SARAH PALIN PLEDGES ALASKAN INVASION OF RUSSIA IF PUTIN GOES TOO FAR

Former vice-presidential candidate and now increasingly bewildered Alaskan rant-lover, Sarah Palin, has vowed to invade Russia across the Baring Straits bordering Alaska, should Vladimir Putin extend his military designs beyond the Crimea. Palin, issuing a statement hours after her breast enhancement surgery – where her breasts were implanted with high calibre rifles – promised to unleash the full force of a state apparatus she has absolutely no control over.

“Gee, we’ll send our huskies, and we’ll hit’em square on the nose with our hockey pucks!” said Palin, astride the corpse of a freshly slain moose, “Golly, our first battalion hockey-mom brigade sure ain’t scared of nukes! They have no idea what they are!”

Palin’s typically hermitic ramblings have aroused no attention at all from people with actual work to do, but Tea Party activists and far-right bloggers have been in raptures at her latest outburst.

“This is exactly why we like her, she don’t take sh*t from no one!” commented on blogger, Tazer Pepperspray, “Who cares if Putin obliterates her, it’s better than sitting and doing nothing… like bunch of lazy…”

The newly formed Moms Against Putin, or MAP for short, is a coalition of concerned American mothers, all of whom share a deep-seated fear of Vladimir Putin. Palin has proved to be nothing short of messianic for MAP’s members:

“In every generation, there is a chosen one. A person who will stand up, fight against oppression and tyranny, speak for ordinary people, and kick the a** of that turd Putin!” said MAP founder and lifelong Putinphobe, Beverley Sisters, “What the esteemed Ms Palin said today confirmed that for Mothers Against Putin, she is the chosen one.”

Though Moscow has remained silent over the Palin's valium-and-insanity fueled ramblings, some insiders have suggested Putin was pleasantly surprised. It has been rumoured that Putin has emailed pictures of himself to Sarah Palin, where in typically shirtless fashion, the Russian premier is seen standing over the corpse of a moose, holding a still-smoking rifle and smoking a cigar. Whether or not Ms Palin has replied is currently unknown. 

Sarah Palin, moments before the man in front of her is killed by way of manslaughter.