WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Strauss-Kahn sex-tape found at Gary Glitter’s house –Sham-glam pram-slammer, Gary Glitter, found himself in more trouble this week after copies of a Strauss-Kahn sex-tape were found at his house (alongside his usual stash of child porn). Glitter claimed to ‘storing’ the tapes for Strauss-Kahn, having met the ex-IMF chief at a vulnerable-girls sex marathon the Frenchman was hosting at his Paris apartment. The former cherry-popster maintained that he had never watched the tape at all, and that the DVD was in his computer as he wanted to check it was empty.

Tinder banned in Southern states of the US after record spike in reports of incest – The dating app Tinder has been banned in most of the Southern states of the US following a massive increase in reports of incest. Police stations across the South are inundated with calls from troubled parents who have had to prise siblings apart after unwitting matches on Tinder. The matched siblings often engage in days of sexting without realising they are talking to their brother or sister. By the time they realise it is often too late.

Five Labour Party supporters caught plotting to assassinate Ed Balls – Five Labour Party supporters have been accused of trying to assassinate their own shadow front-bencher, Ed Balls, in a stunning revelation in the run-up to this year's election. The five supporters, known as “The Five Balls” (though many initially suggested “The Balls Five” to be a better title) are currently in Police custody following a raid on a terraced house in North London. The Police are said to have uncovered a plan whereby Balls would be tempted to attend a fictional event called, “The Ed is AMAZE-Ball” at the Park Lane Hilton, whereupon he was to be drugged and tortured extensively. Many are speculating that an array of election-aware Labour front-benchers are implicated in the plot, but the rumours are yet to be confirmed.

General Election could be re-scheduled to accommodate British Bake Off Special – The BBC are considering asking the government to re-schedule the up-coming General Election in order to allow them to broadcast a special episode of the British Bake Off featuring Gordon Ramsay and Jordan. The government are said to have acknowledged that the BBO special is likely to attract far more interest than the election, but have maintained that representative government is still “sort of the most important thing… I mean technically anyway” to the British people. 

The ever-present threat of incest.