ANDREW MITCHELL CONSIDERS RAISING ARMY TO ARREST THE DECLINE OF FEUDALISM

As Mr Justice Mitting ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Andrew Mitchell most likely did call PC Toby Rowland a ‘pleb’ as he left Downing Street last year, the former Tory chief-whip was left ruing the emancipation of plebeians across the country. A member of Mitchell’s legal team was heard saying the Tory MP was considering raising an army to defend his good name.

“He’s utterly disgusted that he isn’t allowed to say what he wants and ride his bike where he wants,” said a close friend of Mitchell’s, Henry Buttersnatch, “He thinks it’s about time someone showed those blasted peasants who’s boss!”

Early indications suggest that Mitchell’s plans haven’t aroused much support from the Tory front bench, though George Osborne is believed to have tried to hatch a similar plan last year.

Like a lot of cyclists in London, Mitchell is a complete tosser.