PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....

TORIES BAN EVERY SINGLE SUBSTANCE AVAILABLE TO MANKIND APART FROM TOBACCO, ALCOHOL AND CAFFEINE

In an attempt to crack down on so-called ‘legal highs’, the Tories have imposed a blanket ban on all ‘psychoactive substances’ except the psychoactive substances that Tories actually use and enjoy. The Psychoactive Substance Act will ban all chemicals and substances with psychoactive properties, with exceptions for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, as all are categorised as food or medicinal products. 

There are also other exceptions for other Tory psychoactive favourites, including mouldy Gentleman’s Relish and the odd pop of nose-candy.

“Every week two more ‘legal highs’ are discovered somewhere in Europe at one of those blasted hippy-do raves,” said government drugs spokesman, Nev Agotlean, “It’s about time someone put a stop to all of those stinky, probably Labour, hippies spinning out on weird crap we don’t understand. 

They are only allowed to spin out on stuff that we like – like brandy shots in the eye and the odd cigarillo!”

Some head-shop owners are intensely scrutinising the new Act looking for loopholes that may allow them to continue selling their now illegal ‘legal highs’.

“We’ve already started doing popper sandwiches and a salvia casserole,” said head-shop owner, AG Hippitoff, “We are thinking about offering nitrous oxide therapy, as a way of utilising its medicinal potential, but we’re not sure about it yet man.”

The Psychoactive Act has prescribed strict penalties for those caught in possession of any substance it regards as prohibited. The potential of a seven year custodial sentence means possession of a ‘legal high’ may now be worse than possession of an illegal drug, which most believe will confuse Police and give them just another reason to harass ethnic minorities.

Crap looking packaging is sadly still legal.

CORRUPT ORGANISATION RE-ELECTS CORRUPT LEADER WHO IS SET TO DEFEND ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION

In the latest electoral disaster that has brought into question the very point of voting, scandal-ridden corruption-fest FIFA has bizarrely decided to re-elect President Sepp Blatter, in a move that some observers have described as “akin to grievous self-harm”.  Naturally, there are allegations of corruption in the election, which took place against a background of corruption allegations, against an organisation that many believe is corrupt and is headed by a man that even his mother thought was corrupt.

Blatter was understandably delighted at this latest display of his Stalinist grip on power, declaring to a rapturous crowd in Geneva: “I am your God!”

The US Department of Justice is said to be less than pleased with the result, with one unnamed investigator saying that US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, was heard screaming “What the fuck?!” when she was told the result.

“She just couldn’t believe it,” said the DOJ spokesman, “I mean he used corruption to get re-elected so he can defend allegations of corruption. He’s basically telling us to fuck ourselves.”

FA representative, Greg Dyke, was disappointed at the result, which he believes was a missed opportunity to reform the rotten organisation.

“I mean, with all them African countries in there we was never gonna win was we?” said Dyke, blithely munching on a Ginster’s pasty, “I mean what’s the bloody point of an election if everyone gets a vote? You end up with some cu…”

Blatter models himself on another of history's most amoral leaders.

THE ZEITlies GUIDE TO GENERAL ELECTION SEX….

The 2015 General Election takes place in two days and all polls are predicting a Parliament that will be more hung than Linford Christie. But the reality is, it doesn’t matter who you vote for – you’re getting fucked every which way. In the spirit of accepting this basic principle, ZEITlies explores exactly how the various political parties would go about fucking you…

Conservative
The Tories will fuck you hard and fast and they don’t care about the pain. They are here to do a job and that job is fucking - they will take no prisoners along the way. There are some exceptions however. If you’re rich, expect satin sheets and scented body oils, maybe even a harpist in the room to set the mood. But if you’re poor, boy, are you getting fucked! The Tories pull out the big dongs for that, making sure the poor get screwed harder than anyone else.

The annoying face of Tory sex.

Labour
The Tories may screw the poor like animals but Labour are arguably worse. Labour like to tease you, promising you impossible things: fifty orgasms, erections for a week, unlimited stamina and incomparable creativity. But the reality is, Labour will give you nothing. Instead, with their deeply held fetish for debt: Labour are here to fuck your kids. They are kiddie-fuckers.

Liberal Democrats
The Lib Dems will try and do things by the book. Exactly the right amount of foreplay, exactly the right amount of force and tenderness, exactly the right number of positions – Lib Dem sex will go to a plan. However, afterwards, rather inexplicably, you’ll realise you just don’t fancy them…

UKIP
Sex with UKIP is mean and nasty. Whips, chains, ball gags, handcuffs, burning crosses on your front lawn – the whole nine yards. UKIP don’t care who they hurt, they just love being cunts. Expect punches in the face and dripping candle wax on your nether regions – all to the incessant blaring of Land of Hope and Glory.

Green Party
Ever had a dry hump? Ever had someone rub themselves up against you either because you were in a place where actual sex was risky, or because you were fifteen? Well sex with the Green Party would be much worse than that and way less penetrative. They couldn’t fuck you even if they tried.

Better than Green Party sex.

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

9 THINGS ABOUT TEST CRICKET IN 2015 THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM…

1.       West Indies have a bowling attack again

Ok sure, it might not be Holding, Roberts, Marshall and Garner, but the current West Indies bowling line-up looks to have more promise than in recent times. The veteran Jerome Taylor has always been capable of match winning performances; and backed up by the burly speedster Shannon Gabriel, and the lanky fast-medium pacer Jason Holder, the trio form an impressive seam battery. The Windies do lack an obvious first choice spinner, but Benn, Permaul and even Narine (?) offer interesting options.

Gabriel watches an England batsman leave the crease for the last time.

2.       New Zealand might have their best test side ever

The World Cup showcased New Zealand’s limited overs talents to the wider world, but they have been making quiet progress over the last twelve months. The impressive home series win in 2014 against a beleaguered India side showed exactly what the Kiwis could do, with Captain McCullum hitting a typically belligerent treble-hundred. They head to England next week for the start of a two test series and they will be feeling confident. They comprehensively humiliated England in the World Cup and with the English stuttering to a drawn series with the West Indies in their last outing, the Kiwis will be looking to take advantage. A good run out would seem them rise to their highest test ranking ever.

3.       Loads of Ashes series have made the Aussies the best side in the World

Once upon a time there used to be a marquee test series fought between two cricketing behemoths. Every few years one would come around and there would be so much anticipation, by the time the first ball was bowled, the cricketing world was literally shredded with excitement. Now however, Ashes series happen once every two months, so no one really cares when Australia beat England again. In being presented with yet another opportunity to do so, the Aussies may score the points needed to topple South Africa as number one test side in the World. Whoop di doo.

Steve Smith offers his thanks to the ECB.

4.       Seriously, Ashes again though…..?

By the time this summer’s Ashes series is concluded, Australia and England will have played each other in 15 tests in two years. This is more than three times more frequently than they have ever played each other in tests since the late 70s. The England-Australia has become, wait for it, a more frequent date in the international test calendar than India-Sri Lanka! In fact, no other test teams have met each other more frequently than the English and the Aussies over the last two years.

England learn that they have a test series against someone other than Australia,

5.       India could be on the rise

After an absolutely miserable twelve months under MS Dhoni, India’s test team, under new captain Virat Kohli could be in for a slightly more pleasurable ride. Back to back home series against Sri Lanka and South Africa could see them secure their first test win in nine outings climb their way out of seventh spot in the test rankings. Also a strong performance in the world cup, on the back of some promising signs in the test series against Australia has given the young side a measure of deserved confidence.

Hoping for a bit less of this in 2015.

6.       Should someone do something about the Kookaburra ball….?

In the first test of the series between Bangladesh and Pakistan recently, the hosts responded to a Pakistan first innings lead of just-under three hundred by posting a second innings total of 555 for 6. The match was drawn and the innings scores read: 332, 628 and 555. In the final innings on the fifth day, Bangladesh managed to pass 300 without losing their first wicket, all against quality bowling like Junaid Khan, Wahab Riaz and Mohammed Hafeez. This match used the Kookaburra ball, as games between these sides tend to. Conversely, in the final test of the West Indies- England series, 18 wickets fell on the second day. Now sure, the pitches were different and the teams were different, but the ball was different too. The Dukes ball used by England and the West Indies gives the bowlers much more to work with, as the recent low-scoring test showed. In an age where batsmen have so much advantage, would it be the worst thing in the world to make all teams use a ball that gave bowlers just a tinie tiny bit….?

The seam bowler's dream...

7.       Four day tests?

In some respects, the recent proposal of a four day test as made by the ECB seemed little more than the latest display of their obsession with fours, having also proposed a 40 over world cup. But, the more you consider the proposition the more appealing it appears to be. It will reduce the pressure on groundsmen prepare pitches that will hold together for five days, hopefully reducing the need to make lifeless batting roads for the first few days. It will also make it easier for the crucial sessions of a test match to be decided in front of large crowds, rather than Monday finishes played out in front of a few ground staff and job seeker’s allowance claimants. Not something we’ll see this year, but in future, who knows…

8.       Bangladesh need to win a test match

The recent draw against Pakistan showed that the Bangladeshi batting had a great deal more resilience than line-ups in the past, but many still expect much more of a nation that has now had fifteen years of test cricket under its belt, particularly with associate nations like Ireland, Scotland and Afghanistan clambering for test acceptance. Though they have registered a series win recently against Zimbabwe, fans are desperate for a ‘big’ win. Bangladesh has one further test against Pakistan, before two back to back home series against India and South Africa. Though the opposition will be 

tough, this year presents their best opportunity to register a big head-turning win in years.

9.       Impact players from the IPL go on to become test captain…

It was meant to be nothing more than a gawdy hit and giggle in front of deliriously misinformed people, which would never last more than a season. Eight years on and it’s turned into a serious competition, fought for tooth and nail by the world’s best. Unsurprisingly, it has become a global stage for showcasing new talent from across the world. Not just T20 talent, but actual cricketing talent. The proof is in the number of IPL impact players who have gone on to become test heavyweights; players who when they began their IPL careers were considered little more than bashers. Eight years on, people’s opinions of players like AB de Villiers, Angelo Matthews, Virat Kohli and Brendon McCullum are very different to what they were when these big hitters were snapped up by IPL franchises.

Not looking to defend the ball to mid-off.

FLOYD MAYWEATHER PROMISES TO GIVE THREE DOLLARS TO CHARITY FOLLOWING PACQUIAO FIGHT

In what members of his entourage are calling “an unprecedented charitable donation”, Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather has promised to give three dollars of his $180 million fee for fighting Manny Pacquiao to a worthy charity.

“I might like to wash my balls in Cristal, wipe my ass using fifty dollar bills and use Faberge eggs as rocks to throw at people I find ugly, but I still like to give back,” said Mayweather at a press conference, hosted on a platform made of imported Amazonian human, “That’s why I’m donating three dollars to the Floyd Mayweather foundation, which advances the cause of children named Floyd or Mayweather.”

Mayweather refused to comment on his opponent’s $40 million donation of his fight fee to charity, instead directing journalists attention to the diamond encrusted tooth pick that he was about to throw down a nearby toilet.

The majority of the revenue is set to come from millions of pay-per-view subscribers in the USA and internationally. Professor Loball of the University of Chicago has calculated that given the primary demographic of subscribers, the pay-per-view fee is effectively the most regressive taxation in history.

Mayweather emails Oxfam telling them to fuck off.

ROYAL BABY COULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE BY THE TIME THE NEXT GOVERNMENT IS FORMED

With political paralysis seemingly the most likely outcome of next week’s General Election, some analysts are predicting that the Princess of Cambridge may actually be old enough to vote by the time the next government is formed. Neither the Conservatives nor Labour look set to claim an overall majority, confirming fears that both parties are merely opposing cheeks of the same political arse, inevitably creating an electoral result resembling a spattering of faecal matter.

“It’s going to be very messy,” said amateur pollster, Roger Megood, “Worse than the time Ed Miliband was let loose on bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. It may well be that we just abolish the political parties and get everyone to vote independently for every piece of legislation that gets passed. It’ll be a ball ache but have you got a better idea?”

Ed Miliband, despite repeated pleas from Nicola Sturgeon to consider otherwise, continues to rule out the possibility of a coalition with the SNP,  stating that he still felt Labour would get the majority they needed. The moment the statement was made, Ladbrookes slashed the odds on a Lab-SNP coalition to 5-4.

Tories have been quick to let voters know that any delays or uncertainty in forming a new government will be punished by the markets.

“The best way to recovery is to vote in another Tory government with a stable majority. That’s the result the market wants,” said Tory activist, Willoghby Tittleframper, “Then and only then can we continue with our policy of aggressively cutting the deficit and making Britain the most unequal society in the developed world.” 

Likely to be a daily occurrence in the next Parliament.