ANDREW MITCHELL PUT ON HOMICIDE WATCH FOLLOWING PAYMENT OF DAMAGES TO PLEBGATE OFFICER

Disgraced, pleb-calling, Victorian-cycle-riding former Tory Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell MP, has been put on homicide watch following his settlement of a libel case with Met officer, PC Rowland. Mitchell has agreed to pay a sum of £80,000 in damages following the Plebgate affair, despite his continued protestations of innocence and evidence challenging the credibility of PC Rowland. A furious Mitchell is said to be locked in a padded cell filled with stuffed figurines of Ed Milliband and a baseball bat for him to beat them with.

“He is pretty pissed right now,” said Tory intern, Sienna Henrietta, “When he left the meeting with his lawyers, I saw him punch an old lady outside the office for no reason. Then when the driver farted in the car, he completely lost it. He wound down the windows and started calling everyone a pleb, and then he threw his phone at a Lollypop lady.”

Clinical psychologist, Helen Melon-Choly, claimed that studies have proven conclusively that there is no angrier human than a Tory with a feeling of indignation. She said that depending on your political views, such people should either be lobotomized or made Prime Minister.

Labour leader and five-time “Parliament's Most Punchable Face” Champion, Ed Miliband, has been quick to highlight Mitchell’s payout as evidence of the Nasty Party rearing his ugly head once again. Miliband began commenting on the matter at a visit to a local primary school, but was soon interrupted when a year seven lost his cool and punched the Labour leader in the face.

Mitchell learns that his guns have been taken away.