“JUST FIND THE F**KING PLANE ALREADY!” A BELEAGUERED WORLD TELLS AUTHORITIES

After two weeks of piece-meal bits of information, false leads, wild conjectures, ludicrous supposition and the absolute abandonment of journalistic practice in favour of unabated speculation, a beleaguered world desperately pleads with Chinese and Malaysian authorities: “Just find the f**king plane already”. A union of disaffected journalists has vowed to boycott any forthcoming press-conferences called by either the Chinese or Malaysian authorities, unless they can guarantee that such a press conference will disclose the actual location of the missing flight MH 370.

“It’s been an absolute eternity, and there is only so much bullshit I can make up,” said a journalist for the Associated Press, “I don’t want to have to speculate about aliens taking the plane or it going through a time-warp… I’m a journalist not a fantasy writer, I can’t take it anymore!”

Latest news from an Australian search vessel that a ‘pulse’ has been picked up in the nether regions of the South Indian Ocean has been met with muted indifference the world over.

“Oh they said the same thing last week, didn’t they? Turned out it was one of the search party’s mobile phone vibrating,” said disgruntled hack, Terjid Boolshitman, “Unless I see a severed arm or leg or head, I’m not gonna bother reporting it.”

It's been there all along.