ZEITguide…  

How to be a Republican Presidential Candidate.

With the Republican National Convention taking place last week in Tampa, in the Southern State of Florida, Zeitlies looks at what it takes to make the ideal Republican presidential candidate…

1.      A mind-blowingly kempt haircut…
Romney and his running mate Paul Ryan have got this completely right. Not even Hurricane Isaac seemed to pose a threat to either of their well-cemented styles. To his credit, Bush Jnr’s hair was always in pretty good nick, the result – two consecutive terms in office. However, John McCain never had the follicle presence of other Republican candidates – meaning it was no surprise that the most vociferous support in his campaign was targeted at the voluminous hairdo of then-aspiring-bimbo Sarah Palin.

2.       Get yourself a weird religion…
Reagan implied it, Bush Jnr had it, and Romney has it in spades. Don’t hide your free-wheeling, polygamous, anti-science, anti-history, regressive buffoonery of a religion – let that bad boy out!

3.       You need a shady business past…
Here is where the Bush family set the gold standard, with erstwhile members brazenly profiting from the war deaths of millions in Europe, and ol’ Geo bankrupting every company he came within twenty metres of – even with his Harvard MBA! The Kennedy’s had sought to compete for the Democrats in this area in years gone by – a threat which has declined in recent years. But today’s Republicans can be pleased with Romney’s impressive business track record, as he has seemingly ticked all the requisite boxes. He has shown a ruthless and callous disregard for the welfare of his employees,  has been the beneficiary of questionable favouritism and shows a general disdain for business transparency and the tax inspector. The boy has done well!

4.       Don’t talk facts!

Republicans do not want to hear facts. They want to hear that ‘things are gonna be swell’ and that their government is ‘gonna kick some Commie ass!”. Diverting from this well established maxim can only end in disaster – a lesson which Romney-Ryan have already learnt!

Romney was soon informed that the GOP do not like limp wrists.

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Zeitlies Vox-Pop
BRITISH TEENS TALK ABOUT THEIR GCSE RESULTS

Following reports that GCSE results have worsened for the first time ever, Zeitlies took to the streets to ascertain the views of British teenagers about the state of their education:

ZL: So, with the number of people obtaining A*-C Grades at GCSE falling for the first time ever, how would you respond to the suggestion that today’s teenagers are not as academic as their predecessors?

Teenager: Academic? You fag. No wonder you talk like a bender with a haircut like that.

ZL: I see. What (if any) improvements would you say the education system would benefit from?

Teenager: Oi John! Come over here and look at this bender’s haircut…

ZL: Does it concern you that British teenagers, when compared to their counterparts in India or China, are portrayed as being vacuous, self-obsessed and interested in nothing other than football and celebrity culture?

Teenager: Seriously mate, get a haircut. Then tell me about those Chinese Pakis. John! This guy said he fancies Pakis from China…

ZL: Lastly, as the next generation set to take the reins of power, what would you say the future holds?

Teenager: You're a twat blud. I'm off to the tanning shop…

Terry is set to be the star of his sixth-form's Oxbridge Access programme.

GEORGEY-PORGEY TELLS CLEGGY-WEGGY TO LEAVE HIS FRIENDS ALONE

George-Porgey Osborne has once again sought to violently urinate over any Lib Dem parade, by dismissing the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Cleggy-Weggy’s suggestion that there should be an emergency implementation of a 'wealth-tax' on the nation’s richest inhabitants. 

Clegg has demanded the temporary emergency tax on the wealthy, following the recent revelation of the truly dire state of the nation’s economy – and of the associated emptiness of the Treasury’s coffers. In a nation where twenty-five per cent of the country’s wealth is held by a monumentally-entitled one per cent of the population (many of whom have seen their bank balances swell in recent months following income tax cuts) – proponents of progressive economics have unsurprisingly supported Clegg’s demands.

However, Osborne immediately dismissed the demands, by holding a press conference and symbolically fellating a man dressed in a top-hat and tails. After wiping his face, Osborne told the awaiting press that he had had quite enough of the Deputy Prime Minister’s demands:

“We can’t start taxing the wealth creators,” said Osborne, struggling to clear his throat. “Besides, he is deliberately trying to tax all my best mates – which is politicking at its lowest. You don’t hear me banging on about a Louis Theroux tax, do you?”

Many Tories believe that Clegg’s recent outburst is nothing more than leadership posturing, in preparation for what will no doubt be an eventful conference season for the Deputy Prime Minister. However, Lib Dem insiders have suggested that this recrudescence in Clegg’s political motivations is in fact the product of a “wonderful fly-drive holiday with Miriam and the kids”.

Clegg and Osborne are both adept at using flatulence as a weapon against each other.

“It’s amazing what a holiday can do for you,” said a Lib Dem spokesman, “In Nick’s case, it has made him remember a key Lib Dem policy that has been in our manifesto since the SDP days. Oh yeah, and it’s given him a lovely tan!” 

Please leave us your comments! And remember, you can follow us on Twitter @PrivateLies1

MISSOURI SENATE CANDIDATE TODD AKIN TO LEARN ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Missouri Senate candidate, Todd Akin, is at the centre of a political firestorm with denunciations and criticism scalding him from all quarters; following his bewilderingly stupid and incendiary remarks regarding rape, made earlier this week.

Akin, appearing in a Fox News interview, claimed that pregnancy ‘rarely’ occurs in incidences of rape; mostly owing to the ability of a woman’s body to ‘shut-down’ its reproductive capability when confronted with a ‘legitimate’ rapist. The comments quickly made Akin the subject of opprobrium from Democrats and members of the GOP alike; with Presidential candidate Mitt Romney immediately distancing himself from Akin, claiming that “The only Todd I know, is Todd Carty, who played the notorious rogue Tucker Jenkins in British teen-drama, Grange Hill.”

However, Akin was fortunate enough to receive sympathy from one group of people: the Surrogate Fathers of America, the charity that offers fathering and ‘buddy’ services to fatherless or orphaned children. In a statement released yesterday, the SFA have suggested that Akin’s remarks clearly show that his own father neglected to discuss ‘the birds and the bees’ with him, which has slowly but surely lead him to make such uninformed remarks.

“It’s about time that one of our Dads sat down with Todd, and had the talk,” said an SFA spokesman, “As his own father is long gone, we are happy to take on the task. After all, Toddy is a big boy now, running for the Senate and all.”

It has also been suggested that Akin would benefit from other refresher courses run by the SFA, such as: ‘Fire – It’s pretty but darn hot!’, ‘Sticks, stones and naughty words’ and ‘Big boys don’t wet the bed!’

The spokesman went on to say that they felt Akin was being harshly treated, notwithstanding his espousal of such disgusting views. 

“Dumb kids say silly things all the time,” the spokesman said, “We just need to have some more patience with Toddy, he’s still learning!”

Err, or just don't vote them in...

THINGS GO FROM BAD TO WORSE FOR GEORGE OSBORNE

The publication of tax-receipt figures by the treasury this week has signalled another body blow for George Osborne’s flagging economic policy. The figures showed a shock unexpected decline in corporate tax revenue, resulting in a need for an upward revision in public-sector net borrowing. The latest depressing revelation - which follows the publication of growth figures indicating a surprising contraction in the nations’ economic fortunes as well as employment figures which pointed to a rise in long-term unemployment – has caused many analysts to wonder, if things can really get any worse for Osborne.

However, as Osborne went into the House of Commons bar last night, thinking he had reached the bottom of the trough with no possibility of things getting any worse – his life hit a new low as he discovered he had sat on some chewing-gum.  

A loud yelp was then heard from the House of Commons Bar, as an an unnamed Bar employee explained.

“It was no surprise to see George come in for his usual pineapple Bicardi Breezer, particularly after the rough time he’s been going through,” the barman said, “When he let out a huge scream, we rushed over to see what was the matter.”

It was then that a sobbing Osborne was discovered clumsily trying to pick off elasticated strings of chewing gum from the seat of his trousers, mumbling to himself that “this was the last bloody straw”.

“He was pretty much inconsolable,” said the barman, “he spent the rest of the evening in a fort he constructed under a table in the bar – poor fella was so upset.”

It has been rumoured that the chewing gum was placed deliberately on the bar seat, as Osborne (being the consummate Conservative) rarely likes to sit anywhere other than his favourite seat. Employees at the House of Commons bar have suggested that this stubbornness and predictability have made him an easy target for mischievous opposition MPs. Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls was spotted outside the Commons Bar laughing hysterically, clutching his stomach to ease the pain of the hilarity he was experiencing.

“I’m not saying it was him,” the barman said, “But if you saw the colour of the chewing gum, and the amount of skanky spit that was all over it, you’d have to say Balls is a prime suspect.”

Osborne despairing - before also discovering he has wiped bird-shit on his forehead.