PUBLICATION OF NATIONAL CENSUS REVEALS STARTLING DISCOVERY

The publication of the National Census on 16 July sent shockwaves through Westminster and throughout the country as the public - and policymakers alike - grappled with a startling discovery: the higher the number of people that live here, the higher the population.

Leading Home Office mandarins have been spending long hours poring over data, looking to discover exactly how so many civil servants – as well as senior members of the cabinet – were blind-sided by the issue.

“The thing is, there are so many zeros in numbers after like, a million, it’s just a bit hard to read,” said one bleary eyed Home-Office mandarin, “besides, everyone here figured that this was someone else’s problem….like most things really.”

When questioned on why this was a surprise, the Home Office mandarin provided an answer which echoed the view of many senior Cabinet ministers:

“We knew that public services were over-stretched, that transport was over-crowded as were the estates of our inner-cities,” he said, “most of us thought this was because the country itself was getting smaller – what with global warming and all – not that we had more people. Unbelievable.”

Asked on whether or not this new information was going to affect coalition policy going forward, a senior Tory representative replied with some glee:

“I guess we can cut even more now can’t we? Or less? Or is it more, but slower….or quicker?” he said from astride his horse, “Oh well, tally pip and wat ho.”

We sought to question more senior members of the Cabinet but all have declined to comment further, suggesting that the Tory representative “summed up everyone’s feelings to a tee.”