ZEITlies Book Reviews:
SPORTS BOOKS

If you have been watching sport at all in the past week, you may enjoy some of these new publications…

“The Spirit of Football” by Lee Dixon – The former Arsenal defender extols the virtues of “never divin’ or cheating” and always doing your best to be an “honest fella on the football field”. The book is also intended to serve as an instructional manual for children and a hate-filled polemic against Patrick Viera, with chapters on "Playing fair" and "Fair play".

“The Spirit of Football is Dead” by Patrick Viera – The former Arsenal midfielder extols the virtues of the modern game, rationalising that diving, cheating, bribing and all out skulduggery are quite simply “part of the game”. Viera’s book is intended to serve as an instructional manual for children, with chapters on “How to be dirty” and “How to be jammy”.

“The Gentleman’s Cricket Handbook” by Rangana Herath – The Sri Lankan spin bowler proved himself to be a true gentleman by giving his wicket away to hosts England when the recent test match hung in the balance. In his new book Herath reveals more gentlemanly tips and tricks that are also not complete misunderstandings of the Laws of the Game.

Herath graciously sends the batsman back after clean bowling him.

TERESA MAY OWNS MICHAEL GOVE… AND SHE KNOWS IT

Whitehall has been alive with the sound of inter-departmental bickering as Teresa May and Michael Gove exchanged angry letters debating who should be responsible for the failure to deal with a suspected Islamist plot in Birmingham’s schools. As the dust settled on another round of Westminster cat-fighting, the prevailing opinion was that the Home Secretary comprehensively owned the Education Minister… and she knew it.

“She’s swanning about the place like she’s the hot shit,” said an unnamed Tory insider, “She keeps picking on Gove too, trying to trip him up, smirking whenever he talks and stealing Kit-Kats from his locker. It’s basically bullying now.”

The Education Minister is said to have spent more and more time locked away in a darkened room, laughing maniacally into the black. The Prime Minister has refused to comment on the situation, though a Downing Street spokesman said “he just wanted to give Michael a bit of time.”

Owns him... and she knows it.

UKIP ELECTION WIN CONFIRMS THE WORST: THERE’S MORE TWATS ABOUT THAN WE THOUGHT

The nation is still reverberating from the tremors of the UKIP political earthquake which saw the first non-LabCon party in 90 years win an election in the UK, brushing-off all contenders in a stunning rout.  The result left many shocked British voters pondering one crushing realisation: there really are more twats about than we thought.

As the waters of the UKIP tsunami recede, leaving a detritus of Tetley bitter cans, Bernard Manning DVDs and England football shirts, political pollsters are now seeking to ascertain exactly how many twats are actually out there.

“We knew there were a lot of twats, what with The Voice being so popular and all, but the UKIP election win was simply another level,” mused famed internet pollster, Bate Sliver, “There really are so many more twats out there than even the most cynical of us thought.”

Ruining a car parking space near you.

It is widely believed that the distribution of twats is generally uneven throughout the UK, with some areas showing very few, but in parts of Essex twat numbers are said to be so high that twats outnumber non-twats in many towns. Some analysts believe Essex could become the first twat-majority county by 2015.

Related News: The Ultra Knowledgeable Institute of Paedophiles has seen a huge surge in its membership following the European elections last weekend, with many easily-confused voters joining under the mistaken apprehension that it was the United Kingdom Independence Party.

“We have had many people join us thinking we were UKIP, most of them left when they realised we weren’t, “commented the Institute’s membership secretary, Dirty Phil, “I guess it’s an easy mistake to make.”

Farage has refused to comment on the latest bizarre fiasco, but critics have been quick to suggest that this is further evidence that most UKIP voters have no idea what they are signing-up to.

PRINCE CHARLES COMPARES THAILAND WITH NAZI GERMANY

In another misguided attempt at making a populist statement to resonate with the masses, Prince Charles has evoked the spectre of fascism yet again by comparing the military-coup in Thailand to Nazi Germany. Following his comparison of Putin’s Russia with Nazi Germany earlier in the week, which caused widespread forehead-slapping across the world, Charlie suffered another bout of ill-deserved confidence and voiced his opinions on the military-coup in Thailand.

“We think it’s just a phase he’s going through,” said Times hack, Felicity Crackersnatch, “His staff say he’s comparing everything to Nazi Germany at the moment, everything. Sainsbury’s, flocks of skylarks, Tracker bars, lorries, you name it, Charlie thinks it’s like Nazi Germany.”

The military government in Thailand are said to be mortified and bewildered with the Prince of Wales’ comparison. A military spokesman - recently returned to base following a day’s solid coup-ing - expressed his frustration:

“We are nothing like Nazi Germany, I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Private Pakatak, “He’s the one who’s like Nazi Germany… look at him.”

The Coalition government have remained silent on the Prince of Wales’ trans-continental diplomatic stink bombs, busy instead with losing the European MP elections to UKIP; though one government official did comment privately on the latest gaffe.

“What did he say? Is he voting UKIP as well?” said unnamed government insider, David Cameron, “He fucking told me he wouldn’t do that.” 

Prince Charles hears something he believes could be Nazi Germany.

CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF SUNSHINE CAUSE BRITS TO WISH THEY LIVED SOMEWHERE ELSE

As the country bathes in glorious sunshine for the second day in a row, millions of Brits are suddenly wishing they lived somewhere else. As the nation’s parks and gardens filled with throngs of sun-deprived people, it wasn’t long before many were dreaming of what life would be like living somewhere hot.

“Oh I just wish it was like this every day,” said secretary from Essex, Amy Ames, wearing a pair of Gucci sunglasses and an elastic band, “It’s just like being in Magaluf. Except this morning I didn’t wake up covered in vomit and a few mobile phone salesmen from Dagenham, you know what I mean!”

The roads were particularly perilous, with frequent reports of drivers veering off the road after starring endlessly at the blue sky, dreamily fantasizing of life in a hot country. In Barking, a bus driver is to be disciplined after admitting dreaming about the south of France whilst driving the number 25 bus into the store window of the local Boots. Passengers also reported that the driver was listening to “summery music, like reggae and that…”

Kevin heard property in Greece was really cheap...

SPORTS NEWS ROUND-UP

Rio Olympic Committee look to IKEA for answers– The beleaguered Olympic Committee have sought the help of Swedish flat pack shoe rack champions IKEA, in attempt to find a quick fix to bring the frighteningly-behind building plans back from the brink. With only ten percent of the scheduled building works completed, Rio officials hope IKEA’s flat pack magic can conjure a answer to their prayers, with enquiries made about purchasing a flat pack stadium, velodrome, aquatic centre and athlete's village.

Manchester United consider Nigel Farage for the manager’s position – With shareholders at the club expecting fan numbers to drop by up to 98 percent if current form continues, the board is apparently considering “every populist strategy that you could ever conceive” in a desperate attempt to win back morsels of public affection. One United insider commented, “It’s just about getting bums on seats. Nigel does that these days… even if he is a bit of a twat.”

Kevin Pietersen prays for Sri Lankan win at temple in New Delhi – After failing to score runs on the pitch for much of this year’s IPL, Pietersen is at least making some use of his time in India, after he reportedly said a prayer for Sri Lanka at a temple on the outskirts of New Delhi. So eager was Pietersen to pray for a Sri Lanka win in the upcoming one-day and test series with his former side England, he is reported to have asked a taxi driver to take him to the nearest available temple. “He said he didn’t care about the religion, it just had to be old, and holy,” said Taxi driver, Sanju Gulmachi, “I couldn’t find a temple or a mosque so I took him to a nice restaurant and he prayed in front of the Ganesh statue in the foyer. Then he had a butter chicken with two pieces of naan.”

Barry loves Sumo because of the way it makes him feel.

Secret government report slams the chances of English Sumo -wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup – Following the leaked government document which scoffed at England’s chances in the upcoming football World Cup, another stolen memorandum has comprehensively slammed the chances of English Sumo-wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup in Frankfurt. But the English Sumo community has been oddly quiet in response to the government’s grim assessment of their chances. One unnamed insider did comment: “It’s because we are shit, everyone already knows this. We’re English Sumo wrestlers for f**ks sake.”  

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Disgraced British TV Star Stuart Hall forced to issue statement denying knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing Nigerian schoolgirls – Following the sordid revelations of his predatory sexual dick-banditry with underage girls in BBC dressing rooms, Hall’s team were compelled to issue a statement categorically denying knowing where the missing schoolgirls might be. After a visit to the Hall residence late last night, Police are said to be satisfied that his garage is “no way near big enough to hold 200 schoolgirls, not even thin ones”.

Canadian cannabis vending machines create unforeseen situations – Many machines have had the walls in their peripheral area gnawed at as vendo-mashed stoners desperately seek to sate their munchies on any available solid. In addition to this, in every instance of an attempted theft from a machine the would-be thief has been immediately apprehended, with the miscreant typically found metres away from the machine sitting on the floor stoned.

Not fans of Eurovision. 

Al-Shabaab’s promise to disrupt Eurovision welcomed by all - Militant Somalian Islamist group, Al-Shabaab have promised to disrupt the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest in a move that has won supporters from all quarters. The exact plans of the Al-Shabaab operation are a closely guarded secret, but the group has not yet ruled out performing a song of their own – written with Will-i-Am – which purportedly exposits the fundamentals of their radical Islamist dogma, but has an absolutely wicked beat and really cool synth.

Fear of match-fixing creates unbridled paranoia at Pepsi IPL – Fans are reportedly so suspicious that every single event in each of the cricket matches at this year’s IPL could in fact be fixed, many are suffering aneurysms and haemorrhages owing to breakouts of unbridled paranoia. Every time a wicket falls, a catch is dropped or a no ball is bowled, the number of stricken patients streaming into India’s hospitals suffering with paranoia-related injuries increases. Dubai-based bookmaking firm, I T Akallofdat PVT Limited, have reportedly starting taking bets on which hospital will admit the most patients in any particular hour.

Spectacular fix.