PRINCE CHARLES COMPARES THAILAND WITH NAZI GERMANY

In another misguided attempt at making a populist statement to resonate with the masses, Prince Charles has evoked the spectre of fascism yet again by comparing the military-coup in Thailand to Nazi Germany. Following his comparison of Putin’s Russia with Nazi Germany earlier in the week, which caused widespread forehead-slapping across the world, Charlie suffered another bout of ill-deserved confidence and voiced his opinions on the military-coup in Thailand.

“We think it’s just a phase he’s going through,” said Times hack, Felicity Crackersnatch, “His staff say he’s comparing everything to Nazi Germany at the moment, everything. Sainsbury’s, flocks of skylarks, Tracker bars, lorries, you name it, Charlie thinks it’s like Nazi Germany.”

The military government in Thailand are said to be mortified and bewildered with the Prince of Wales’ comparison. A military spokesman - recently returned to base following a day’s solid coup-ing - expressed his frustration:

“We are nothing like Nazi Germany, I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Private Pakatak, “He’s the one who’s like Nazi Germany… look at him.”

The Coalition government have remained silent on the Prince of Wales’ trans-continental diplomatic stink bombs, busy instead with losing the European MP elections to UKIP; though one government official did comment privately on the latest gaffe.

“What did he say? Is he voting UKIP as well?” said unnamed government insider, David Cameron, “He fucking told me he wouldn’t do that.” 

Prince Charles hears something he believes could be Nazi Germany.

CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF SUNSHINE CAUSE BRITS TO WISH THEY LIVED SOMEWHERE ELSE

As the country bathes in glorious sunshine for the second day in a row, millions of Brits are suddenly wishing they lived somewhere else. As the nation’s parks and gardens filled with throngs of sun-deprived people, it wasn’t long before many were dreaming of what life would be like living somewhere hot.

“Oh I just wish it was like this every day,” said secretary from Essex, Amy Ames, wearing a pair of Gucci sunglasses and an elastic band, “It’s just like being in Magaluf. Except this morning I didn’t wake up covered in vomit and a few mobile phone salesmen from Dagenham, you know what I mean!”

The roads were particularly perilous, with frequent reports of drivers veering off the road after starring endlessly at the blue sky, dreamily fantasizing of life in a hot country. In Barking, a bus driver is to be disciplined after admitting dreaming about the south of France whilst driving the number 25 bus into the store window of the local Boots. Passengers also reported that the driver was listening to “summery music, like reggae and that…”

Kevin heard property in Greece was really cheap...

SPORTS NEWS ROUND-UP

Rio Olympic Committee look to IKEA for answers– The beleaguered Olympic Committee have sought the help of Swedish flat pack shoe rack champions IKEA, in attempt to find a quick fix to bring the frighteningly-behind building plans back from the brink. With only ten percent of the scheduled building works completed, Rio officials hope IKEA’s flat pack magic can conjure a answer to their prayers, with enquiries made about purchasing a flat pack stadium, velodrome, aquatic centre and athlete's village.

Manchester United consider Nigel Farage for the manager’s position – With shareholders at the club expecting fan numbers to drop by up to 98 percent if current form continues, the board is apparently considering “every populist strategy that you could ever conceive” in a desperate attempt to win back morsels of public affection. One United insider commented, “It’s just about getting bums on seats. Nigel does that these days… even if he is a bit of a twat.”

Kevin Pietersen prays for Sri Lankan win at temple in New Delhi – After failing to score runs on the pitch for much of this year’s IPL, Pietersen is at least making some use of his time in India, after he reportedly said a prayer for Sri Lanka at a temple on the outskirts of New Delhi. So eager was Pietersen to pray for a Sri Lanka win in the upcoming one-day and test series with his former side England, he is reported to have asked a taxi driver to take him to the nearest available temple. “He said he didn’t care about the religion, it just had to be old, and holy,” said Taxi driver, Sanju Gulmachi, “I couldn’t find a temple or a mosque so I took him to a nice restaurant and he prayed in front of the Ganesh statue in the foyer. Then he had a butter chicken with two pieces of naan.”

Barry loves Sumo because of the way it makes him feel.

Secret government report slams the chances of English Sumo -wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup – Following the leaked government document which scoffed at England’s chances in the upcoming football World Cup, another stolen memorandum has comprehensively slammed the chances of English Sumo-wrestlers at the upcoming Sumo World Cup in Frankfurt. But the English Sumo community has been oddly quiet in response to the government’s grim assessment of their chances. One unnamed insider did comment: “It’s because we are shit, everyone already knows this. We’re English Sumo wrestlers for f**ks sake.”  

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Disgraced British TV Star Stuart Hall forced to issue statement denying knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing Nigerian schoolgirls – Following the sordid revelations of his predatory sexual dick-banditry with underage girls in BBC dressing rooms, Hall’s team were compelled to issue a statement categorically denying knowing where the missing schoolgirls might be. After a visit to the Hall residence late last night, Police are said to be satisfied that his garage is “no way near big enough to hold 200 schoolgirls, not even thin ones”.

Canadian cannabis vending machines create unforeseen situations – Many machines have had the walls in their peripheral area gnawed at as vendo-mashed stoners desperately seek to sate their munchies on any available solid. In addition to this, in every instance of an attempted theft from a machine the would-be thief has been immediately apprehended, with the miscreant typically found metres away from the machine sitting on the floor stoned.

Not fans of Eurovision. 

Al-Shabaab’s promise to disrupt Eurovision welcomed by all - Militant Somalian Islamist group, Al-Shabaab have promised to disrupt the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest in a move that has won supporters from all quarters. The exact plans of the Al-Shabaab operation are a closely guarded secret, but the group has not yet ruled out performing a song of their own – written with Will-i-Am – which purportedly exposits the fundamentals of their radical Islamist dogma, but has an absolutely wicked beat and really cool synth.

Fear of match-fixing creates unbridled paranoia at Pepsi IPL – Fans are reportedly so suspicious that every single event in each of the cricket matches at this year’s IPL could in fact be fixed, many are suffering aneurysms and haemorrhages owing to breakouts of unbridled paranoia. Every time a wicket falls, a catch is dropped or a no ball is bowled, the number of stricken patients streaming into India’s hospitals suffering with paranoia-related injuries increases. Dubai-based bookmaking firm, I T Akallofdat PVT Limited, have reportedly starting taking bets on which hospital will admit the most patients in any particular hour.

Spectacular fix.

FARAGE DENIES RUMOURS THAT UKIP PLAN TO LEGALISE RACISM

As each day passes and another hoard of racist UKIP members is grimly uncovered, an increasingly confused – and possibly not that racist - Nigel Farage has been forced to deny rumours that if it were to be in office, a UKIP government would be forced to legalise racism.

“As more and more members are proving themselves to be filthy racists,” said Anti-Racism campaigner, Omar Godyeh, “In order to keep the majority its cabinet out of jail, a UKIP government would have to legalise racism.”

But Farage has hit back, forcefully denying the allegation that his party is filled with race-baiting hate-mongers and xenophobic genitally deficient little-Englanders, claiming that the number of racist UKIP members and electoral candidates has been blown wildly out of proportion.

“Look, I’m sick of having to say this, but just because 98% of our members are racist, it doesn’t mean that we’re all racist,” said Farage, flicking through the final copy of recently-closed lad-mag Nuts, “We’re a genuine alternative to the Westminster bigwigs…. look at the jugs on that darkie!”

UKIP members show little imagination at a fancy dress party.

ENGLAND'S PRIMARY SCHOOL PLACES TO BE DECIDED BY TV TALENT SHOW

With one in five English parents now unable to secure their first-choice primary school for their child, many are readying their little-ones for a fight to the death to secure the best school spots. Keen to avoid a bloodbath, the Department for Education has announced that the fairest way to deal with the ever-shrinking number of primary school places is for each one to be decided by a TV talent contest, with members of the public phoning-in to vote for the child they believe deserves the place the most.

“We will have a panel of judges that pick five kids to go to a public vote at the end of each episode,” said TV producer, Noel Limittocrass, “The kid that wins the public vote gets a primary school place! We already have ten education boards signed up!”

Simon Cowell will inevitably head the panel of judges, though he was unavailable to confirm his participation owing to his attendance at the twelfth-annual International Man of Sex Awards, hosted in the master-bedroom of his London house.

The internet is already rife with speculation as to who the remaining judges will be and what sort of material will be most well received.

“I heard it’s gonna be one of them Strictly judges,” said a concerned parent, Andy Wosgon, “I’ll probably just get the boy doing a bit of fox-trot, increase his chances.”

The government has predictably denied suggestions that investing more money into education would go some way to alleviating the problem, stating that the idea that newly built primary schools would somehow increase the number of school places was “complete pie-in-the-sky tosh”.

Some kids will find it easier than others.