sochi 2014 – Following an outbreak of violence at recent pre-Winter Olympic curling matches, the IOC is keen to ensure such behaviour doesn’t take place at Sochi. A recent tournament in Finland saw viscous fighting breaking out between several of the teams competing. Norwegian curler Gunnar Thensom hurled a stone at his Swedish counterpart Sven Svensson, before chasing him with a broom for twenty minutes. He was eventually hauled away by security staff shouting “Your ass is mine Svensson! Mine!”

The worrying phenomenon of curling rage.

ENGLAND CRICKET COACH ANDY FLOWER PUNCHES KEVIN PIETERSEN

Following one of the worst Ashes tours in history, things only seem to be getting worse for the England cricket team. In the latest chapter to the seemingly interminable saga, a long overdue bust-up between England coach Andy Flower and premier batsman Kevin Pietersen has finally resulted in the two men coming to blows.

The incident is said to have happened as the squad and management met for a debrief following the last defeat at Sydney. Those present said it wasn’t long before Flower and Pietersen were at each other’s throats.

“Who do you think you are? You look like Robbie Williams from the year 2000!” said a furious Andy Flower.
“At least I don’t look like the white-power leader from American History X!” replied Pietersen, spitting with rage, “Every time you talk it’s like listening to a serial killer’s confession you creepy twat!”

The England coach bit back, “Fuck you pal, at least I’m not married to the mannish one from Liberty X. How much is your wife benching these days?” Flower turned and gleefully high-fived David Saker.
“At least I can get a wife! Your cleft-lip makes you look like a kid from an Oxfam poster!” shouted Pietersen.
“Oh why don’t you go back to South Africa, no wait! It’s because they all hate you!” said Flower stepping towards KP.
“Oh why don’t you go back to your farm in Zim, no wait! It’s because Mugabe took it!” Pietersen laughed and looked to high-five a member of the team but was snubbed by all.

For Flower, the farm-jibe was the last straw, and he strode up to Pietersen and punched him square on the nose. The sight of Pietersen’s blood was said to have made Joe Root cry, but the England No. 3 has denied the allegation. 

Despite being a better batsman, Pietersen's 'Dr. Evil' was really shit.

PUTIN FAVOURITE FOR GOLD AT EVERY SINGLE EVENT AT SOCHI 2014

Russian bookmakers have announced today that Vladimir Putin is the favourite for every single event at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. Despite not entering any of them, bookmakers still feel that the Russian President and despotic hall-of-famer is a shoe-in for all the events at the 22^nd Winter Olympics, with the lowest odds being offered for the four-man bobsleigh, which Putin is known to be a dab hand at.

“He is such great athlete,” said bookmaker Mikhail Kutminekov, prodded slightly by the Kalashnikov rifle in his back, “And such an inspirational man… who is so handsome and strong… and definitely not a Machiavellian despot… can I see my family now?”

Across the globe the news has been met with a mixed reaction from athletes and officials alike. British downhill skier Shemmy Polpott has expressed particular concern, stating at a press conference that her whole game plan may have to change:

“The whole thing changes now. I thought the lead contender would be a 24 year-old Austrian woman with a pink-blush pretty face but unerringly large thighs, but instead it’s a 61 year-old balding Russian man, who likes targeted assassinations and geo-political blackmail. Totally different ball game.”

Surprisingly, news was poorly received in one country not normally associated with the Winter Olympics. Bookmakers in India were said to be extremely upset at the revelations from Russia, declaring that it is completely unfair that they will now be unable to fix the outcome of any of the events in Sochi 2014.

“I don’t believe it!” said Bangalore bookmaker Rajesh Bakshish, impersonating his favourite TV character, “How can we compete? I didn’t know Putin was so good at everything! Though once I saw him ride a horse whilst shirtless and shoot a rifle one-handed. It was pretty fucking cool.”

Training the only way he knows how: by hunting dissidents 'n' Chechens.

OSBORNE: “THE ECONOMY MAY BE BUST BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE GARETH BALE!"

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has made an extraordinary plea to Welsh wing-playing wizard, Gareth Bale, in the wake of credit agency Stroppy & Co.’s downgrading of the nation’s AAA credit rating to AAA- ; and the accompanying titular insult of its downgrading of ‘Great Britain’ to ‘Britain’. George Osborne has declared that despite grimly-morbid external assessments of the country’s economic health, he’s putting his money on the Tottenham ace to ‘Bale’ the country out of trouble.

“He has done it for Tottenham on countless occasions this season and there is no reason why he can’t do it for Britain!” the Chancellor said, in a statement made to press at the International House of Arseholery, “Come on Gareth! We need you to Bale us out!”

The twenty-three year old midfielder is said to be none-too-pleased with the sudden demands for him to rid a nation of sixty million people of its macro-economic ills. With the crucially-important North London derby against Arsenal this weekend to prepare for, Bale understandably has other concerns on his mind.

“I’m already taking a whole team to the fucking Champions League,” said Bale, casually chipping a football into a rubbish bin from eighty metres, “I can’t sort out a whole country’s economy as well! Why don’t they ask Mo Farah or someone?”

As news of Britain’s credit downgrade hit the markets, the value of Sterling fell, causing British asset-values to take a substantial hit. But conversely, following stellar performances in Europe and the Premier League, Bale’s value in the last few weeks has sky-rocketed. City analysts are forecasting that at current rates of currency depreciation and scoring-Bale-appreciation, the Spurs favourite could soon be one of the most-valued productive assets in the British economy.  

That's good, but it doesn't create jobs.

TOWIE CAST MEMBERS DENIED THE RIGHT TO COMPETE AT THE PARALYMPICS

TOWIE cast members have been denied the right to participate in the Paralympics - according to sources close to the ignoramus collective -  following a last ditch effort to meet qualification standards.

To the disappointment of pouty morons across the South-Eastern county, Paralympic organisers have confirmed that monumental amounts of stupidity does not technically constitute a qualifying disability. This is in spite of the fact that the repercussions of such a condition can often be far worse than for some of the conditions that qualify as disabilities for the Paralympic Games. This is exhibited by the shocking statistic that TOWIE cast members electrocute themselves an average of 3 times per day – often with the same ‘child friendly’ device; and also that three female cast members have been rushed to hospital in recent months for the inserting of tampons into the incorrect orifice. It was stories like these which prompted the show’s producers to seek entry for the cast in the Paralympic Games, claiming “it is clear that being an idiot is far more of a disability than being an amputee or having some kind of palsy.”

Amy Childs, the raven haired, silicone-chested pillar of vacuousness, was particularly disappointed at not being allowed to compete, having overcome significant intellectual deficiencies to post a qualifying time.

“When she first started training, it took us two or three weeks to get her to run the right way around the track,” said one disgruntled athletics trainer. “Thereafter, the main struggle was to try and get her to run ten metres without stopping to pose, pout and push her boobs together. That took fucking ages.”

More valiant efforts were made by athletics trainers on the field, particularly in trying to stop TOWIE male cast members from creating phallic symbols using two shots and a javelin.

It has been claimed that TOWIE producers and cast members though disappointed, are not too disheartened; hoping that four more years of unabated stupidity may cause the kind of accident which could create a ‘genuine’ qualifying condition for the Rio 2016 Paralympics. 

It took over two hours to get them to stand like this....

TEAM GB GOLD HAUL BRINGS CALLS FOR THE RETURN OF BRITISH IMPERIALISM

Following the plunder of yet more gold-medals at the London 2012 Olympic Games by Team GB, policymakers and lobbyists alike are calling for the triumphant return of British Imperialism. The Team GB medal tally currently sits at twenty-two golds; the highest number of gold medals won by a British team since the Olympics of 1908, also held in London. This fact has not gone unnoticed, with many now declaring the unquestioned superiority of the people of these Isles. Back in 1908, Britain was a major imperial power, with its territories and protectorates covering large swathes of the planet – a stark comparison to the Britain of today. However, the tiny island nation’s remarkable success at this year’s Games has stoked the imperialist fires of people across the country - with many saying that it’s time to take the world back.

“I think we have to get out there and start building up an empire again!” said Foreign Secretary William Hague, “The Games have made it clear we British are just so marvellous, we need to expand. This time all the subject peoples are bound to know that it’s for their own good.”

Hague is not alone in holding a burgeoning imperialistic ambition. It has been reported that the Home Office and the Treasury have commissioned studies into the economic modelling required to build an empire based entirely on cycling and rowing. It is understood that these industries will be used to ‘civilise’ the locals into the British way as quickly as possible, as well as providing furtive markets for British companies.  It is also hoped that this will create a pipeline for future Olympic champions in these sports.

This time they're bringing bikes....

Reports of British Imperialist ambition have been heard in many former colonies. Indian government spokesman Vaj Payme expressed his concern at his country’s erstwhile colonial masters’ ambitions.

“This is looking pretty worrying for us, they can get a bit greedy when they are confident,” said Payme, accepting bribes with both hands as he spoke, “The thing is - we hardly won any medals, so when they come here, what can we say?”

In many former-colonial countries, significant portions of the civil service and political apparatus that operate today were indeed inherited from the British; causing civil service mandarins in this country to stress the ease at which Britain can take back its old colonies.

“In most cases we just need to find the old hand-books and manuals,” said Gus O’Connell, “Oh, and make sure that we can get hold of plenty of pink-gin once we get there.”

NICK GRIFFIN FOUND DEAD IN HIS HOME AFTER BRITISH ATHLETES TRIUMPH ON ‘SUPER SATURDAY’

Chairman of the British National Party and all round convivial fellow, Nick Griffin, was found dead in his home in Barnet on Saturday, following the glorious victories of British athletes on the much-celebrated ‘Super Saturday’.  The emphatic demonstration of the benefits of multiculturalism was too much for Griffin, who is said to have hung himself with a union jack scarf, in a room adorned with pictures of one-time Olympic 400m Silver medallist, Roger Black. Police also found hundreds of oil-paintings of Olympic Javelin Silver medallist, Steve Backley – several of which featured Backley in nude, semi-nude, or ‘homosexually-suggestive’ nude poses  - along with voodoo dolls of Daley Thomson and Fatima Whitbread.

Griffin’s wife was interviewed by Police and explained how the night of Griffin’s demise unfolded. She described how it had begun brightly, with news of the gold medals having been won earlier in the day in both the cycling and the rowing. Griffin was delighted with the victories; and most importantly, by the level of tan on the skin of the victors. Mrs Griffin told how her husband was so pleased by the cycling, he had moved his exercise bike in front of the television, and was riding along with the pursuit team, screaming: “Take that Diane Abbott!”

However, when events turned to the track and as Britain was plunged into a state of unprecedented delirium; Griffin’s mood began to turn sour. The highly anticipated coronation of Jessica Ennis as Olympic Champion in the Heptathlon 800m caused Griffin to fall off his bike, piling him into a heap on his living room floor. Griffin’s wife told Police how he screamed in anger: “I don’ think she’s attractive at all! I’ve only got an erection because I was sitting on that bike.”

Griffin discovers that the 'Mo' in Mo Farah is not short for Morris...

Griffin is said to have stormed off into another room in a complete rage. However a short while later, Greg Rutherford’s wonderfully unexpected success in the long-jump caused Griffin to re-emerge from his isolation. Sadly, Griffin’s resurgent mood was short-lived.

“All of a sudden I heard a yelp from the living room,” said Mrs Griffin, “I went into the living-room and saw that Mo Farah had won the 10,000m. Nick wasn't taking it too well.”

She then left him alone, hoping his seemingly insatiable rage would quell, but later returned to find the living-room empty - with Griffin having relocated to his ‘Special room’ and committed suicide.

The Griffin residence has been inundated with well wishes - with BNP party members kindly offering to plunder the rewards of debasing their former leader publicly for money; and neighbours and local residents showing their support by leaving piles of steaming faeces on the Griffins' front garden.   

TWITTER RACIST JAILED FOR CALLING FOOTBALLER A ‘BUM FACE’

In a turbulent day at the Thames Magistrates Court in London, racist Twitter user Enoch Jowell was handed down a six-month custodial sentence for repeatedly calling Chelsea defender, Ashley Cole, a ‘bum face’.

Jowell, a sheet metal-worker from West Bromwich, ‘tweeted’ Mr Cole on more than twenty occasions calling him a ‘bum face.’ Mr Cole is understood to have been so distraught by the campaign of harassment; he was barely able to commit any marital infidelities during this time.

Lord Justice Curmutheonley-Stein  described Jowell’s actions as “a disgusting outburst of racist vitriol”. He added: “you have clearly and with due calculation, sought to undermine Mr Cole’s confidence with your use of such slurs, which were undoubtedly of a racial dimension.”

Jowell was unavailable for comment, but colleagues at the sheet-metal plant in West Bromwich where he was formerly employed, spoke at length about Mr Jowell’s character.

“We always suspected he was a violent racist,” one colleague said, removing his flat cap as a sign of respect to Cole, “he’s always eating white bread, drinks white coffee whilst he wears a white shirt – it’s too obvious.”

Mr Cole, speaking after the hearing, was in a triumphant mood:

 “I have always said that calling me a bum face, or a twat face, or a dick face or anything else to do with my face, is just plain racist,” he said, as he groped his way through a bevy of underage girls, “Just stick to talking about football – unless you say I’m shit, in which case you’re probably racist.”