UK TO HOLD REFERENDUM IN 2014 ON WHETHER OR NOT TO TELL SCOTLAND TO F*** OFF

Following news that Scotland is to hold a referendum in 2014 to decide on the future of the Union with Britain, Westminster has announced that England, Wales and Northern Ireland will also be allowed to participate in a referendum, answering a simple yes or no question: should we tell Scotland to f*** off?

“Many of us are hurt by the suggestion that the Scots want to leave us,” said One Britain spokesman, Ivor Dream, “so we think it’s only fair that we should get the chance to show how we feel too.”

Many people from the remaining principalities of the British Isles are sick and tired of Alex Salmond's - and his party the SNP’s - persistent nationalist posturing, with their inflated claims of Scotland’s economic importance and under-emphasis on the amount to which Scotland is a net fiscal-recipient from the UK budget.

“They get more money from the state than us, they get to stay at university longer than us and people abroad like them more than us,” said Dream, “I think it’s about time we told them to f*** off.”

In the event that the referendum elicits a majority ‘yes’ vote, plans are being made for the re-fortification of Hadrian’s Wall as well as the re-positioning of tactical nuclear warheads to face Edinburgh. It has also been suggested that a UK-wide sweep of large urban railway stations should be undertaken to in order to repatriate all visible Glaswegian-drunks to their newly-created home country. Certain ‘valuable’ Scots residing outside of Scotland (e.g. Alex Ferguson, Andy Murray and Lorraine Kelly), will forcibly be made to adopt the British nationality by being engraved with a tattoo of Paul Gascoigne. All other Scots - wishing to join their newly-independent country - will be given a one-way Virgin-Trains ticket and told to f*** off.

Same to you mate...