ALL PLANES TO HAVE ‘AT LEAST ONE OTHER PLANE WITH THEM’ AT ALL TIMES

With the whereabouts of the Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 yet to be determined, the International Aviation Authority has announced proposals to require all commercial airliners to fly with at least one buddy airliner in order to avoid this ever happening again. All commercial airliners will also be required to have a nominated Mummy plane, whom the airliner is to report to regularly, before, during and after long flights.

“We have all this advanced technology available to us and nothing!” said a frustrated Malaysian investigator, “Satellite pictures, nothing! GPS, nothing! Radar, nothing! I bet if the plane was made of f**king oil they would’ve found it by now…The buddy plane system is our only option.”

Many aviation experts have expressed some surprise that this current disappearing is one of so few occurrences. Amateur flight-tracker and one time terrorist-suspect, Amar O’Mara, said that given the fact that most commercial airliners go off so far on their own all the time, it’s a surprise more don’t get lost: “It’s just bound to happen really, you keep going off like that,” said O’Mara over his CB radio.

The International Aviation Authority plans to package this requirement with a raft of other proposals, including requiring planes to always have their phones on, to never talk to strangers and to always wear something warm at night, even in the summer when it’s still a bit balmy.

Exactly how friendly 'Buddy Planes' want to get, is entirely up to them.

SARAH PALIN PLEDGES ALASKAN INVASION OF RUSSIA IF PUTIN GOES TOO FAR

Former vice-presidential candidate and now increasingly bewildered Alaskan rant-lover, Sarah Palin, has vowed to invade Russia across the Baring Straits bordering Alaska, should Vladimir Putin extend his military designs beyond the Crimea. Palin, issuing a statement hours after her breast enhancement surgery – where her breasts were implanted with high calibre rifles – promised to unleash the full force of a state apparatus she has absolutely no control over.

“Gee, we’ll send our huskies, and we’ll hit’em square on the nose with our hockey pucks!” said Palin, astride the corpse of a freshly slain moose, “Golly, our first battalion hockey-mom brigade sure ain’t scared of nukes! They have no idea what they are!”

Palin’s typically hermitic ramblings have aroused no attention at all from people with actual work to do, but Tea Party activists and far-right bloggers have been in raptures at her latest outburst.

“This is exactly why we like her, she don’t take sh*t from no one!” commented on blogger, Tazer Pepperspray, “Who cares if Putin obliterates her, it’s better than sitting and doing nothing… like bunch of lazy…”

The newly formed Moms Against Putin, or MAP for short, is a coalition of concerned American mothers, all of whom share a deep-seated fear of Vladimir Putin. Palin has proved to be nothing short of messianic for MAP’s members:

“In every generation, there is a chosen one. A person who will stand up, fight against oppression and tyranny, speak for ordinary people, and kick the a** of that turd Putin!” said MAP founder and lifelong Putinphobe, Beverley Sisters, “What the esteemed Ms Palin said today confirmed that for Mothers Against Putin, she is the chosen one.”

Though Moscow has remained silent over the Palin's valium-and-insanity fueled ramblings, some insiders have suggested Putin was pleasantly surprised. It has been rumoured that Putin has emailed pictures of himself to Sarah Palin, where in typically shirtless fashion, the Russian premier is seen standing over the corpse of a moose, holding a still-smoking rifle and smoking a cigar. Whether or not Ms Palin has replied is currently unknown. 

Sarah Palin, moments before the man in front of her is killed by way of manslaughter.

REBEKAH BROOKS DENIES PHONE-HACKING THE JUDGE AT HER OWN TRIAL

The disgraced former-editor of the News of the World has denied reports that she attempted to phone-hack the judge at her own trial, despite multiple allegations that she was seen asking for the judge’s number and then sneaking off into a toilet with two mobile phones. Brooks also denied being the former editor of the News of the World, being ginger, being a woman and being a raven-haired temptress of nefarious men.

Several jury members also reported concerns that Brooks may be attempting to carry out some form of surveillance activity on them whilst the trial is taking place. One member said that late at night, he saw Brooks outside his house - poorly disguised as Spongebob Squarepants - loitering menacingly and attempting to look through his windows.

“She wasn’t even dressed as Spongebob really,” said unnamed jury member Ronald Barclay, “She was just holding a little Spongebob in front of her face. With all that bloody hair you could tell it was her.”

Several of the Police team investigating the jury member’s claims ‘just happened’ to be in Chipping Norton all at once, and so gave a press conference from the Brooks residence.

“We will be thorough and diligent in our investigations,” said PC Woodley, seated in his brand new Porsche, “There is absolutely no suggestion that our impartiality will be compromised.”  

It would appear that the Brooks desire for megalomaniacal terror shows no signs of abating: despite denying any knowledge of the whereabouts of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370, Brooks was seen leaving the Old Bailey today with a Boeing 777-shaped suitcase, which appeared to be full. She is also yet to provide an acceptable alibi for the night of Bob Crow’s death.

Brooks sees another person whose phone she can hack.

FARAGE PROMISES TO LEARN THE NAMES OF FIVE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES AHEAD OF THE UPCOMING DEBATE WITH CLEGG

For a man who intends to buy all his policies from whichever back-alley think-tank will flog ‘em to ‘im at the right price; the prospect of an actual debate on policy promises to be the most damningly-exposing political episode since John Prescott’s streaking at the House of Commons. But a resolute and determined Nigel Farage has come out fighting, stating that he will learn the names of “at least five European countries” ahead of the upcoming debate with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.

A spokesman for UKIP issued a statement at a press conference – hosted at the strip-club ‘Golden Nuggets’ - on behalf of an absent Farage, who was busy attending the annual UKIP cage-fight at a car-park in Dagenham.

“Mr Farage is determined to smack Mr Clegg’s Westminster-botty from here to Madrid, from where his kraut wife hails,” said UKIP spokesman, Johnny Gaddaffy, “Not only will he learn five names of countries, he will also learn to impersonate an offensive stereotype from each of them. The British public will realise he is our only choice when it comes to dealing with those Europeans, from Brussels to Bagdad!”

Unsurprisingly, Farage’s intentions have ruffled Liberal Democrat feathers:

“Even though Mr Clegg has worked in Brussels with EU institutions and has a far greater understanding of the issues, we are still worried, well, depressed really,” said a Lib-Dem activist, whilst in medieval stocks receiving a face-full of fruit, “We just feel that even though it’s only five names, if Farage shouts them loud enough and nails his impressions, he could still win.”

Both the Conservative and the Labour party have expressed complete ambivalence to the whole situation, with one Home Secretary (who wished to remain anonymous) suggesting that it was “as inconsequential as Stoke v West Brom when Man City v Chelsea is on the other channel”. 

Farage's impression of a Frenchman is yet to be perfected.

GENERATION BROUGHT UP ON CALL OF DUTY SHITS ITS PANTS AT THE PROSPECT OF A REAL WAR

With Putin determined to slap his military wang all over the Crimean peninsula and beyond, a cowering world is forced to hold its breath as tensions between Russia and the West reach levels rarely seen since the days of Rocky 4. Despite reassurances that under no circumstances will NATO be seeking to tackle Putin’s wang, the prospect of all-out war has drifted like a malevolent fart over hoards of worried fighting-age men. For a generation brought-up fighting on video games like Call of Duty and Battlefield, the prospect of a real war is quite simply, shit-inducing. Across the country, young people have been expressing their concern.

“Well you don’t get to re-spawn,” said Terry Berry, a worried teenager from Barnet playing Team Deathmatch in his pants, “That’s a big problem right there. You get just one life! What the fuck? It would be over in two seconds.”

A secret-report drafted by consultants for the Ministry of Defence (leaked by those same consultants), has exposed deep fears that the current generation has totally underestimated what a real conflict would be like, as the following extract shows:

“Of principal concern is the prospect that if a youngster from today is put in a close-combat situation with an opposing soldier, it is very likely that he will decide to lie-down on the floor rather than stand and shoot, as is the prevalent practice in Call of Duty…”

The fears highlighted in the leaked-report appear to be well founded, with many youngsters struggling to understand that in the event of a war, they would be required to put on clothes and leave the house.   

“It would be shit if it was like all day, every day,” said Matthew Blanchard-Fenster, a student from Exeter, “I only like playing for like an hour or so, gets boring after that, so I just have a wank or something. Would I be able to do that in a real war?”

The Russian army however, has its own problems. Though less of its conscripts are as naïve to the prospect of armed conflict as their Western counterparts, many more are liable to waste their time and risk their lives filming outrageously dangerous videos for Youtube. As one Russian military spokesman commented, “With nukes all over the place and some skater-kids on amphetamines looking for a good time… it could get messy.”  

Tomorrow's general...

PIERS MORGAN’S GREEN CARD REVOKED UPON HIS DISMISSAL FROM CNN

The US Government is keen to capitalise on perhaps the most rapid demise of a Brit in America since Hugh Grant had his junk fiddled by Divine Brown. Morgan was said to be furious with the government’s decision to revoke his green card, vowing to dedicate his whole life to smearing his former host country on Twitter. In response, the US Government released a one line statement which simply read: “F**k off you complete douche”.

Morgan was said to have been heart-broken following his dismissal from CNN, apparently pleading desperately with the news network’s producers. He offered several suggestions for other shows to replace the now defunct Piers Morgan Live: a show where Morgan interviews members of the British House of Lords, called “Piers meets Peers”, a travel programme where he visits all the nation’s piers called “Piers does Piers”, a chat show with Dragons Den’s Piers Linney on Brighton Pier called “Piers and Piers on the Pier”, and a variety show where Morgan plays a number of his own satirical sketch characters called, “Piers Piers! Piers Piers Piers!”

A member of Morgan’s team agreed to speak off the record, and following receipt of thirty-pence Sterling, she quickly agreed to defame her boss on the record.

“He couldn’t believe that they didn’t like any of his ideas, but he forgets, every single person in the USA hates him. He didn’t stand a chance. When he left the building a group of nuns from Brooklyn mugged him and stole his phone.”

Morgan was unavailable for comment on his own affairs, busy as he was on Twitter, commenting on his own affairs.

Morgan is said to - quite literally - love the smell of his own farts.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

·         Tribe of Cherokee Indians massacred outside Taunton – The visiting native-Americans were caught performing a rain dance in a car park behind the local Asda, one of the few places in the area not under six feet of water. When news spread amongst the flood ravaged locals, a damp and irate mob surrounded the dancing tribesman and beat them to death with cricket bats. It is thought that the Cherokee meant no harm, as none of them actually believed the dance really worked.

·         Welsh leek company to sponsor the first ‘World’s Biggest Leak’ competition – The inaugural competition will see the very leaky Pentagon Papers leaker, Daniel Ellsberg, pitted against the leakiest cyber-leak of the 21st Century, Edward Snowden. The competition will involve several leak and leek based events, with the eventual winner set to receive a first prize of over two hundred thousand pounds worth of leeks.

·         Ethically manufactured clothing seized from Primark – A rogue shipment of clothes - manufactured in factories offering safe working conditions and reasonable pay - has been seized by customs before it was unloaded at the Primark depot in Dagenham. A Primark spokesman said the company was urgently reviewing its supply-chain procedures and it assured shareholders that such a thing would never happen again.

·         One-Direction banned from Russia under Putin’s gay laws – The law prohibiting the promotion of homosexuality to the under-18s has taken another victim, as teenage gay-icons One Direction are banned from touring and selling products in the Russian Federation. A statement from Moscow explained that “Having a band of openly homosexual men being promoted to the under-18s is exactly the thing we are trying to prohibit with our laws. Why don’t you get that?”

Snowden or Ellsberg: Who's the biggest leak?