ZEITguide…

Hosting an international sporting event...

Hosting international sporting events in countries that seem fundamentally unsuitable for them appears to be a growing trend amongst avaricious and bung-loving global sporting administrators. Gone are the days when the suitability of a country’s human rights record or even its climate was considered to be a key factor in deciding whether to award the hosting privileges of the Olympics or the FIFA World Cup. Now the only thing that matters is the fatness of the wad shoved into the back pockets of corrupt administrators as they are courted by unsavoury governments the world over. Oh well, what to do? ZEITguide has decided to take a look at what makes a great international sporting event...

1.       Mystifyingly lavish expenditure on one particular item – Sochi 2014 has outdone several of its past competitors on this front, spending mind-boggling amounts on several items. From the nightmare-inducing giant animatronic teddy bears of the opening ceremony, to the biggest flat screen television the world has ever seen – Sochi 2014 has spent more money on hosting than all the previous Winter Olympics combined. Perhaps the most lavish item is the $8 billion Polyana Highway (with most of the money ending up in the mink-lined pocket of an oligarch), which one Russian commentator suggested would have been cheaper to build had it been paved with gold or caviar. It does have a pretty nice petrol station on it though.

2.       Completely unsustainable finance arrangement – Whilst Sochi’s eye-watering expenditure is to be sustained by unusually high oil prices and a nationwide policy of investing zero Rubles in Russia’s under-privileged, other countries haven’t been able to rely on a wealth of natural resources or a penchant for despotism to fund their profligacy. The $1.5 billion spent on the Montreal Olympics in 1976 was only paid off by the Quebec state government in 2006, and the debt incurred by the Greek government in hosting Athens 2004 helped create a sovereign debt crisis that continues to tear the country to shreds even today. Sadly for the Canadians and the Greeks, they had neither oil, nor Putin.

3.       Ah Human rights, human schmites! – From as long ago as the Berlin Olympics of 1936, international sporting event organisers have chosen to casually overlook a nation’s domestic human rights record, in favour of finding the best, most shiny place to host a big party. The FIFA World Cup in Qatar is the latest selection to follow this trend, with studies showing that in certain parts of Doha, grains of sand have a greater entitlement to human rights than the South-Asian workers currently constructing the stadiums.

A quick look at the Athens 2004 stadium today suggests it wasn't a wise investment.

SAN FRANCISCO GAY COMMUNE MAKES IT ILLEGAL TO BE RUSSIAN

As the outpouring of criticism regarding Russia’s anti-gay laws reaches fever pitch around the world, one gay commune in California’s Bay Area - Four Seasons of Fabulous - has taken the retaliatory step of banning Russians and the ‘promotion of Russia to the under-eighteens’ on its premises. This includes prohibiting Russian propagandist material such as Lenin t-shirts, Tatu CDs, Chekhov books, vodka, Tetris games and the little dolls with smaller dolls inside them – an item that was previously one of the most popular artefacts in the commune.

“We thought the only way to respond to their hate, was with hate of our own,” said Fabulous Jackson, the commune’s President, “If people want to promote Russia to the under-eighteens, then then nearest place they can do that is a small courtyard under a freeway fly-over, about half an hour’s drive from here. They can do what they want over there…. though f**k all people will see ‘em.”

A spokesman for the Russian foreign ministry has expressed outrage at the commune’s decision, suggesting that it is a sinister attempt to marginalise a much maligned community in the US.

“It’s completely unacceptable, but what can we do?” said Boris Grinderov, polishing his framed picture of Putin, “When those gays get angry they can be a really bitchy bunch. Who wants to fight with them? Shit, I don’t want scratch marks all over my face.”

Four Seasons of Fabulous is also reviewing its policies with respect to people from other nations that presently have anti-gay statutes on their books.

“Obviously the Indian issue is a tricky one,” said Jackson, simultaneously painting his finger nails and bench-pressing 150 lbs, “We used to let them in, but then they changed their laws! A lot of people say that they will be changed back, so we have an internment centre on-site for Indians, housing them until their government finally overturns the recent Supreme Court decision. They also sell fabulous savoury treats from there, which we would be loath to losing.” 

Who knows whether this guy will be let in....

SPORT NEWS ROUND UP:

·         ECB do the world’s bowlers a favour by dropping Kevin Pietersen – The Stalinist management of the England Cricket Team have decided to respond to their recent 5-0 drubbing in the Ashes by dropping their best batsmen. If they fail to register wins on their upcoming tours, the side’s best bowler, Stuart Broad, is also likely to be dropped; and if that doesn’t bring the desired result, batsmen will have their bats taken away and bowlers will have to wear lead-weighted boots.

·        Rafael Nadal’s right arm sues left arm for lost earnings – The tennis ace’s much smaller right limb is suing the much more burly left for lost earnings from arm-modelling contracts that have been awarded exclusively to the left. Lawyers for the right arm argue that the left would scarcely be as burly – and thus marketable to arm enthusiasts across the world - were it not for the continuing efforts of the right. Nadal’s right and left pectoral reached a settlement in similar contentious proceedings last year.

Man United's new Scotland kit

·         Manchester United boss David Moyes denies he is living out his dream in their new away kit – The struggling Premiership manager denies any suggestions that the new kit is a poor approximation of the Scotland kit, stating that all decisions regarding the kit were taken by the manufacturer. Some United insiders however are not convinced, particularly in light of his plans to rename Old Trafford to ‘Old Hampden Park’, and to play ‘Flower of Scotland’ before matches.

·         IOC to clamp down on curling-related-violence at Sochi 2014 – Following an outbreak of violence at recent pre-Winter Olympic curling matches, the IOC is keen to ensure such behaviour doesn’t take place at Sochi. A recent tournament in Finland saw viscous fighting breaking out between several of the teams competing. Norwegian curler Gunnar Thensom hurled a stone at his Swedish counterpart Sven Svensson, before chasing him with a broom for twenty minutes. He was eventually hauled away by security staff shouting “Your ass is mine Svensson! Mine!”

The worrying phenomenon of curling rage.

COALITION GOVERNMENT INTRODUCE OXYGEN TAX FOR BENEFITS CLAIMANTS

In another attempt to pillage the nation’s most downtrodden and vulnerable, the Coalition government has announced plans to supplement the ‘Bedroom Tax’ (a penalty imposed on benefits claimants with ‘spare bedrooms’) with a new ‘Oxygen Tax’, for all ‘spare’ cubic metres of oxygen in a benefit claimant’s property that are not being used at any one time.

A Home Office spokesman said the moves were a fundamental part of the drive to reform the welfare sector:

“We want to send the message that work pays,” the spokesman said whilst cantering an Arabian thoroughbred, “If you work, you can lap-up all the oxygen you want. You can breathe it in for fun! But, if you’re going to be fat, lazy and ugly, then you should be prepared to pay more for your right to respire.”

The government plan to remove 5 pounds from a claimant’s Universal Credit for each ‘spare’ cubic metre of oxygen present in the home. A UN spokesman has voiced concern that the policy stands to breach the benefits claimants’ right to life under the Universal Declaration on Human Rights.

“The policy is a little too far-reaching for our liking,” said the bemused spokesman, “The fact that the average benefits claimant is set to lose 98% of their entitlement is a problem. The fact that the policy will affect some 99.9% of claimants is a further concern.”

As with the Bedroom Tax, rather than whipping claimants into shape and yanking them up by their trainer laces, the Oxygen Tax is instead prompting aggrieved and out-of-pocket welfare claimants to resort to extreme measures.

“When they started taxing our spare bedroom we thought, f**k that, we’ll use it to grow weed,” said Mr P Taker, “Now we they’re taxing our spare oxygen, we’re gonna bottle up what we have and flog it on the black market. The Chinese are buying it up by the shit-load so we can cash in!”

When it comes to saving oxygen, every little helps.

JUSTIN BIEBER TO BUNK WITH EDWARD SNOWDEN TILL SH*T CALMS DOWN

The teenage Canadian pop sensation is facing the wrath of the American public following a string of recent incidents showcasing his unmistakably bad-boy style. Drag races in Lamborghinis (though some witnesses say they were really Lamborghini races in drag), driving under the influence of drugs and assaulting limo drivers: Bieber’s unfettered desire to be the world’s greatest rouge and bounder shows no sign of abating.

Bieber’s self-imposed re-brand of himself, from being a pube-free teenage-girl tempter, to a steroid-fuelled, reverse-baseball-cap-wearing jack*ss, has caused much consternation in the American showbiz community.  Some are saying that it is only a matter of time before the juiced-up Canadian warbler has a showdown with another steroid-induced self-styled bad-boy, Shia Leboeuf. Tentative predictions from bookmakers suggest that in a fight, it is likely that both parties would come out losing. Leboeuf was unavailable for comment, recovering in hospital after a scuffle he had in London, where following the consumption of an entire half-pint of beer, he picked a fight with the front row of the Harlequins rugby team.

Understandably, Justin Bieber’s management team are keen to keep their star away from further trouble, and following news of a petition, comprised of 10,000 signatures, demanding Bieber’s expulsion from the US, his management team feel they have no option other than to take Bieber into hiding until “sh*t calms down.”

“Fortunately for us, everyone is a fan of Justin’s music, and Vladimir Putin is no exception,” a perma-tanned PR representative for Bieber commented, “Apparently he likes to listen to his album when he’s hunting shirtless, or riding horseback shirtless, or even attending the Kremlin shirtless. He was more than happy to accommodate Justin in his hour of need”.

Snowden's alternative to bunking with Bieber

The Canadian pop sensation will be whisked to the secret location in Russia where wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden is currently hiding. Snowden however, has reportedly not taken the news well. Immediately upon discovering his fate, he requested for a batch of ricin capsules to be sent to his quarters by the KGB, and is now said to be strongly considering extradition to the US, despite the severity of punishment that such a move would bring. 

ONE DIRECTION CANCEL NORTH KOREA TOUR FOLLOWING RODMAN INVESTIGATION

One Direction have been forced to cancel their upcoming tour of North Korea, following news that Dennis Rodman is to be investigated for breaking sanctions during his visit to Pyongyang. The North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-Un, is said to be heartbroken, having “waited ages” for the tour, and even getting a tattoo of teenage heartthrob, Harry Styles, on his right pectoral. However, the potential for punitive measures being taken against Rodman has put-off other prospective visitors, including pre-pubescent girl-bate super-group, One Direction.

The company managing One Direction’s tours, X-ploitatainment Productions, are equally disappointed, making the decision reluctantly after hours of pained deliberation. A spokesman for the company explained how they had prepared assiduously for the tour, visiting Pyongyang frequently to prepare venues, transporting enriched uranium to carry favours, and even educating the boy-band members in the basics of communist philosophy. The entire band were suitably brain-washed within fifteen minutes, but the process has been a little tough to reverse.

“Oh I totally get it now,” said Styles in a recent press-conference, “We can’t do this because of the international capital system and the dialectical materialistication. And decadence. And… yeah, that is all.” 

But whilst disappointment reigned, the spokesman for X-ploitatainment tried to put a positive spin on the situation.

“We haven’t given up on North Korea yet,” said the spokesman, “We plan to appeal to the UN as we hear Ban-Ki Moon is a massive fan, particularly of Louis and Zayn. We’ll probably throw together a little presentation for him, maybe get the boys to sing ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ whilst playing with their hair straighteners, you know, something awesome.”

Kim Jong-Un hears of One Direction's tour cancellation.

MAN FROM THE FUTURE LAUGHS HIS ASS OFF AT UK’S CLIMATE CHANGE POLICY

Following the revelation that spending to combat climate change has fallen some 41% under Coalition environment secretary, Owen Paterson, amidst growing suspicions of 'climate skepticism' in the government, a time-travelling man from the future is reported to have laughed his ass-off with disbelief. Time-travelling resident of the year 2614, Sal Webdesignerman, was seen rolling about on the floor in hysterics in the middle of Leicester Square, after he picked up a copy of a newspaper during his two week holiday in 2014.

“Well I always wanted to visit the early 21^st century; in the future this is certainly viewed as one of the most hilarious periods in history,” said Sal, crouched in a sitting pose, having evolved to do so through five hundred years of sedentary living, “I mean alcohol is still legal, but weed isn't, straight people who are murderers can get married, but gay people who are nice can’t; and some people still think climate change is bullshit! It’s fucking hilarious man.”

The 27^th century tourist went on to ask whether 21^st century folk still thought the world was flat; and discovering that only some of them did, vowed to make another holiday to a time or place where everyone did – like 14^th century Europe, or 21^st century Utah.

A Tory spokesman from DEFRA scoffed at the reaction from Webdesignerman, saying in a press conference, “Ha! What does a man from the future know about what’s going to happen? Bloody Trotskyist clap-trap, requisitionist hullabulloo, heresiarchal gobbledy-gook! Who wants to listen to that?”

The environment secretary was unavailable for comment, busy with his visit to Somerset to speak with flood-ravaged locals. But inadvertently-homoerotic novelist and ardent climate-change-denier, James Delingpole, spoke out defiantly against Webdesignerman's words, "Just because a man from the future, who has seen what will happen in the next five-hundred years, has said that climate change will happen; there is still no real evidence that it's going to happen, in the way that the dandified, Guardian-reading, bourgeois-left are saying."  

Climate-change skeptic James Delingpole insists that
 outdoor-badminton is still on the cards.