ROYAL BABY COULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE BY THE TIME THE NEXT GOVERNMENT IS FORMED

With political paralysis seemingly the most likely outcome of next week’s General Election, some analysts are predicting that the Princess of Cambridge may actually be old enough to vote by the time the next government is formed. Neither the Conservatives nor Labour look set to claim an overall majority, confirming fears that both parties are merely opposing cheeks of the same political arse, inevitably creating an electoral result resembling a spattering of faecal matter.

“It’s going to be very messy,” said amateur pollster, Roger Megood, “Worse than the time Ed Miliband was let loose on bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. It may well be that we just abolish the political parties and get everyone to vote independently for every piece of legislation that gets passed. It’ll be a ball ache but have you got a better idea?”

Ed Miliband, despite repeated pleas from Nicola Sturgeon to consider otherwise, continues to rule out the possibility of a coalition with the SNP,  stating that he still felt Labour would get the majority they needed. The moment the statement was made, Ladbrookes slashed the odds on a Lab-SNP coalition to 5-4.

Tories have been quick to let voters know that any delays or uncertainty in forming a new government will be punished by the markets.

“The best way to recovery is to vote in another Tory government with a stable majority. That’s the result the market wants,” said Tory activist, Willoghby Tittleframper, “Then and only then can we continue with our policy of aggressively cutting the deficit and making Britain the most unequal society in the developed world.” 

Likely to be a daily occurrence in the next Parliament.