SALMOND BUYS CROWN AND SCEPTRE AHEAD OF UP-COMING ELECTION

Six-months on from Salmond’s September secessionist hi-jinks, the SNP leader has finally come across another serendipitous circumstance that will unjustly increase his importance once again and understandably, he’s absolutely delighted. The up-coming election in the UK looks about as likely to form a majority government as Jeremy Clarkson is likely to convert to Islam, and Salmond will probably be gift-wrapped another chance to be king-maker and ball-grabbing power broker.

“Ah can’t fuckin wait, pal!” sputtered Salmond at a press conference, whilst gorging on a steaming mountain of Scotch eggs, “When the election results come in, I’ll be waitin’ for the call! And when I get it, Ah’m gonnae make ‘em beg! This time I’m asking for me own army! And they can put me face on the money, know what I mean pal?”

An SNP spokesman, Dougal McDougal, confirmed that Salmond has authorised the purchase of a sceptre and crown, which he believes will be indispensable to the performance of his duties as king-maker in the event that a coalition involving the SNP is formed.

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a king, rather than a king-maker, would wear a crown and hold a sceptre,” said a disgruntled McDougal, speaking strictly off the record, “But it’s gone to his head. I mean the other day he shouted ‘Off with his head!’ to the party treasurer, but no one said anything, everyone just pretended like he wasn’t an insane megalomaniac.”  

Unsurprisingly, Whitehall politicians have been grumbling their dissatisfaction at the possibility that Salmond’s influence may once again hang over them, like the floating pong of a nearby field that has been freshly manured.

“It’s a bloody ball-ache,” said Tory party member, Alistair Fetching-Jungespaus, “It’s like that time the Republic of Djibouti got the casting vote at the UN. Oh boy! Didn’t they lord it up! Just like Salmond is now…” 

Salmond checks out the latest YouGov Poll

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

3 REASONS WHY SHAPOOR ZADRAN IS COOLER THAN YOU

1.       He’s international

Shapoor is from Afghanistan, but like many of his generation, he fled his war-torn country and took refuge in neighbouring Pakistan. It was here that the baddest man on the planet learned to play cricket. But wait! There’s more… Zadran made his List-A debut in the Sri Lankan Premier Limited Overs competition for a club side called the Badureliya Cricket Club, who play their home games at a ground called the Surrey Village Cricket Ground in Maggona. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Surrey. International.

2.       He models himself on Shoaib Akhtar

Learning his cricket in a country with a rich tradition of quality fast bowling, Shapoor had plenty of idols to model his game on. But rather than look to the likes of Imran Khan, Wasim Akram or Waqar Younis, pace bowlers whose craft was finessed with precision and skill, Shapoor trained his eyes one man and one man only - the beast that was Shoaib Akthar. This was for one simple reason: he wanted to look awesome whilst bowling fucking fast. That meant growing your hair, beefing up in the gym and developing a stare which said “I am your Hell”.

3.       His son looks exactly like him

Nothing is more satisfying to a male human than spawning an off-spring which is a miniature cartoon of himself. Shapoor has managed just that. His six year old son is said to be a spitting image of his father, with flowing locks of black hair and a penchant for Shah Rukh Khan inspired fashion.

Zadran on his way to proving it only takes one man to stop a train.

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

5 REASONS WHY THE 2015 WORLD CUP IS THE SAME AS THE 2011 WORLD CUP

1.       It’s all about the batting

Many thought the size of the sub-continental stadiums, coupled with  local groundsmen that often moonlight as road layers, meant that the batting paradise of the 2011 World Cup was unlikely to be repeated in the bouncy, pacey, jumpy all together more leary environment of Australia and New Zealand. As the first phase of the competition nears completion, after twenty or so scores of over 300 and two scores of over 400, the 2011 competition seems like it was held on a minefield at Sabina Park.

The ICC are looking to curb the size of modern bats.

2.       Ireland aren’t that minnow

In 2011 when the Irish scalped the English many thought it was a flash in the pan. After all, what could a team like Ireland do, whose best players are kidnapped to play for nasty old England as soon as they become good. Four years later, after notching up an impressive win against the West Indies and showing a darn sight more fight than their erstwhile masters, the Irish have once again showed, they aren’t that minnow after all.

3.       Pitches are pancake like at worst

Notwithstanding English batsmen’s ability to make good wickets look like horror shows, the tracks in New Zealand and in particular, Australia, have been as flat as they were in the 2011 tournament in the sub-continent. Sadly, it seems that the days of sporty wickets in ODIs are largely gone – regardless of what Peter Moores said after the New Zealand game.

4.       England lose to Bangladesh

Never again would the embarrassment of the 2011 exit to Bangladesh be repeated, proclaimed a mournful and repentant ECB as the last competition drew to a close. Four years, two re-scheduled Ashes tours, and six-months of unbroken ODI cricket later, the English are once again licking their wounds after another embarrassing knock-out to Bangladesh. A leopard may change its spots, but England will always get tonked in World Cups.

A regular feature of the modern day World Cup.

5.       India are right there again…

Fine, they won it in 2011 because it was in their backyard. Who couldn’t win a World Cup if it was in their own backyard? I scored 300 against my brother and mum in my own backyard, and I was only 11. Sure they had the best team and looked the most dominant side, but it’s because it was in their own conditions, right? Well, with maximum points after the first five games of the 2015 tournament, it seems like they might be able to do it in foreign conditions too…   

5 REASONS WHY THE 2015 WORLD CUP IS DIFFERENT TO THE 2011 WORLD CUP

1.       Scoring 300 doesn’t mean you’re hard anymore…

When India lifted the trophy in Mumbai 2011, the losing Sri Lankan captain, Kumar Sangakkara, ever graceful in defeat, suggested even a total of 300 wasn’t safe from batting line-up like the India’s, evoking the idea of 300 being a mythical total that only the very best could attain. You had to be hard to get 300. Not anymore pal, 300 means you can play. 400 means you’re hard.

2.       New fucking Zealand!

Aside from assuming the role of obligatory beneficiary to South Africa’s choking in 2011, New Zealand were largely absent from the last competition. This time however, with a captain jacked up on Maxi-Muscle, impressive bowlers and fervent support from the home crowd, New Zealand look like world beaters.

This time they mean buznuss in the crikut...

3.       Left-arm seamers are hot shit

In 2011 it seemed to be the tournament of the slow dobbler and the rolling dabbler, who would eat up deliveries in the middle overs and suck the life out of an opposing batting side. As a welcome change, 2015 has seen the resurgence of left arm seamers steaming in from over the wicket and generating that often elusive dimension in modern cricket, pace. Starc and Johnson are potent for a strong Aussie side, whereas the giant Irfan forms a dangerous partnership with Rahat Ali for Pakistan. Alistair Cook must be thanking his lucky stars that he isn’t there.

4.       Sachin Tendulkar isn’t there

For the first time since 1987, Sachin Tendulkar isn’t at the World Cup. In 2011, he had a middling tournament, notching an imperious hundred against South Africa in the group stages and 85 to help India past Pakistan in the semis. But when his team lifted the trophy in the final, it was declared to be a win for him. This time, the little master is nowhere to be seen and one would hope that any victorious Indian team would refrain from wheeling him out. Funnily enough, that weird bald man who paints himself green and orange with the word ‘Tendulkar’ on his chest is still there.

He's still there... obviously.

5.       We now know what ‘keys to success’ are…

They brought us myriad innovations with Packer’s World Series Cricket, including the very notion of coloured clothing that is now so unmistakable when thinking of ODI cricket today. Now the Aussies are at it again, giving us illuminated stumps from the Big Bash, sexy real time graphical things called ‘hitzones’ and a whole bunch of weird statistical crap called ‘keys to success’, which may as well be called, ‘fucking obvious statistics’…

ANDREW MITCHELL PUT ON HOMICIDE WATCH FOLLOWING PAYMENT OF DAMAGES TO PLEBGATE OFFICER

Disgraced, pleb-calling, Victorian-cycle-riding former Tory Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell MP, has been put on homicide watch following his settlement of a libel case with Met officer, PC Rowland. Mitchell has agreed to pay a sum of £80,000 in damages following the Plebgate affair, despite his continued protestations of innocence and evidence challenging the credibility of PC Rowland. A furious Mitchell is said to be locked in a padded cell filled with stuffed figurines of Ed Milliband and a baseball bat for him to beat them with.

“He is pretty pissed right now,” said Tory intern, Sienna Henrietta, “When he left the meeting with his lawyers, I saw him punch an old lady outside the office for no reason. Then when the driver farted in the car, he completely lost it. He wound down the windows and started calling everyone a pleb, and then he threw his phone at a Lollypop lady.”

Clinical psychologist, Helen Melon-Choly, claimed that studies have proven conclusively that there is no angrier human than a Tory with a feeling of indignation. She said that depending on your political views, such people should either be lobotomized or made Prime Minister.

Labour leader and five-time “Parliament's Most Punchable Face” Champion, Ed Miliband, has been quick to highlight Mitchell’s payout as evidence of the Nasty Party rearing his ugly head once again. Miliband began commenting on the matter at a visit to a local primary school, but was soon interrupted when a year seven lost his cool and punched the Labour leader in the face.

Mitchell learns that his guns have been taken away.

HUGE RISE IN NUMBER OF FAKE LAW FIRMS THREATENS TO EXPOSE THE UTTER FARCE OF REAL LAW FIRMS

Little known and barely used regulator of solicitors, the SRA, released figures revealing a 125% increase in reports of fake law firms made to them over the last two years. The SRA quickly looked to dispel allegations that such a rise was due to the fact they had installed a second phone, stating that the figures represented a worrying trend that was affecting even more worryingly stupid consumers.

“People can easily be duped by scammers masquerading as lawyers, the two groups are so difficult to distinguish at the best of times!” said SRA spokesman, Ivor Twotoo-Degry, “What we are urging consumers to think is, just because he says he’s a solicitor doesn’t mean he is. I mean, if he said he was a lion, would you believe him? No, you’d ask for some credentials.”

However, amidst the cries of concern at the plight of the consumer, petrified lawyers are closing ranks and administering spanks, fearing the prospect that fake lawyers may discover what a complete farce being a real lawyer actually is.

“What happens if they find out that we never draft anything? That we just tweak templates we get from PLC Corporate online?” said Hamilton Slax, a concerned partner of West End law firm, Cordoroy Slax LLP, “Or that we actually don’t know anything, we just Google it like everyone else. And then there’s billing…. dear God…”

Several Magic Circle firms are already thought to be lobbying the government to bring back the death penalty for ‘lawyering under falsehood with masquerade aforethought’, approaching all the major political parties in a desperate attempt to arse-cover in the run-up to the election. UKIP are thought to be considering the proposal, having already decided to bring back the death penalty for the proposed offence of ‘being Romanian’. 

I'm ruined.

BILL GATES COMES BOTTOM OF THE FORBES POOR LIST FOR THE 16^TH TIME

Microsoft founder and modern-day Croesus, Bill Gates, came bottom in Forbes magazine’s twentieth annual Poor List, making him the least poor man in the world for the 16^th time. The little known of but ever ubiquitous “Unnamed homeless woman in the developing world” topped the Forbes Poor List for the 20^th time in a row.

Gates was said to be delighted with his title as the world’s least poor man. The software sovereign beat off stiff competition from Mexican businessman and purveyor of hilarious names, Carlos Silm, and Spanish fashion magnate and part-time Gerald Ford impersonator, Amancio Ortega – both of whom have seen huge decreases to their poorness over the last twelve months.

Critics are using the list to highlight the ever increasing chasm of income disparity across the world.

“Soon, the least poor 1% will be less poor than the rest of the poorest 99% put together…” said Oxfam spokesman, Harriet Brown-Charriet, “I’m fairly sure that is the best way to present that fact.”

Gates however, has answered back at critics, citing the Gates Foundation as evidence of his philanthropic intent.

“My foundation is meant to bring hope and joy for everyone,” said Gates at a recent conference, “Except people using I-Macs. They can fuck off.”

Gates' exorbitant wealth paid for the only invisible bass guitar in the world.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Strauss-Kahn sex-tape found at Gary Glitter’s house –Sham-glam pram-slammer, Gary Glitter, found himself in more trouble this week after copies of a Strauss-Kahn sex-tape were found at his house (alongside his usual stash of child porn). Glitter claimed to ‘storing’ the tapes for Strauss-Kahn, having met the ex-IMF chief at a vulnerable-girls sex marathon the Frenchman was hosting at his Paris apartment. The former cherry-popster maintained that he had never watched the tape at all, and that the DVD was in his computer as he wanted to check it was empty.

Tinder banned in Southern states of the US after record spike in reports of incest – The dating app Tinder has been banned in most of the Southern states of the US following a massive increase in reports of incest. Police stations across the South are inundated with calls from troubled parents who have had to prise siblings apart after unwitting matches on Tinder. The matched siblings often engage in days of sexting without realising they are talking to their brother or sister. By the time they realise it is often too late.

Five Labour Party supporters caught plotting to assassinate Ed Balls – Five Labour Party supporters have been accused of trying to assassinate their own shadow front-bencher, Ed Balls, in a stunning revelation in the run-up to this year's election. The five supporters, known as “The Five Balls” (though many initially suggested “The Balls Five” to be a better title) are currently in Police custody following a raid on a terraced house in North London. The Police are said to have uncovered a plan whereby Balls would be tempted to attend a fictional event called, “The Ed is AMAZE-Ball” at the Park Lane Hilton, whereupon he was to be drugged and tortured extensively. Many are speculating that an array of election-aware Labour front-benchers are implicated in the plot, but the rumours are yet to be confirmed.

General Election could be re-scheduled to accommodate British Bake Off Special – The BBC are considering asking the government to re-schedule the up-coming General Election in order to allow them to broadcast a special episode of the British Bake Off featuring Gordon Ramsay and Jordan. The government are said to have acknowledged that the BBO special is likely to attract far more interest than the election, but have maintained that representative government is still “sort of the most important thing… I mean technically anyway” to the British people. 

The ever-present threat of incest.