ART GARFUNKEL BELIEVES PAUL SIMON IS BEHIND THE GLOBAL EBOLA OUTBREAK

Legendary musician and one time partner in seminally important folk-duo of the sixties and seventies, Art Garfunkel, has spoken out on the issue of the Ebola virus, which is now spreading its way out of Africa and across the world like a marauding malevolence, seemingly unstoppable to the forces of good, rather like UKIP. Garfunkel believes that when applying the principal of Occam’s razor to the situation, given the virus' genesis in Africa and onward transmission to the West, it is most likely that Paul Simon is the man responsible.

“Everyone knows he goes to Africa all the time, exploiting those groovy people, it’s so sad, yeah so saaad, so sad I know, so sad I know….” said and then sang the sixties-warbler, “And then we know he travels a lot generally, I mean hello? It’s obviously him that’s spreading the damn thing.”

Paul Simon immediately responded to the accusations, calling them “fallacious and incredible” and adding that Garkfunkel was “little more than a raven-haired fantasist with peanut balls and a mushroom for a dick.”

As a precautionary measure, the US Government has quarantined Simon and his immediate friends and family, having already put down the oldest, fattest and most ‘dispensable’ members. Simon’s lawyers appealed the decision to quarantine Mr Simon and his family, but in an unfortunate verdict, the lawyers were also been sent into quarantine as a precautionary measure, leaving Simon in a dire situation.

Garfunkel: "Sometimes I swear you could smell the Ebola on him..."

LONDON’S MUSLIMS ERECT STATUE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL MADE ENTIRELY FROM OLD COPIES OF THE QUR’AN

In response to the pathetically cynical attempt by The Sun newspaper to assist Britain’s Muslims in proving their Britishness, members of an East London mosque have erected a statue of long-time alcoholic racist and reigning Best Briton Ever, Winston Churchill, made entirely from old copies of the Qur’an, hoping to affirm their identity as British Muslims.

“We hope it sends a message to all and sundry that we are as British as everyone else,” said the statue’s creator, Kamal Yupip-ul-Islam, “But, we are Muslims, so like this statue, we are sort of made of old Qur’ans, and of course, a natural fruit-based adhesive.”

A local UKIP councillor was quick to take to Twitter to voice her disgust at the mosque’s statue, in a stinging denouncement of the statue and its creators:

“@Iaintracistyoupaki what a disgrace! Disrispeckting cherchill and giving us the Obama virus! They’ve gone to far."

However, the statue and its intentions have received praise from many artists in the London art scene, including bed-scene-queen Tracy Emin, who said:

“Well Churchill is a subject I tried to tackle as well,” said Emin whilst smearing corn-fed chicken excreta onto a poodle on her lap, “But I decided to use the medium of chilled whale semen, which was an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful idea.”

The Churchill statue in Dover is made entirely from bird excreta.

WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Spanish hospital quarantines Ebola patients in nearby nursery school – With several disgruntled health workers in Madrid tweeting photos of a Madrid hospital’s cell-shatteringly sorry efforts at keeping an Ebola patient in quarantine, it became apparent that Spanish authorities were banking on Ebola germs to be about as easy to spot as a five-stone Labrador. Further surprising miscalculations have included sending quarantined patients to ‘chill’ at a local nursery school, and asking health workers to shower with their patients in order to ‘create solidarity’.

Obama finds the image of himself in an old picture in the attic has gradually turned into George W. Bush – As his first botched attempt at a military incursion into the familiar stomping ground of misguided US Presidents falters in the face of stern resistance, Obama realises that ISIL is quickly becoming another Iraq – in Iraq… and Syria as well this time. As the president’s worst fears slowly come to fruition it is reported he was further smashed by a blow of Oscar Wildean proportions, when he discovered that an old portrait of himself long stored away in his attic, had slowly changed into a 

portrait of George W. Bush (wearing a cowboy hat and casually grasping his phallus).  

Narendra Modi to star in the latest digital remake of Star Wars – Following his bewildering deployment of Star Wars lexicon in front of thousands of delirious Indian Americans at a glitzy event in the US, Narendra Modi has been offered write-in role in George Lucas’s latest digital remake of Star Wars. It is reported that Modi will play a benevolent leader from a far-away planet of merchants and IT workers, and will appear reasonable, wise and beneficent, but with a slightly questionable attitude towards Muslims.

"Politics shouldn't influence the judiciary" said the cow.

Friesian cow turns down job of Attorney General in Wisconsin – A Friesian cow has turned down the job of Attorney General in Wisconsin, citing the growing incursions of political influence to be her main reason for stepping back. The cow further added that she wished the new Attorney General the best of luck but re-iterated that she was not seeking to take office, now or in the future. The cow explained that she would spend the foreseeable future grazing in a field and swatting flies with her tail, and beyond that, possibly a family law practice.  

CONFUSED SCOT BNP MEMBERS LOOK TO JOIN SNP FOLLOWING SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

Along with the plethora of misinterpretations, delusions, misjudgements and general confused ramblings surrounding Scottish independence, it has been reported that large numbers of Scottish members of the far-right BNP (British National Party) have joined the SNP (Scottish National Party) in anticipation of independence, unaware that there may be slight ideological differences.

“Obviously we welcome anyone who wants to join us in making history,” said SNP spokesman Hamish Ewadtaedrink, “But we want to make it perfectly clear, we are not looking to form an ethnically pure Scotland. I mean we sort of are, like, we don’t want English people here. Well, that’s not true, we do want English people, just not British… or Chinese or something.”

One Scottish BNP member explains his decision to join the Scottish National Party:

“I thought it was just a straight swap really and that Salmond has a lot of Griffin in him if you ask me,” said lifelong racist Donald McDonald, “Give him a glass eye and you’ve got the full package.”

The BNP has remained silent on the latest exodus of members from its ranks, though many insiders are now wondering whether ethnic Scots should be a new focus for their racist designs, with one far-right blogger claiming “they’re basically foreign now, which means they need a kicking”.

Scot BNP members' prejudice extends to small-case letters.

SPORTS JOURNALISM HITS NEW HEIGHTS AS REPORTER TAKES DILDO IN EAR LIVE ON AIR

It was turned on as well...

EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT OF PEOPLE LIST NARCISSISM AS A HOBBY IN RECENT SURVEY

A survey conducted by polling organisation, GRE-CPol, which interviewed over ten thousand UK residents between the ages of sixteen and thirty, discovered that a staggering eighty-five percent of people now list narcissism as a hobby. Narcissism is now by far the most popular hobby amongst young people in the UK today, beating previous top hobbies ‘watching TV’ and ‘fucking about on the internet’ into second and third places respectively.

“Obviously we framed narcissism quite widely, to include more than just selfies,” explained GRE-CPol statistician, Stan Dardevyashan, “We included things like the recent ice-bucket challenge, most holiday snaps, and photos uploaded of third-parties in whose reflected glory the uploader seeks to bask in.”

The government’s opposition was quick to respond to the findings, blaming the population's growing infatuation with itself on the government’s agenda of privatisation, the deconstruction of the state and what 

Harriet Harman described was “proto-Nietschzian-facist misogyny” - after speaking to journalists gathered outside the International De-criminalise Paedophilia Conference (known by regulars as the DP Conference) where she was giving the keynote speech

Queen narcissist Lady Gaga later tweeted that she thought the survey was a “totally poo joke”, before moments later tweeting a picture of herself pouting, pushing her cleavage together and holding a cocktail with a rasher of bacon in it.

There's always time for a selfie.

SUE BARKER PUT ON SUICIDE-WATCH AFTER CLIFF RICHARD ABUSE ALLEGATIONS HIT THE MEDIA

BBC Sport presenter and all-round delightful lady, Sue Barker, has been put on suicide-watch following the revelation that the only man who ever got close to taking her heart (and her flower), could in fact be a kiddie-fiddler. The allegations that Clifford Richards, or Ciff Richards to his fans, may have been involved in the abuse of a young boy has shocked many the nation over (though no one who has seen a leather-clad Richards in his video ‘Wired for Sound’…) and is said to have sent Barker into the depths of despair.

“She just went into the garden and started hitting tennis balls all over the place, it was chaos,” said neighbour, Iris Tamicase, “Then she cleared the balls away and did some weeding, but she still looked awfully upset.”

Fellow BBC Sports presenters have been quick to offer their support:

“As soon as I heard the news about Cliff Richards, I thought, my God, how’s Sue?” said a concerned Gary Lineker, whilst applying himself with Ambre Solaire, “I just want her to know that we’re all thinking about her, and I hope the allegations aren’t true. Even though, let’s face it, if you’ve seen the video ‘Wired for Sound’, you know it’s probably true.”

Other showings of support for Sue were made on Twitter, with fellow Wimbledon presenter John Inverdale providing further encouragement:

@ExposedChest99: Sorry to hear abt #CliffRichards @SueBarker Lchin up, I’d still slap your touche anyday! And I’m not a paedo… technically #IWasSmashed

Gaby Logan also chimed in to buoy her BBC colleague:

@Gaby’Logz’Logan: Sorry to hear the news Sue. Stay strong! I guess you won’t be doing #Wimbledon next year @BBCCommissioning I’m available!

Sue never enjoyed the boy's doubles as much as Cliff.