SALES OF HAND CREAM ROCKET AS JEWISH PEOPLE THE WORLD OVER PREPARE FOR SOME SERIOUS FACE-PALMING

Sales of hand creams have almost doubled in the last few weeks, as the Israeli Defence Force steps-up it’s maniacally misguided attacks on the much blighted Palestinians of Gaza, causing millions of right-minded Jewish people the world over to face-palm more than ever before. With attacks - that are about as proportional a response as disciplining an unruly child by making him chew a hand grenade - set to increase in the coming weeks, Jewish people across the world prepare themselves for some serious face-palming.

“It’s terrible what’s happening out there, I can’t even watch. The whole time my face is in my hands,” remarked Manhattan resident, Oscar Grouchovski, “If it’s gonna be this way, then I want to make sure my hand is soft and that it smells nice, so I’ve got a three litre tub of Nivea in my car.”

One North London Synagogue has already set up a face-palm station, treating its worshippers for face-palm injuries like contact eczema and the dreaded ‘hand-print face’. In one week alone, the station managed to use over 100 litres of Neutrogena.

“Apparently Neutrogena is for hard working hands, can you see any more hard working hands than this right now?” exclaimed  the station’s founder, Rabbi Shoutenberg, “We’re using it by the bucket! I mean really, the bucket! Look, Ishmael is squeezing tubes into a bucket right now…”

Shareholders of major hand cream companies like Dove and Nivea are said to be delighted at the recent boon in sales, leading many to now speculate whether it is in fact hand cream companies that are fomenting the situation in Gaza to their own advantage. 

Bloody news is on again...

LOVERS OF BULLSHIT READY THEMSELVES FOR PUTIN’S GRANDEST OPUS

Lovers of bullshit the world over are waiting on tenterhooks pending the outcome of the investigation into the shocking attack on flight MH17 (in an incident described by one Malaysian Airlines shareholder as a “fucking piss-take”), with many inside the Kremlin believing the bullshit Putin will be forced to spout in defence could be the finest bullshit he will ever speak.

Despite constant denials of Russian involvement by the Kremlin, there are now more fingers pointing towards Moscow than in a Soviet-era pointing farm (where hundreds of peasant children would be forced to stand for hours and point at the Soviet capital in reverence to whichever illustrious leader was in office at the time).

Reports from Moscow have stated that Putin is well aware of the gravity of the task he faces - with the plane’s flight recorders about to be analysed in the Netherlands - so has begun work on his bullshit response earlier than normal.

“I’ve heard it will be his best work yet,” remarked former Kremlin insider and bullshit analyst, Leonid Alovadiflov, “Allegedly he is pain-stakingly fabricating a fiction of the utmost complexity, with dynamic characters, profound themes and startling drama! I’ve heard there was an extra-terrestrial plot-twist in the story line, but my source cannot be verified - mostly because he was shot.”

Other analysts familiar with the workings of the Kremlin have added further fallacious fuel to the speculatory fire: “The C.I.A. intercepted some communications recently which suggest Putin has been reading a lot of Tolkien, so we expect his bullshit story to even include its own language,” commented Harvard analyst, Buster Capinnem, “The US is already thinking of a new language of its own in retaliation, though at this stage it’s not clear what they will do with it". 

Maybe I'll say... ghosts did it...

ZEITlies – Voxpop

A DISCUSSION ON PROPORTIONALITY WITH AN IDF SPOKESMAN

As bombs rain on Gaza and the Israeli Defence Force increases its efforts to redress sporadic Hamas rocket attacks, ZEITlies catches up with an IDF spokesman for a brief chat on proportionality…

(ed -  To IDF Lawyers… this is in fact a joke…)

ZEITlies:                      Hi there, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

IDF Spokesman:         It’s fine. Now talk.

ZEITlies                      Would you regard the current IDF offensive as a proportionate response to Hamas attacks?

IDF Spokesman:        Of course! What a stupid question. You don’t think I know what proportionate is?

ZEITlies:                     Well, what would you do if someone stole a hat from you?

IDF Spokesman:        A hat? MY HAT? I would take everything they owned! Everything! Their possessions, their family, their dogs, everything!

ZEITlies:                      Ok… maybe you like hats. What would you do if your partner slept with someone else?

IDF Spokesman:        She slept with someone else? I don’t believe it! I would sleep with every woman in Israel, every man as well if I had to! I would sleep with so many people there would be no one left for her to sleep with!

ZEITlies:                      Right, I wouldn’t say that was entirely equivalent… what would you do if someone punched you?

IDF Spokesman:        They punched me? Oh my god, no! I would take their hand, and then I would punch them in the head with it so many times, there would be a fist shaped hole in their head! Then I would take the head and I would…

ZEITlies:                     Ok, ok! I get it. So if you knew a Palestinian fired a rocket into Israel…

IDF Spokesman:        If they did that I would bomb every man, woman, cow, dog, cat and bird in that bloody place! It would be a desert when I was done! It would be a hole in the desert! There would every single grain of dirt on that strip will have been bombed at least five times!

ZEITlies:                     I see… proportionate.

IDF Spokesman:       Exactly! Now somebody fetch me something to beat this guy with!

IDF respond to a toddler with a pea-shooter.

ANGELA MERKEL DENIES THAT SHE IS IN FACT A TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRL

After watching her side win the football world cup in heart-stoppingly dramatic fashion, Merkel could barely contain herself as the victorious players made their way to collect the trophy. As the triumphant German side filed their way towards the winners' enclosure, Merkel was on hand to provide a final show of support, giggling like a school girl and squealing with pre-pubescent glee as one-by-one she embraced the lovely handsome boys as they walked past. Onlookers were stunned at Merkel’s complete inability to hide her little girly tendencies, leading many to ask the question: is she in fact a little school girl?

“When I heard all that screaming and squealing, I was shocked to see it was Merkel,” said FIFA Official, Ivor Bribeiro, “We had lots of children from local schools near the winners’ section, I thought the noise was from them!”

Members of the German delegation privately echoed these concerns, with one unnamed (ethnically Chinese) German delegate claiming that Merkel was seen "writing Bastian Schweinsteiger on her notebook over and over and over again, with love hearts as well."

Calls are now coming from all quarters of the Bundestag for Merkel to prove conclusively, that she is in fact a grown woman and not a little school girl who has become an adult by means similar to those employed in the 1988 film 'Big' starring Tom Hanks.

Merkel's aides issued a stern denial, stating that the German Chancellor is far too busy writing love letters to Mario Gotze to be distracted with such trivial inquisitions. 

The German Chancellor was the happiest little girl in the whole wide world.

FOUR HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE SPOTTED IN BELA HORIZONTE

Following Brazil’s six goal trouncing at the hands of the marauding Germans, Brazilian football fans’ worst fears were confirmed late on Tuesday night as the four horsemen of the apocalypse were spotted cantering through the streets of Bela Horizonte. As many had predicted - whilst watching their heroes take more of a beating than prisoners at Guantanamo – it really was the end of the world.

“Our defence was penetrated three times in six minutes,” said shocked Brazilian pundit, Paolo Nascimento de Rubiano, or ‘Frank’, as he is known, “It was like watching a porno movie. To be turned into porn is the worst humiliation. It’s all over now.”

With news of the end of the world spreading like wild fire across grieving households all over Brazil, rioting broke out in a number of towns including Bela Horizonte, where crude effigies of David Luis where ceremoniously burnt, with hoards of beautiful people surrounding the fires and dancing and having sex to irresistible samba music.

“It’s totally the end of the world. When the beauty of Brazil has faded so much that it makes the Germans appear aesthetic, you know the end is nigh,” a Brazilian journalist commented, “But in Brazil, the end of the world is music and dancing and passion! It’s carnival! So it’s not all bad.”

Three horse-persons and a bloke in a horse head

DYSLEXIC MUSIC FANS ACCIDENTALLY PURCHASE TICKETS FOR GLASNOSTBURY

Thousands of dyslexic music fans were left bitterly disappointed after an online mix-up led them to purchase tickets for the wrong festival. Instead of buying tickets to the three day Somerset-based music festival ‘Glastonbury’, thousands of fans accidentally purchased tickets to the festival celebrating the mid-1980s Soviet policy of Glasnost hosted in Stockton, ‘Glasnostbury’.

“We were pleasantly surprised that so many young people today were interested in Gorbachev’s policy of openness and transparency”, said Glasnostbury spokesman Vladimir Burokratsky, lighting a cigar with a cluster of recently declassified documents, “Naturally, we were disappointed when we discovered they were actually trying to buy Glastonbury tickets. I don’t blame them though, Dolly Parton is marvellous.”

Disgruntled dyslexic music fans expressed their anguish on Twitter, with @Mucislover tweeting “Why was a mixup allowed to happne?”, and @Fesitvlagoer adding “I wnat my money bakc!”

One punter however, may have had tickets to both festivals from the off; as it was discovered that  former Soviet heavyweight supremo Mihkail Gorbachev was not only booked to speak at Glasnostbury, but was also reportedly heard discussing “getting off his face to Skrillex.” 

Mikhail loves it when the bass drops.

ZEITlies Book Reviews:
SPORTS BOOKS

If you have been watching sport at all in the past week, you may enjoy some of these new publications…

“The Spirit of Football” by Lee Dixon – The former Arsenal defender extols the virtues of “never divin’ or cheating” and always doing your best to be an “honest fella on the football field”. The book is also intended to serve as an instructional manual for children and a hate-filled polemic against Patrick Viera, with chapters on "Playing fair" and "Fair play".

“The Spirit of Football is Dead” by Patrick Viera – The former Arsenal midfielder extols the virtues of the modern game, rationalising that diving, cheating, bribing and all out skulduggery are quite simply “part of the game”. Viera’s book is intended to serve as an instructional manual for children, with chapters on “How to be dirty” and “How to be jammy”.

“The Gentleman’s Cricket Handbook” by Rangana Herath – The Sri Lankan spin bowler proved himself to be a true gentleman by giving his wicket away to hosts England when the recent test match hung in the balance. In his new book Herath reveals more gentlemanly tips and tricks that are also not complete misunderstandings of the Laws of the Game.

Herath graciously sends the batsman back after clean bowling him.