REPUBLICANS SEEK TO BAN CONDOMS IN MID-WESTERN STATES IN ORDER TO INCREASE NUMBER OF WHITE CHRISTIANS

As the Republican Party wakes-up to a bitch-slap of an electoral hangover, there are fresh calls from within the party for its leaders to address the changing demographics of the nation’s electorate. Many have suggested that subsequent presidential nominees should spend more time eating tacos and listening to rap music in order to shore up ethnic minority votes; but others have advocated a whole new strategy.

“The problem with elections in this hyaaa country is that we can’t just win by relying on the White Christian vote anymore” said Tex McToughguy, a leading Republican strategist, “The solution? We gotta start making more White Christians….fast!”

Mctoughguy is one of a number of leading GOP figures to call for a blanket ban on all condoms for White Christians, particularly in the mid-west and southern states of the country. These areas are putatively Republican heartlands but, much to the consistent consternation of the party, are sparsely populated when compared to the densely populated Democrat-dominated seaboards.

“We need to get out there and start banging our way to victory!” McToughguy explained, as he wrote the word ‘communist’ on a nearby ambulance. “No more condoms, no more pulling out, no more fidelity. White Christians the country-over have got to bang each other till the cows come home! Switch your partners if you need to, hoe-down style!”

The Democrats are said to be unconcerned by GOP plans to alter the composition of country's population in their favour. With future demographical forecasts showing a growing trend for non-white participation in prospective elections, Democrat activists are understandably confident.

“They can turn trailer parks into orgies, we don't care. What those stupid rednecks forget is we got Mexico riiiiight there baby,” said Rufus Dufus, Democrat blogger and forty-year old virgin, “No one can make babies like Mexicans! Those icky Republicans don’t stand a chance!” 

Come on fellas, it's time to get your f**k on...

SUPERSTORM SANDY SMASHES AMERICA AS BARRY THE BREEZE MILDLY IRRITATES BRITAIN

The eastern-seaboard of the US was left reeling from the largest storm in recorded-history ever to hit the country. Superstorm Sandy has left an unprecedented trail of destruction, affecting some fifty million Americans and virtually paralysing the economy for three days. Meanwhile, Barry the Breeze is causing equal amounts of havoc in the UK, by blowing people’s hats off and causing umbrellas to go inside out.

“It’s like the end of the world out there,” said Hampshire resident, Phil McTackle, “There are leaves falling-off trees and no one is doing anything about it! What about our kids?”

The transport network in London was put under huge amounts of pressure by Barry the Breeze, as outer parts of the Central Line were crippled by six leaves falling on four-metres of track. Commuters tweeted of delays of up to two hours as TFL struggled to cope with the disaster.

“It was tough for us to get anyone out there,” said a TFL spokesman, shortly before entering a taxi, “Most of our maintenance guys were on their union-mandated compulsory four-hour lunch breaks, so we were a bit thin on the ground.”

In other parts of the country, families are coming to terms with the mild-annoyance caused by garden fences partially-collapsing, hanging-baskets falling on the floor, and free-standing birdhouses beginning to lean.

“I just don’t know how we’re going to cope,” said one homeowner from Hertfordshire, “it’s going to take me hours to clean this up.”

The Coalition government has responded in the only way it knows how: by announcing another round of swingeing cuts to public-services. David Cameron made a statement at a charity fundraiser (raising money for the advancement of ethnic majority children from over-privileged backgrounds) he was attending:

“The best way to cope with the marginal amount of disruption this has caused to the UK, is to cut the NHS budget by another 15%,” said Cameron, “unless we cut the deficit – with putatively discredited policymaking – Barry the Breeze will beat us!”

Chet realised his wife was not talking about her sister, when she said 'he was no match for Sandy'

TORIES PLAN TO REFORTIFY CASTLES IN ORDER TO QUELL PEASANT REVOLT

The Conservatives threaten to throw their own austerity plans into inglorious chaos by proposing to spend millions of pounds renewing antiquated and irrelevant military programmes. In addition to Philip Hammond’s mindboggling decision to spend £350 million renewing Trident – in order to fight a Cold-War which ended twenty-one years ago – the Conservatives’ surprising Keynesian-streak is extending to several other obsolescent projects.

Top of the list, are plans to refortify of thousands of Norman-castles the nation over, in order to quell what MOD insiders are describing as ‘the imminent threat of a peasant revolt’. As one Tory spokesman candidly stated, “It might have been a long time since the last revolt, but still, you can’t take anything for granted.”

The Navy is also set to benefit, with a whole new-fleet of 16^th century battle ships on-order to ward off the threat posed by the Spanish Armada. Admiral Brigadier General Larry B'Stard - in full Nelsonian military dress - was adamant in his reasoning: “It’s been over four hundred years, the Spanish may be an extinct power, but still, you can’t take anything for granted.”

In addition to increased naval expenditure, there has also been a growing call amongst London Tories for the re-installation of anti-aircraft batteries across the capital, to counter the supposedly insidious threat of a Luftwaffe attack. This has been presented alongside proposals to regenerate air-raid shelters and to modernise the ageing air-raid siren system, by sending alerts on social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter. Again, a Tory spokesman was on-hand to provide duly jingoistic candidness: “It may have been nearly 60 years, the Bosch may be an ally of ours and a major trading partner, but still, you can’t take anything for granted.”

Members of the Liberal Democrats have voiced their concern regarding the fiscal-responsibility of the measures; and also regarding the ostensible paranoia of their Coalition partners.

“God, they keep saying you can’t take things for granted,” said an unnamed Lib Dem spokesman, “They are pathologically suspicious. I saw Michael Gove leave the canteen and take his lunch to the toilet. They all need to chill-out.”

Defence-Secretary Philip Hammond presides over security at his local primary school

ZEITtruth…

ANDREW MITCHELL HAS HIS WORK CUT-OUT IF HE IS TO CONVINCE PARTY AND PEOPLE

The Prime Minister vociferously supported Andrew Mitchell at PMQs yesterday, as the Tory Chief-Whip faced another scathing examination from Labour MPs. The ferocity of the attack played into Mitchell’s hands; as it compelled Tory MPs who had hitherto been ambivalent towards his salvation, to rally together in rousing support of the Sutton-Coldfield MP (despite the 1922 Committee later providing a far more negative assessment of his actions in private). However, no matter how vocal the support he receives from his party in the main chamber - which claims he wasn’t behaving in an elitist and pompous manner in the much famed ‘Plebgate’ incident – his voting record does little to dispel the notion that Mitchell is an antiquated brand of Tory – the type that is more than capable of the odd alarmingly-flippant indiscretion, such as referring to serving Police-Officers as ‘plebs’.

Since 2001, Mitchell has only ever voted very-strongly on issues that represent the uber-traditional Tory agenda. Despite voting across a myriad of topics, it is no surprise that the Rubgy-educated former Royal Tank Regiment Officer, has only ever voted very-strongly on concerns of the strictly upper-class, such as: voting very strongly against the ban on fox hunting, against a more proportional voting system for MPs and against removing hereditary-peers for the House of Lords. If Mitchell claims not to be elitist, his voting record suggests otherwise, with his propensity to voice his intentions - very-strongly - manifesting itself only on expressly class-based subjects. On each of the three instances mentioned above, the principal motivation for voting has been the preservation of entitlement for the traditional land-owning classes. This is not to say that he hasn’t voted on other issues – some of which will support a liberal agenda – but never as strongly as he does on matters pertaining to the maintenance of the traditional class-system.

To his credit, Mitchell has worked extensively with youths in his constituency of Sutton Coldfield, and has a wealth of experience working in developing countries. Mitchell has worked in Africa for a number of years, beginning with his work at investment bank Lazard. His experiences in the continent lead him to become Minister for International Development, first in the shadow cabinet and subsequently in the Coalition government.

However, there is no doubt some speculation on whether Mitchell’s work in Africa is honourably intentioned – like much of the work that British companies do there – or if it is more akin to wanton post-colonial plundering, the like of which Mark Thatcher can claim to be a veteran. Rather worryingly, he has been a strong supporter of the CDC (formerly the Commonwealth Development Cooperation), who attracted widespread criticism following Private Eye’s disinterment of their shady dealings back in 2010. Mitchell has advocated widening CDC’s role, encouraging it to engage in higher-risk investments, even though accusations of CDC investing in over-valued companies in Nigeria are yet to be sufficiently explained away. However, aside from his treatment of CDC, it can be said that he has been a sensible (though not progressive) Minister for International Development; supporting the rights of oppressed people in Burma and taking a cautious yet pragmatic approach to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

But to critics on the Labour benches and on the Coalition benches alike, the real Andrew Mitchell is the man who said the words contained in the Police report published by the Daily Telegraph. Large parts of his voting record add fuel to this fire, as does his inability to bring to punish the widely discredited actions of the gloriously-imperialist CDC, in his role as Minister for International Development. His work is cut-out if he is convince the rest of the government and the country as to his egalitarian credentials, and following a sombre condemnation by members of the Tory 1922 Committee last night, it is unlikely that the ‘Plebgate’ affair will conveniently disappear. The fire that Andrew Mitchell saw his PM firmly douse at PMQs yesterday - could just as easily re-ignite in an instant.

UK TO HOLD REFERENDUM IN 2014 ON WHETHER OR NOT TO TELL SCOTLAND TO F*** OFF

Following news that Scotland is to hold a referendum in 2014 to decide on the future of the Union with Britain, Westminster has announced that England, Wales and Northern Ireland will also be allowed to participate in a referendum, answering a simple yes or no question: should we tell Scotland to f*** off?

“Many of us are hurt by the suggestion that the Scots want to leave us,” said One Britain spokesman, Ivor Dream, “so we think it’s only fair that we should get the chance to show how we feel too.”

Many people from the remaining principalities of the British Isles are sick and tired of Alex Salmond's - and his party the SNP’s - persistent nationalist posturing, with their inflated claims of Scotland’s economic importance and under-emphasis on the amount to which Scotland is a net fiscal-recipient from the UK budget.

“They get more money from the state than us, they get to stay at university longer than us and people abroad like them more than us,” said Dream, “I think it’s about time we told them to f*** off.”

In the event that the referendum elicits a majority ‘yes’ vote, plans are being made for the re-fortification of Hadrian’s Wall as well as the re-positioning of tactical nuclear warheads to face Edinburgh. It has also been suggested that a UK-wide sweep of large urban railway stations should be undertaken to in order to repatriate all visible Glaswegian-drunks to their newly-created home country. Certain ‘valuable’ Scots residing outside of Scotland (e.g. Alex Ferguson, Andy Murray and Lorraine Kelly), will forcibly be made to adopt the British nationality by being engraved with a tattoo of Paul Gascoigne. All other Scots - wishing to join their newly-independent country - will be given a one-way Virgin-Trains ticket and told to f*** off.

Same to you mate...

NOBEL PRIZE FOR DELUSIONAL BEHAVIOUR AWARDED TO SERBIA

The Nobel Prize committee turned heads, caught glances, and elicited shouts of vulgar abuse today as it announced that in addition to the awards bestowed last week, an additional prize was to be awarded, giving ill-conceived recognition to a whole new category of undeserving recipient. The new award is to be known as the Nobel-Facebook Prize for Services to the Art of Delusional Behaviour. The inaugural winner is the country of Serbia, beating former Republican presidential-candidate Herman Cain and the Church of Scientology into second and third places respectively. Honourable mentions were also made for former Libyan-despot Muammar Gaddafi and current Syrian-despot Bashar Al-Assad.

Spokesman for the Nobel Committee - Svelte Haarkut - read a statement on their behalf at a press conference in Stockholm today:

“We commend - in particular - the Serbian FA for their commitment to the art of delusional behaviour, exhibited most recently by their blanket denial of racism at the recent football match against the England U-21 side. They then followed this up by attempting to lay blame for the incident on England defender Danny Rose, when it was evident to everyone that he was the victim. This was some of the finest delusional behaviour we have seen since we saw Respect Party MP George Galloway being a cat in the Big Brother house.”

Haarkut went on to explain how the Committee had contemplated awarding the prize to just the Serbian FA, rather than the whole country. But he described how recent press coverage of the on-going trial of Bosnian-Serb leader Radovan Karadzic changed the Committee’s approach.

“Karadzic is a world-class delusional behaviour specialist. This has been known for many years. His recent statement at the ICTY in the Hague where he felt he should be ‘rewarded for his peace efforts’ in enabling a widespread genocide, further strengthen this claim. It is for this reason that we widened the definition of the recipient to include the whole of Serbia. It would have sounded shit if it was just the FA and Karadzic…”

The Serbian FA are said to be delighted with the honour, stating that “it speaks volumes about the soundness of our character and how we are definitely not racist.” Radovan Karadzic, presently incarcerated and surfing the waves of insanity in the Netherlands, was unavailable for comment; but is reported to believe that he won the award last year too, even though this is the first time the award is to be given. 

Karadzic denies ever having a double-chin.

ZEITtruth…

UK UNEMPLOYMENT FALLS BY 50,000; LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYMENT RISES

Unemployment in the UK currently sits at 7.9% of all those economically active, according to figures released by the government today. The figures - utilising the International Labour Organisation definition of unemployment – show the total number of people actively seeking work to be 2,528,000 for the quarter June to August 2012. This represented a fall of 50,000 from the previous quarter.

The government will be keen to emphasise this quarterly improvement in unemployment figures, as well as the 62,000 fall in youth unemployment achieved over the same period. However, of some concern is the number of people unemployed for 12 months or more, which has increased by 13,000 when compared to the last quarter.

The current levels of unemployment across the country are still lower than what was experienced at the height of the recession in the early eighties and again during the John Major’s government in in the early nineties. The number of JSA and benefit claimants is however markedly lower now than in previous recessions. Opposition to the government would be quick to point out that such a fall in the number of benefits claimant is no doubt down to the crippling austerity measures that have formed the mainstay of George Osborne’s economic policy. As the prospect of a triple dip recession looms, the relative lack of state intervention for nation’s unemployed – when compared to earlier recessions – may have an impact on the economy’s ability to drag itself out of the present lugubrious gloom.

Regional unemployment figures showed the North-East to have the highest unemployment rate in the UK at 9.9%. However, it‘s the nation’s capital that’s showing the most worrying signs of regression, with 10,000 more people now looking for work in London when compared to the last quarter. Many believe that the conclusion of the Olympics programme will have had a bearing on this figure.