WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Strauss-Kahn sex-tape found at Gary Glitter’s house –Sham-glam pram-slammer, Gary Glitter, found himself in more trouble this week after copies of a Strauss-Kahn sex-tape were found at his house (alongside his usual stash of child porn). Glitter claimed to ‘storing’ the tapes for Strauss-Kahn, having met the ex-IMF chief at a vulnerable-girls sex marathon the Frenchman was hosting at his Paris apartment. The former cherry-popster maintained that he had never watched the tape at all, and that the DVD was in his computer as he wanted to check it was empty.

Tinder banned in Southern states of the US after record spike in reports of incest – The dating app Tinder has been banned in most of the Southern states of the US following a massive increase in reports of incest. Police stations across the South are inundated with calls from troubled parents who have had to prise siblings apart after unwitting matches on Tinder. The matched siblings often engage in days of sexting without realising they are talking to their brother or sister. By the time they realise it is often too late.

Five Labour Party supporters caught plotting to assassinate Ed Balls – Five Labour Party supporters have been accused of trying to assassinate their own shadow front-bencher, Ed Balls, in a stunning revelation in the run-up to this year's election. The five supporters, known as “The Five Balls” (though many initially suggested “The Balls Five” to be a better title) are currently in Police custody following a raid on a terraced house in North London. The Police are said to have uncovered a plan whereby Balls would be tempted to attend a fictional event called, “The Ed is AMAZE-Ball” at the Park Lane Hilton, whereupon he was to be drugged and tortured extensively. Many are speculating that an array of election-aware Labour front-benchers are implicated in the plot, but the rumours are yet to be confirmed.

General Election could be re-scheduled to accommodate British Bake Off Special – The BBC are considering asking the government to re-schedule the up-coming General Election in order to allow them to broadcast a special episode of the British Bake Off featuring Gordon Ramsay and Jordan. The government are said to have acknowledged that the BBO special is likely to attract far more interest than the election, but have maintained that representative government is still “sort of the most important thing… I mean technically anyway” to the British people. 

The ever-present threat of incest.

NEW ZEALAND? NO! NOT YOU AS WELL…

An OECD report on rising income inequality across the developed world has confirmed what many observers with at least a piecemeal understanding of life have thought all along: in countries like Britain and the US income distribution is now about as equal as it was during the years leading up to Peasant Revolt of 1381. But the report has also shocked many by revealing that some perennial ‘good guy’ countries are also coming under the spell of neo-liberalism, abandoning things like progressive taxation and knitwear, in favour of corporate subsidies and latex thongs. One such country is New Zealand - shocking Lord of the Rings lovers the world over, and delighting the shit out of chuckling Aussies.

“When I saw the country’s name on the list I thought, oh no, New Zealand? Not you as well!” said centre-left blogger, Barb Ityewat, “Where the fuck are those of us that believe in an egalitarian society meant to live? Canada has become like the US, the Dutch keep acting crazy, Sweden is too cold and also now right-wing, and now New Zealand as well? Damnit!”

The government in Auckland responded to the report by claiming that though the findings were concerning, the New Zealand public should still count their blessings that they weren’t living in Australia under Tony Abbott.

Prices of New Zealand’s exports have remained robust in spite of the negative press, though interestingly, demand for New Zealand lamb has sky-rocketed in Qatar, netting huge profits for Halal-ready exporters. One meat exporter from Dunedin said it was because “the Qataris love anything that is the product of an unequal system. They really get off on that.”

Surprising fans of Reaganomics.

IT’S OFFICIAL: FARAGE BLAMES EVERYTHING ON IMMIGRATION

Nigel Farage surprised even the most cynical of observers this week when he blamed his inability to arrive in Wales on time on – what he believed to be – immigrant-fuelled traffic on the M4. Rather than giving any credence to his opinion, most people took the pronouncement as confirmation that Farage really does blame EVERYTHING on immigration. ZEITlies takes a look at a few other things ol’ Nige is likely to blame on those blasted migrants from overseas…

1.       Climate change

Warmer winters, boiling summers – most of us put this down to the effect of growing levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. Not Nigel though, who sees the rising temperature in the UK as further evidence of immigrants looking to impose ‘their ways’ on the British public.

2.       Failing British schools

Immigrants up to no good again, says Nigey. They come over here with their goddamn aspirations and hard work, and now they are making our kids look like duffers!

3.       His own inability to perform sexually

It has nothing to do with his long-standing erectile dysfunction, his reptilian jowl, or the liver spot on his chest shaped like a camel. Farage blames his inability to make a woman orgasm on Labour and now the coalitions’ bleedin’ open-door immigration policy.

4.       The quality of his dinner last night

It was dry, tasteless, mass-produced rubbish! After all, it was cooked by his wife – and she’s a bloody immigrant!

Farage muses over who to blame.

SOUTH AFRICA BECOMES THE DESTINATION OF CHOICE FOR MEN WISHING TO KILL THEIR PARTNERS

First it was the shocking leniency of the sentence handed down to Oscar Pistorius for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp; now it is the mind-blowing acquittal of Shrien Dewani for killing his wife Anni - South Africa has firmly established itself as THE destination of choice for men wishing to murder their partners.

With high rates of crime, chasm-like disparities in income, a well-entrenched societal and judicial racism – South Africa has seemingly all the ingredients an alibi-seeking wife or girlfriend killer would want. One Johannesburg travel agent is looking to take advantage of his country’s new-found status:

“We’re offering tours to the country for men in relationships they need to extricate themselves from, owing to severe personality disorders or closet homosexuality,” said Jacques de Meuve-Leuver, “We will book hotels, flights and arrange for tours into the more dangerous townships in the middle of the night. We have a safari option too as an add-on.”

Mr de Meuve-Leuver claims to have received enquiries from several interested men residing overseas, but was unable to disclose their names without an adequate bribe. Following payment of the bribe, ZEITlies learned that amongst others, de Meuve-Leuver had received enquiries from Kanye West, David Beckham and the Duke of Edinburgh. 

Paradise... for murderer-loving men.

GRANDMOTHER'S WORST TECHNOLOGICAL FEARS REALISED AS SHE DELETES THE INTERNET

Seventy-five year old grandmother, Ethel Biggut from Rotherham, realised her worst technological fears last Tuesday, when she accidentally deleted the internet whilst trying to locate a folder of photos on the laptop her son had given her.

“When my lad came and showed it to me, I told him I was worried I’d delete something important, like the internet,” said former primary school teacher and National Front membership secretary, Ethel, “And then the other day when I wanted to look at a photo of my granddaughter, instead of finding the folder on my computer, I ended up deleting the internet.”

A spokesman from Biggut’s internet provider, Slownet, said they investigated the incident and concluded that Ethel had simply deleted her web browser, and that the internet was in fact fine.

Senior citizens frequently mock penis sizes whilst chatting on Skype.

ANDREW MITCHELL CONSIDERS RAISING ARMY TO ARREST THE DECLINE OF FEUDALISM

As Mr Justice Mitting ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Andrew Mitchell most likely did call PC Toby Rowland a ‘pleb’ as he left Downing Street last year, the former Tory chief-whip was left ruing the emancipation of plebeians across the country. A member of Mitchell’s legal team was heard saying the Tory MP was considering raising an army to defend his good name.

“He’s utterly disgusted that he isn’t allowed to say what he wants and ride his bike where he wants,” said a close friend of Mitchell’s, Henry Buttersnatch, “He thinks it’s about time someone showed those blasted peasants who’s boss!”

Early indications suggest that Mitchell’s plans haven’t aroused much support from the Tory front bench, though George Osborne is believed to have tried to hatch a similar plan last year.

Like a lot of cyclists in London, Mitchell is a complete tosser.

   

GOVERNMENT FEARS MIGRATORY BIRDS ARE FLYING SOUTH TO JOIN ISIS

A leaked government report has revealed many Whitehall mandarins (and tangerines) fear that the country’s migratory birds could be joining ISIS when they fly south for the winter. Secretly commissioned research has uncovered evidence of a flock of pigeons from East London becoming radicalised and possibly flying to ISIS controlled Syria to join the fighting.

“We are working to deal with the threat,” said Home Office mandarin, Frank Lee Odias, “We are certain that birds have become radicalised, we have solid intel on that. I mean, the source was a convicted crack dealer, who was adjudged a pathological liar by the country’s top psychologist, but still, his intel was solid.”

The report also revealed fears that radicalised battle-hardened birds returning from ISIS next summer could cause havoc in the UK, with contingency plans already taking place to install anti-aircraft batteries across the country’s airports. 

Birds returning from ISIS in suicidal attack formation.